The Horrendous Dave Kablooie!

Movies of 2011

2011-12-31T20:20:00.008-05:00

If you were the kind of person that actually followed this blog when it was still a thing, maybe you'll remember that I did this every year. The following collects my brief thoughts on the movies of this year.

I only count movies with release dates from 2011 according to imdb.com. I figure it is as reliable as any other website. Unfortunately, imdb goes by the original release which means foreign or very limited releases that only made it to the general public in 2011 don't qualify. It's maybe needlessly strict as it doesn't allow a lot of movies that a lot of people would count but what's the point of even ranking movies by year anyway? I might as well actually follow the releases if I'm going to bother at all.

Long story shortened, the following crappy movies don't qualify: Super, Don't Be Afraid Of The Dark, Insidious. The following good movies don't qualify: Sarah's Key, Trollhunter, Uncle Boonmee, Submarine, Tabloid, Meek's Cutoff, The Arbor, Everything Must Go, The Perfect Host

Also, if some local theatres would get A Separation, Martha May Marcy Marlene, Shame, I'd appreciate it.

NOTE: Blogger deleted most of the movies in the crappy movie section. I added most, if not all, of them back. It's possible I missed some, but they were apparently crap. So, maybe it doesn't matter.

If you didn't see these movies, you wasted your life:

Hugo - Man, 3D kids movies don't get better than this.

Drive -Everything in this movie is so offputting and somehow it works.

50/50 - Gen Y needs its cancer movie too you know.

The Artist -If the trailer doesn't give you a film boner, you probably shouldn't see this. You should also get better taste in movies. Maybe the best movie of the year.

Movies you really should see:

The Muppets - Exactly what I wanted it to be.

Beats Rhymes & Life: The Travels Of A Tribe Called Quest - If you don't like A Tribe Called Quest, get out.

Winnie The Pooh - just charming

Warrior - Predictable, formulaic and yet still totally sucks me in.

The Thing - If I had never seen the original, I would have thought this was the best horror movie of the year

Pearl Jam Twenty - I can't believe Cameron Crowe made something that isn't terrible but I'll blame my Pearl Jam love for being able to overlook his involvement.

Take Shelter - Great performance that draws you into his plight

Another Earth -

Source Code - About as hard science fiction as a movie can be and have broad appeal.

The Guard - In Bruges 2011 or near enough

The Tree Of Life - I love love love the Texas sections of this. The opening and closing do nothing for me. Kind of a wash.

Super 8 - Close Encounters Of The Third Kind as directed by J. J. Abrams

Into The Abyss - disquieting to say the least

The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo - It retains a lot of stuff that sets up the sequels which the original didn't do. So, as a standalone film maybe not as good as the original but a much better adaptation with some planning for the inevitable sequels.

Weekend - A real look at relationships beginning. Probably going to be offputting for a lot of people.

Terri - "Cool Breeze Club: Members only" is the quote of the forever.

These are good, but don't go out of your way:

The Descendants - I couldn't buy the stupid kid going from being completely unaware that Alzheimer's exists to being some emotional idiot savant. It felt too much like an obvious adaptation where I kept thinking, "There has to be a book that explains this better."

Hanna - I wonder how much I would have liked this had it come out later in the year because I was so desperate to like a movie that I had to latch onto something.

Paul - This is a litmus test for how many movies you've seen about aliens

Scream 4 - second best Scream movie but Scream 2 and 3 were just awful.

My Week With Marilyn - great performance by Michelle Williams

X-Men: First Class - the best X-Men movie but just don't get too worried about following the comics closely (or at all).

Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes - so much better than a reboot/prequel of a not very good series should even think of being.

Rango - I think adults would appreciate this more than children because so much of this is meant for adults (not fart jokes like a Shrek movie but kids just won't get it).

Shark Night 3D - I will never not like a movie with sharks killing people

Contagion - About as realistic a look at all aspects of a pandemic as you can get while being fictional and in two hours.

Moneyball - This is a good enough story to carry the weaker aspects of the movie.

The Ides Of March - something you may not know about politics: they are corrupt

Midnight In Paris - I don't love the time period enough to love this but it's very well done overall.

Thor - Mute Kat Dennings character. She served no purpose and the movi would have been better served letting the comedy come from Thor's inability to understand Earth customs.

Win Win - Indie Movie: The Movie

A Better Life - nice little movie looking at how hard life is for illegal immigrants

Bobby Fischer Against The World - interesting but it's like reading the wikipedia article of someone and thinking you've truly learned something

The Adventures Of Tintin - a pretty solid adventure film but I think it drags a bit in the middle. I also never particularly cared for Captain Haddock as a character in the comics. The 3D is pretty good though.

Mission: Impossible: Ghost Protocol - the best, and arguably only, action movie of the year. The Dubai sequences really need to be seen in IMAX. Good on Brad Bird for making a quality live action movie.

One Day - I just couldn't really care about either character but this is fine I suppose. I also felt that they didn't age Anne Hathaway very well. Her accent didn't work for me either.

Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy - I felt like the book probably explained a lot of stuff that was not covered in the movie. Note to self: read the book. Superbly acted but it feels like stuff was missing.

Carnage - one of the better acted films of the year (except for Jodie Foster who sucked). Pretty good at slowly ratcheting up the tension comedicly.

Haywire - Steven Soderbergh does it again. Another movie that feels like a half formed idea where, somewhere along the line, he lost interest. A good enough, female version of The Limey.

I guess these are good:

J.Edgar - I didn't appreciate how the movie just moved around in time which I feel should work instead of forcing a linear story arc out of a person's life that was never there. It felt weird here though because it felt like it was attempting to cover up the fact that nothing was being said about Hoover's life just collecting a few notable events. Also, horrendous old age makeup.

Crazy, Stupid, Love - There's enough here to like but has any standard romantic comedy truly been better than "yeah, sure."

Bridesmaids - I like that a movie actually feels like it's written for women and actually works for me. But, you know, still not all that hilarious

The Rum Diary - a series of mildly interesting vignettes that are not as good when put together

The Adjustment Bureau - The most fine a movie could ever be

Horrible Bosses - Funny enough. I like that it actually feels like a bunch of regular guys that will never be able to kill someone actually trying it.

Real Steel - Rocky Sock'em Robots (this is the cleverest thing I've ever said and no one will ever read it and it's not even all that clever)

Cedar Rapids - This is the kind of movie that would be the best comedy ever if I were a huge fan of The Office (US).

30 Minutes Or Less - decent enough performances by the lead actors and Nick Swarsdon is the least awful he's ever been

Melancholia - the entire planet is destroyed and it's still the least depressing thing I've seen from Lars Von Trier

The Devil's Double - Great lead performance but a story this interesting should have been more interesting.

Jane Eyre - this is technically fine and my understanding is that it's true to the novel. It's well acted and all that stuff but the world does not need another adaptation of Jane Eyre or any of the Bronte sisters' novels.

Margin Call - A bunch of under developed characters that are acted very well.

War Horse - too episodic and way too maudlin for my tastes

Lincoln Lawyer - better than it should have been. If John Grisham wrote novels about ambulance chasers, this is what it would probably be like.

Our Idiot Brother - not sure what it is about this but I enjoyed it despite everything except Paul Rudd sucking in this.

Don't waste your time

The Mechanic - not even bad enough to laugh at which makes it the worst Jason Statham movie there could ever be

Just Go With It - Utter garbage but probably not as bad as Jack And Jill is.

In Time - A bunch of good ideas poorly executed

Hobo With A Shotgun - Even worse than the name implies

Battle Of Los Angeles - NOT Battle: Los Angeles. The Asylum version which is worth watching with friends for a laugh but not amusing any other way

The Roommate - Have you ever heard of a movie? Then you know how this is going to go step by step

Columbiana - there is one good sequence in a police station. The rest is awful.

Straw Dogs - It's a scene by scene remake practically which means it serves no purpose unless you think relocating the movie from rural England to rural Louisiana means something.

The Hangover: Part 2 - the most like the original a sequel could possibly be

Limitless - Here's the thing. The brain doesn't work like the premise even suggests. Beyond that, just not good and putting DeNiro in anything is a sign it sucks

Sucker Punch - How does one ruin school girls fighting WWI zombies? Like this.

Drive Angry 3D - The 3D was pretty good. It had more depth than the characters - ZING!

Pirates Of The Caribbean: On Stranger Tides - just stop please.

Battle: Los Angeles - about as good as you think it is. If you think it's going to suck, you're right. If you think it's going to be awesome, you're right.

Fright Night - the first half is a good enough remake but the second half is just awful. A vampire neighbor terrorizing a kid is a solid premise for a legit horror movie.

Movies of 2010

2010-12-27T12:18:00.001-05:00

Not listing the movies that came out in the USA in 2010 but came out previous to 2010. Sorry, Prophet and others.

If you didn't see these movies, you wasted your life:

Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World - Considering my nerd boner for TRON: Legacy and how lame I thought the previews looked for Scott Pilgrim, I can't this is my #1 film of the year. It features the following lines, "Next time I'll be deadly serious next time" and "I don't think anything can get in the way of how I...SHIT!" and "I gotta pee on her." get this custom cover for it
TRON: Legacy - Loving this is probably karmic retaliation for thinking Avatar was loved too much even though it was middle school depth covered up with special effects.
Toy Story 3 - Better than Toy Story not as good as Toy Story 2. I shoot cried at the end.
The Social Network - probably the best overall movie of the year but it's no Scott Pilgrim or TRON: Legacy.
True Grit - Cobros, Jeff Bridges, western, why ain't you seen dis yet?

s you should really see:

The American - George Clooney continues his string of movies for adults that are pretty good.
The Fighter - I apparently really like David O. Russell.
127 Hours - The scene where Aron Ralston describes making choices leading to being alone with no hope of anyone finding him is insane and maybe better than the scene of him cutting off his own arm.
Greenberg - Ben Stiller finally impresses me. Noah Baumbach finally gives me a lukewarm impression.
Piranha 3D - A guy gets his penis bitten off (by piranha).
The Town -Ben Affleck directed and starred in a movie and it's not terrible. That moves it up a couple points just for that.
Iron Man 2 - good but nowhere near as good as the first. Necessary viewing because of how Marvel is going to tie all the movies together.
Exit Through The Gift Shop - What Is Art?: The Movie
Louis CK: Hilarious - Louis CK being hilarious
Inception - it uses practical effects which are super awesome but too much exposition to be truly great.
Buried - Just a great thriller with a great performance from Ryan Reynolds of all people.

These are good, but don't go out of your way

Shutter Island - There isn't anything technically wrong with this but it's not that good
Black Swan - Aronofsky's constant need to remind you of the theme's killed this. Could have been great but was merely ok.
The Expendables - There are some movies you watch for subtle, nuanced performances. There are some you watch for testosterone and blood flying off the screen. This is somewhere in the middle.
Kick-Ass - worth seeing for Nicholas Cage's acting alone.
Predators - this would have been a better Predator 2 than Predator 2. Probably still not good enough to warrant being made.
Tangled - Kind of surprised that this was good.

I guess these are good:

Salt - technically an all right movie.
Splice - predictable and creepy but not in the good, Black Christmas creepy way.
Machete - the extreme awesomeness of a guy using intestines as a rope is offset by the everything else that was kind of crappy.
Let Me In - This is better than this but just watch the original is so much better that I can't recommend it.
A Nightmare On Elm Street - not the worst in the series but the major update is that Freddy is a child molestor because apparently being a serial killer isn't bad enough.

Don't waste your time

Book Of Eli - I didn't see anything good about this movie. heh
Alice In Wonderland - just a bland movie.
Resident Evil: Afterlife - laughably bad. Maybe I should have seen the first three, but that won't be happening.
Red- just google a picture of Helen Mirren holding a machine gun then watch a good movie for two hours
Standing Ovation - one of the worst movies I have ever seen ever.
Morning Glory - crap

Finally! Choc-ola is back!

2010-08-21T20:18:00.003-04:00

So, as you probably guessed if this isn't your first visit here, this blog is pretty much dead. Sorry, but, you know, not having a life got in the way. Or maybe I'm just not quite as egotistical as I once was. Or maybe a bunch of other things. I guess if something totally mindblowing in my life happens, I can update and it just so happens that something totally mindblowing did happen.

Now, I want to give you, the reader, a little bit of credit. So, guess what that mindblowing information is. Go back. Read the title again and maybe another time if necessary. If you still don't get it, read on.

CHOC-OLA IS BACK!

It is back under its real name. It isn't Chocolate Soldier. It's Choc-ola and oh my goodness this is the best, least anticipated news of my life. This is righting a social injustice of the highest degree.

So, not only is it back. It is available in only one place (for now) and it happens to be Indianapolis. I would have gone wherever I needed to go to get Choc-ola and I only need to go about 25 minutes from home. Providence. Serendipity. Sheer good luck. I don't know what I did to earn this but there is no way I earned this.

So, what happened? Right now, I don't know much. The gist is that a Choc-ola superfan bought the rights and formula to make Choc-ola. He's doing it because he is apparently the greatest person alive. So, I feel I owe it to the guy to get the word out as much as I can (this blog is part of it). He deserves to get paid for this and I want to keep Choc-ola alive. It's a win-win for everyone.

So, how to you get it? The place to go is the Rock-Cola Café for either a glass or one gallon jug (the current website doesn't mention Choc-ola but this site ties the two together). A warning note: one gallon jugs ($8.99; $9.80 including tax) must apparently be ordered in advance. I don't know if a glass (size unknown as of this writing) needs to be ordered in advance. I assume the production volume is relatively low right now.

So, how does it taste? Naturally, I drank just a bit as soon as I got to my car and it was 100% exactly how I remembered the final bottle of Chocolate Soldier. I've obviously had some since and it is slightly darker and richer in flavor like adding an extra scoop of NesQuik to a glass of milk. I've made sure to shake the jug every time. So, I'm not sure why it's darker later.

I don't know if there is a variance in the batches. I'm not sure if the formula changed slightly over the years and this is based on a slightly different recipe I suspect the original formula didn't use high fructose corn syrup which modern Choc-ola and Chocolate Soldier used resulting in a drink exactly like the original but different than modern incarnations (like modern sodas are not the same meaning we have to resort to Throwback sodas).

It's not a complaint but it is something that must be noted. The flavor is still the same but the one jug I have has has more flavor (and the aroma is stronger). So, take that however you want. Make sure to buy some though. Maybe my taste buds are wrong (not bloody likely).

Make sure to buy some though. It's important.

He died the way he lived. As a recluse.

2010-01-28T19:47:00.002-05:00

J. D. Salinger is dead. I suppose I'm bummed because Salinger is literally the only writer by whom I have read every single published word (do so yourself here because most of it is not in print). I am even more bummed because this means someone is seriously plotting to get the movie rights to The Catcher In The Rye and they are considering Shia LeBouf or Michael Cera for the role.

I guess this is good news because all of the stuff he had been writing for the last forty years can finally get released to the public.

Domino's and morning news

2010-01-08T11:02:00.004-05:00

~~WZPL~~ Domino's: We don't suck anymore.

In case you hadn't had a Domino's pizza in a few years, you probably made a smart decision. As far as chain pizzerias go, it's the weakest. It's bad enough that even I haven't had it recently enough to remember when it was. Even worse, I can't even remember what Domino's tastes like.

With this whole "pizza turnaround" thing at Domino's, I am almost interested in trying Domino's again. I'm still probably not going to any time soon because, let's face it, chain pizza is generally the most middling pizza in any community. Maybe not the worst but never anywhere near the best.

Based on the video Domino's is using to promote their non-dog shit pizza, it's not a bad looking pizza. I don't care for the new buttery crust which will never displace Reggio's disappointing but famous butter crust.

What also bothers me about this whole thing is CBS News covering the change. There is no way that CBS decided to cover Domino's new recipe the day after it was made public by coincidence. It's clearly Domino's buying advertising time on CBS and it being portrayed as news. I guess it's stupid to expect more than crap from morning news but come on.

EDIT: Had it. It was pretty good but nothing spectacular.

Best everything of the decade

2009-12-31T12:53:00.017-05:00

EDIT: I'm probably going to completely redo the whole moviefilm section o' this because I've gotten to rewatch a few movies and I plan on seeing a couple more I missed in the next few weeks. I realized that some stuff needs moved around after all that. Impetus being that I'm submitting a list of best films of the decade to The Spotless Minds and I want to do it right.

Commence regular post.

Decade isn't over but whatever. Decade is a man made term and we can make it mean whatever.

Since blogs probably won't exist outside of professional "blogging" and on whatever has replaced Facebook/Twitter in ten years, I figure this is my only chance to get a best of the decade thing to you, the reader.

I considered starting this earlier and actually spending some time on this thing. I then decided "Man, what a hassle; not gonna do it." Then I decided, as above, that I won't have the opportunity again. "Let's do it to it" as they say. In other words, there are major omissions I won't notice until whoops it's too late.

There are a couple things you should know about the lists. They are ranked in general order of least most aweseom to most most awesome. So, it isn't set in stone and things would be in slightly different order depending on my mood. At the very least, this is a just a collection of things I think are pretty great.

My biggest concern is not the order in which I ranked everything. I am more concerned that I picked stuff from the late 2000s because they are fresh. Or maybe I was intentionally leaving late 2000s things off their respective lists because I expect my love of them to be fleeting. I hope I was able to avoid all that nonsense but I doubt it.

Video Games

I am one of those "gamez can be art" people which means I'm the nerdiest of all video game players. Sorry sports and FPS games. Just push my chest, ask me what kind of faggot am I and go play something published by Electronic Arts. I'll be over here not dating the prom queen.

10. Portal

I miss puzzle games. Not Tetris "puzzle" games, but actual puzzle games which were pretty big in the NES era (Adventures of Lolo, Fire N Ice, Kickle Cubicle, etc.). It is most fortunate for me that something like Portal comes along and everyone gets a chance to see how fun they are. Well, fun and frustrating.

Unlike classic puzzle games, there is a story better than "Save the thing from the thing." I'd probably rank this higher if nerd things like "The cake is a lie" wasn't basically the call of the wild nerd roaming the plains of the local Gen Con.

9. Mega Man 9

If you know me personally, you know I like the NES more than you. So, this is no real surprise. Mega Man has basically been a stale franchise since, oh, let's say Mega Man 3. It's built on formula. Why not just throw out the most un-new game possible that is still new? Stale franchise or not, I still played the hell out of this and consider it maybe the best in the series since Mega Man 2.

8. The Legend Of Zelda: The Wind Waker

The first Zelda game since The Legend Of Zelda where exploration is actually really important. Sure, A Link To The Past is my favorite Zelda but that sense of exploration just isn't there. Couple the exploration with completely awesome graphics and the game is just amazing. Also, it is a Zelda game which means it's all ready pretty great to begin with (which is why I preordered this before even owning a Gamecube).

Part of me wants to put Ocarina Of Time: Master Quest on this list because it technically came out after 2000 and the sense of amazement I felt when I first saw Hyrule Field in the original Ocarina Of Time was that powerful. That would be cheating though.

7. Silent Hill 2

Why are things made this scary and why did I put myself through this half a dozen times? Trying to make sense of both questions probably involves trying to make sense of the game itself.

6. Grand Theft Auto: Vice City

Not the shock of GTA3 and not the polish of GTA4. More side games than GTA4 but not as bloated as San Andreas. Somewhere in the middle of these is Vice City. It's maybe the the most solid and most fun of the entire GTA series. If I were being honest with myself, I'd probably include Vice City and GTA4 on here. I guess I'm not. So, only Vice City made it.

True story alert: I made up a dentist appointment so I could leave work and buy this game on release day.

5. Ico

A game so special that I literally couldn't even play it a second time for a few years after completing it. An example of minimalism story telling and beautiful graphics. There are maybe half a dozen plot advancing cut scenes throughout the game and it still affects you.

4. Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater

You know how Loveless essentially let everyone know that shoegazing existed and destroyed it simultaneously because no one could ever equal it. That is what the Metal Gear series did with stealth espionage games. MGS3 is the highlight of the series making it quite the gem indeed.

Snake Eater wasn't just a step forward from MGS and a huge step forward from MGS2. It took every quibble from the first two Solid games and corrected them. Everything that you didn't even realize was a flaw was improved and it seems stunning in retrospect.

And then you remember there is a man that can control bees for some reason and you just say, "uuuuughhhh."

3. Shenmue II

True story: The day a friend of mine got Shenmue for his Dreamcast, I literally almost called into work to watch him play. I didn't, but damn I was close. Number of times I have called into work for any reason since that day: three. So, Shenmue was pretty fucking awesome.

I bought an XBox so that I could play Shenmue II because Microsoft's exclusivity rights in the US (this is why Shenmue II failed in my opinion) and because I'm not nerd enough to import games. Shenmue II was totally worth it. So, Shenmue II was pretty fucking awesome.

WHERE IN THE HELL IS SHENMUE III?

The last quarter of Shenmue is nothing but talking to a girl (video games giving video game dorks their first opportunity). So, it's not quite blockbuster material but did you see that ending? It's like Agent Cooper's doppleganger smashing a mirror with his face and Sledge Hammer blowing up California put together for twists.

WHERE IN THE HELL IS SHENMUE III?

Guess why I will not buy a Sega product for the rest of my life (no seriously)?

2. Braid

This is just, I mean, wow. So much thought put into this, I mean, the game play itself is a metaphor for the story. Man, it is just so amazing. When Soulja Boy says that there's no point to the game, I literally get angry. That's how awesome it is and it's only $15. GET IT NOW!

Jonathan Blow could develop nothing but direct ports of E. T. for the rest of his life and I would probably get excited.

Not about a bomb.

1. Shadow Of The Colossus

While Jonathan Blow gets a free pass for any game he makes in the future that sucks, Fumito Ueda (director of Shadow Of The Colossus AND Ico) could literally fart in my face and I'd be all right with it. You know why? Because he is the director of Shadow Of The Colossus AND Ico.

Shadow Of The Colossus takes minimalism potentially further than even Ico which only has a handful of cutscenes throughout. Shadow essentially works this way

"Fight this monster"
"I fought the monster. Now what?"
Repeat 15 more times

Ready to buy it yet? Trust me on this. It's worth your time. Shadow Of The Colossus is basically the colossus and everything else is standing in its shadow (how's that for mature symoblism?).

Television Shows

10. Pushing Daisies

If you can get beyond how twee Pushing Daisies is, and that is a massive hurdle, you'll find a wonderful show. Pushing Daisies about as saccharine as a sneezing baby panda and a tired kitten struggling to stay awake set on repeat for an hour. So, prepare yourself if "cutesy" isn't part of your lexicon.

The show is basically a supernatural murder mystery of the week which doesn't sound all that sweet. But the gruesome murders are just set up for a love story, food porn, Kristen Chenoweth (and her breasts), knitting, pop up books, basically everything that anyone might possibly consider thinking about describing as "just darling."

Push passed all that and it's such a fun show. It has so many quick, subtle and hilarious moments that even the average person would have to get swept up in it. Pushing Daisies made me laugh at a spit take (which was also adorable) and that's something. I'd sit through just about anything sugary if it can make something like a spit take work.

9. Dancing With The Stars

I just love the art of dance! Couple that with the thrills associate with all reality television and what a combo! It's more than that though as if that wasn't a big enough bang fer yer buck! You get some of your favorite celebrities in on the action. So, we're really upping the ante and this is just the idea stage. Seeing it in action is a whole 'nother level. And this is on free, over the air television?

"I call that a bargain. The best I ever had!!!!!" - The Who.

Just kidding. I don't watch this.

9. Curb Your Enthusiasm

Curb Your Enthusiasm makes a pretty strong case that society has, on one level, come to its senses. Simply by existing, Curb Your Enthusiasm proves that we, as a society, can finally admit what I have known all along: George Costanza is the best character on Seinfeld, not Kramer. I'm glad to know you finally caught up with me. Curb isn't quite The George Costanza Show, but it's the closest thing we've got.

8. Gilmore Girls

Just shut up. SHUT UP. There is nothing wrong with a man in his 20s loving Gilmore Girls is great. Well, maybe not the last season when Sherman-Palladino was pseudo forced out and the characters became annoying quirk fests that all the non-fans think the cast had been for all the previous seasons except, to make the new, lamer versions of the cast seem less annoying, they add Rory's two art school friends and oh my god how lame could it be.

Of course, it's hard to argue that the losing Sherman-Palladino was the worst thing ever since her last season in control involved a lengthy plot regarding a long lost daughter. I swear it was well written. I promise. Gah. How can I defend this?

Is it less emascualting if I say Lauren Graham was really hot as my defense (and skip using the word "heartwarming" which it totally was)?

PS - Kelly Bishop and Edward Herrmann are perfectly cast.

7. Futurama

Futurama is exactly what The Simpsons is supposed to still be...except in space. It's not as funny as The Simpsons in its heyday, but I'd take it over what we've been getting since season nine.

What Futurama has been able to do is not just be really, really funny is also be extremely heartbreaking. I like that, on occasion, Futurama throws you for a loop by not knowing what's coming. You want to laugh your ass off? How about crying because a blackhole just destroyed someone's chance at love?

6. Lost

Lost is proof that networks shouldn't be involved with television. Conjecture: ABC is responsible for almost every problem that affected Lost.

Had Lost gotten the shorter run the creators wanted from the beginning, would we have suffered through the overly long second and third seasons? Would we have wasted time on the Jack/Sawyer/Kate love triangle (worst part of the show)? Maybe we would have and maybe not. I'm sure some Lost obsessives could answer better than I could.

All I know is that Lost got way better when the creators said, "We want this end date and we're wrapping shit up." So, I'll just blame the suits on this one. Sure, hating on Lost is part of the appeal but I totally prefer liking things.

5. It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia

Hilarious and boring has a very thin line separating them when the line is shock value. Always Sunny sees the line and walks right up to it while rarely crossing it (unlike Family Guy which practically bought property on the wrong side). It's an amazing feat because you don't even notice how disgusting the characters are until later. "Was I just laughing at child molestation? Yeah, I guess I was."

Better than the shock value is how the characters interact. If one character supports something wholeheartedly, another hates that thing wholeheartedly and that's where the true beauty rests. It's five characters serving themselves as much to prove their only friends wrong as much to prove themselves right. It's amazing seeing stubborn assholes argue snap decisions with such vitriol.

4. Arrested Development

Unpopular opinion: Fox cancelling Arrested Development is the best thing to happen to Arrested Development and its fans. Allow me to explain.

It is not possible to keep that pace forever. It isn't. Even the third season had some minor faults. Beyond that, how long is something like "Her?" going to be funny? Would AD have stayed great for another few seasons? Maybe. Or maybe we'd be sitting here wondering why AD squandered all its good will like The Simpsons started doing in season 9. I'd rather have a really short, wonderful show than a longer show running on empty after a few years. And here's proof that I'm right:

3. The Office (UK)

Perfect. Not joking there isn't a single misstep in the series. Yes, the final five minutes of the Christmas special are a total tonal shift from the preceeding 445 minutes. The ending isn't even deserved by three of the four main protagonists but who the fuck cares. It's still perfect. You all ready got one perfect ending with the second series.

PS - US Office is kind of a turd accept for that Michael/Holly relationship which was the best thing in the entire five years of US Office.

2. Freaks And Geeks

I have a soft spot for television shows that realistically portray nerds on television (psst - this is because I'm a nerd in real life). Not the nerds that Saved By The Bell had, but the real nerds that exist. Freaks And Geeks is the best portrayal of nerds in high school ever.

More than geeks, Freaks and Geeks also--get this--has "freaks" in the stoner, non-sideshow way. As someone that made the Lindsey like transition from geek to freak, yeah, this show gets me pretty hard. Hard enough that only having half a season air this decade makes in #2 for me.

Also, Bill Haverchuck is my favorite television character right after George Costanza. Back to the realism for a second. Bill Haverchuck is the most visibly obvious geek on the show and is even written as the biggest geek on the show. Despite that, he is definitely not the smartest character. In fact, he's probably closer to the bottom in intelligence which is just not going for the stereotype. But it isn't pushing him in the opposite direction for false character either. It's just being realistic which is probably what helped get it cancelled.

PS - The moment in television history that made me wince the most is Sam Weir wanting to back out of Dungeons & Dragons. Then someone asks him if he'll play as Logan with them and I remember that I played Advanced Dungeons & Dragons as a kid as a character named Logan once.

1. The Wire

It's the best show ever. So, being the best of the decade is a given.

Most television shows don't respect themselves, their characters or their audiences. It's why we have catchphrases and Steve Urkels. Go for the easy, familiar material. No sense in anyone being challenged.

For the creators of The Wire and hopefully larger audiences in the future, this isn't the case. They don't make it easy on themselves or the viewers. They have respect for everyone, even the fictional characters, and everyone is challenged. Everyone is put through the ringer and everyone is explored unflinchingly. The writers, the characters and the audience.

Just do yourself a favor and watch it. Give it two episodes (the first episode is too doofy, cop show stereotype to be representative because "CAN YOU HEAR MY DICK?!?!?!" and symbolism so thick and hamfisted that the credits should be a slo-mo shot of a guy literally pissing into the wind). The second episode should alleviate all fears even if it has some bad bits (McNulty sure is a drunken Irish cop!).

Challenge: watch the first two episodes and then don't spend all your waking time waiting to watch the next 58 as soon as humanly possible.

Albums

For a music geek, I don't follow music news like I should. I don't read Pitchfork or Rolling Stone or NME or whatever the hip magazine is these days. I get into the trends well after the hip kids have moved onto whatever I currently think is weird and scary. The music I spent the most time enjoying in the past decade may not even be from this decade or even my lifetime. For every major album listed here, assume there were 20 albums from 20 years ago I was digging as much (typically).

Where possible, I have included links to Lala.com where you can legally hear the album for free. I think you have to sign up but, other than a few emails a month, it is commitment free.

I have also decided to list a song (or sometimes more than one) that is a pretty good starter for the album if you haven't heard it yet (I recommend listening to everything on all of them). I may not have picked the best or even my favorite song from the album, I typically picked something I felt was representative.

20. Beck - Sea Change

A great album but I prefer Beck in mildly humorous sample mode. If you just got dumped and want to mope around or something, this is the go to Beck album because Devil's Haircut doesn't quite work on that front.

Track of choice: Guess I'm Doing Fine

19. Pearl Jam - Pearl Jam

Not Pearl Jam's best by a longshot. Maybe it doesn't deserve to be here because it's not truly "great." Maybe I should drop it and move the half dozen albums that nearly made this up a spot. All I know is I jammed the hell out of this for the first few months of release.

The key to enjoyment is don't look at the cover and let a bunch of dudes in their 40s rock more than most dudes in their 40s are allowed to rock. Let Pearl Jam finally make an album that's not overwrought with their "oh, woe is me" lyrics and is, in fact, kind of positive in places. Then never listen to Backspacer because who the hell cares about Backspacer?

Track of choice: Life Wasted

18. Beck - Guero

Legit probably my favorite Beck album. I know Odelay is a thing but, I don't know, beyond the singles it doesn't move me. Maybe I never got into Odelay soon enough but Guero is such a great album that I'll give it the nod. Depending on how down I am, this could switch places with Sea Change in a heartbeat.

Track of choice: Hell Yes

17. Tool - Lateralus (no link, sorry)

Until 10,000 Days was released, every Tool album made all their preceding albums seem like parp in comparison. 10,000 Days comes out and I think, "I guess so." Maybe I lost my interest in Tool or maybe I was expecting too much. It was the first Tool album to not blow me away and, as such, Lateralus is the album to love. It's metal for people that aren't into Vikings. If you are looking for something heavy without being too wankery.

Track of choice: Parabol/Parabola

16. Burial - Untrue

It's kind of hard for me to say something about instrumental electronic beyond, "Pretty great."

"Pretty great."

Track of choice: Etched Headplate

15. The White Stripes - Get Behind Me Satan

As great as White Blood Cells and Elephant are, both have some weak patches. Get Behind Me Satan doesn't. The highs aren't as high but those boring bluesy songs don't get in the way of a solid album. If I were doing more albums, White Blood Cells might make it. If Elephant had half the tracks, Elephant might make it.

Track of choice: Blue Orchid I guess

14. Interpol - Turn On The Bright Lights

hay new york you know what will help you get over 911? a joy division cover band!

Turn On The Bright Lights is an album of its time which just so happens to be post 9/11 New York. I don't know why but it puts me right in that time period and fills me with that weird feeling that permeated most of us until some time in 2002. It's cathartic feeling that way about September 11th again because most of us spent the next few years hating Bush and Giuliani for using September 11th as a reason to push for anti-abortion laws and tap our phones.

Track of choice: NYC

13. Kanye West - 808s And Heartbreak

Kanye takes douchebaggery to the point of it actually being assholish but I listen to his music. As soon as he puts out a spoken word album, I'll give a shit about his dongish tendencies. Until then, the guy knows how to make music.

The "educated" hipsters will say that The College Dropout is the better album and, were it Jesus Walks on repeat a dozen times, I'd be on board. 808s and Heartbreak is Kanye's Blood On The Tracks: stripped down to the raw post-break up nerves only a life in showbiz can produce. It's never going to get out from under the beats and ego of his preceding albums but who cares?

It's interesting that, at his most open and emotional, Kanye West is still extremely misogynistic.

Track of choice: Welcome To Heartbreak

12. The Flaming Lips - Yoshimi Battles The Pink Robots

Yeah, the album loses focus a couple times but the peaks are still pretty great. The highlights are certainly strong enough to raise the weak spots. Even if that's not a strong enough selling point, it's a concept album (or at least four songs) about fighting robots with karate. If that doesn't get you to listen, why do I even know you?

Track of choice: Do You Realize?? (yes, the second question mark is part of the title)

11. AFX - Chosen Lords (sowwy, no links)

"Pretty great"

Track of choice: Fenix Funk 5

10. Radiohead - In Rainbows

I have a weird fascination with non-pop groups put out their version of a pop album. You know, like when The Velvet Underground released Loaded despite being the 1960s version of noise rock? In Rainbows isn't some big statement like OK Computer or Kid A. It's just a bunch of really great songs.

Track of choice: Videotape

9. LCD Soundsystem - Sound Of Silver

This just has a great energy and catchy songs that are surprisingly deep for catchy, energetic songs. It tricks you into thinking it's nothing but dance songs. Then it hits you that there is something there beyond dance music.

Track of choice: All My Friends

8. Wilco - Yankee Hotel Foxtrot

What can be said about this that hasn't been said? Wilco strips rock to its roots or something. There is something strange about singing about Ashes of American flags immediately after September 11. It's bold and weird which is exactly what Yankee Hotel Foxtrot is.

Track of choice: Jesus, etc.

7. Portishead - Third

When will we be far enough away from Dummy to admit that it isn't all that great? I enjoy it but Third was the first Portishead album I loved. The second half is so all over the place jumping from the extremely aggressive Machine Gun to the fragile Deep Water but it manages to stay in the same melancholy area.

Track of choice: We Carry On

6. Björk - Vespertine

This is quite the intimate album. I don't mean intimate in the sexual sense even though the album is more deserving of the title "Songs About Fucking" than Big Black's "Songs About Fucking." It's intimate in that it is seeing someone at their most open. This album is the musical equivilant of sitting in a cabin wrapped in a heavy blanket next to a fireplace in the middle of a blizzard...or doing it.

Track of choice: Hidden Place

5. Of Montreal - Hissing Fauna, Are You The Destroyer?

I can't even believe how much I listened to this album. It's not much like anything I've bothered to listen to more than a couple times. Despite its extremely poppy sound, it's dark as hell. Not many people willing to put their marriage falling apart into music make it this obvious. The specifics never make it to the final album because any number of reasons. Too scared to expose yourself, too personal to be popular to a big enough audience, too whatever to whatever. Hissing Fauna gets pretty personal and it's all the better for it.

Track of choice: Heimdalsgate Like A Promethean Curse

4. Sigur Rós - ()

Naming and album () is maybe the most pretentious thing ever. It's even worse than leaving something untitled. Then it just made sense to me. The album is separated into two halves that are similar but completely opposed. Like a set of parentheses, each half of () is its mirror opposite pointing toward the other and completing itself.

Track of choice: You really need to listen to the whole thing in one sitting to "get" it.

3. Fleet Foxes - Fleet Foxes

Mountain/folk music with perfect harmonies? It worked! It's also the most addicting listen of the last few years.

Track of choice: Blue Ridge Mountains

2. Arcade Fire - Funeral

Even before I could pay attention to the lyrics, I was right there getting punched in the stomach by the maudlin arrangements of Funeral. Funeral easily sneaks into your head and pushes you into this weird place that is a mix of loss and hope.

Track of choice: Rebellion (Lies)

1. Radiohead - Kid A

Stereotypical choice as all get out for best of the decade. It's like picking Sgt. Pepper for best of the 60s. Maybe in 30 years, Kid A will be seen as the Sgt. Pepper of the 2000s. The only difference is that Kid A is the fucking jam and Sgt. Pepper never deserved its reputation other than being extremely representative of a small time period.

It doesn't move me like it did a few years ago but the mountains on the cover will call me again. I'll be there in that world of Kid A again. And I'll go, "yeah, still a better choice for best of the decade than Sgt. Pepper is for the 60s."

Track of choice: Man, I don't even know. Just play the whole thing if you haven't heard it yet (AKA live on Mars).

Movies

For an emotionless loner, I have a lot of movies about love and relationships in my favorites of the decade. In my defense, I don't have any really schmaltzy romantic movies.

This is the section where I'm most worried I left out the best stuff of the decade. I'll never see all the movies I need to see. List is mostly compiled of movies that struck me emotionally and left an impact.

20. Lars And The Real Girl

For the goofiest premise in a while, this is a serious look at a quiet, 27 year old living in a garage. How is the story of a man in love with a sex doll not creepy as hell? Every time where it could easily wander into being too weird to work, it stops and moves on.

19. Moon

Hard science fiction films don't come our way often. See them when we are lucky enough to get them. It's not 2001 but it's still an awesome film. It covers a lot of the standard science fiction ideas (nature of life, loneliness, etc.) but it covers them well.

18. District 9

This is probably one of those movies that doesn't make it to a best of the decade list if it came out a few years before the end of the decade. Yes, Sharlto Copley's performance is deserving of an Oscar. Yes, it's a science fiction movie with a larger message (like all good science fiction). Yes, it looks like a $60 million dollar movie on a $30 million dollar budget.

Yeah, it probably deserves to be on a list of the top of the decade somewhere even if it's not placed this high.

17. Clovenfield [sic]

Do I need to say that I watched monster movies a ton as a kid or does including this make that point for me? My middle school years meant every Friday night would find me at home watching MonsterVision on TNT because it never occurred to me that there was something better to be doing with my life.

For all my indifference toward J. J. Abrams, Clovenfield is one of the most fun movies of the decade. It's maybe not Snakes On A Plane level fun, but oh there is something about pretty New York hipsters getting trampled to death.

16. Requiem For A Dream

Movies don't get this intense very often. So intense that watching this again may never happen for me. It portrays addiction and the ensuing struggle so accurately that it's all too much for me.

15. Synechdoche, New York

I keep meaning to watch this again because it's streaming on Netflix. I had to see it in theaters based entirely on Charlie Kaufman's name on the script (you know, the guy that wrote the 1977 2000 episode of Get A Life). When I left, I wasn't sure how I felt and I still don't know for certain. It's definitely the movie Kaufman was been working toward for years. It's the most ambitious movie of the decade. For that, it deserves a spot in spite of it's minor flaws.

14. Yi Yi

Life is small moments. This is nearly three hours of small moments for one family in Taiwan and it is beautiful.

13. Half Nelson

This movie is a bit too after school special to be a considered great. It's not proper after school special material because no one gets better or gets help. I love Ryan Gosling in this. I don't know why this got me so hard but it was stunned silent after watching this.

12. WALL·E

WALL·E is the most sexist movie of the year in that furthers the stereotypes of our patriarchal, male dominated society for children. The male robot is a hunter gatherer. The female is the sole protector of life which she keeps in her belly. Once the woman becomes a literal incubator, her only goal in life is achieved and she can be functionally dead.

Why is a story of two robots one of the most enjoyable love stories of the decade?

11. Oldboy

The average revenge flick puts you in the mind of the revenger of vengeance by simply showing you the bodies of his wife and kids killed for no good reason by local thugs. Oldboy lets you find out, with the protagonist, that things happen for a reason. A totally fucked up reason but a reason nonetheless.

But what sets Oldboy apart from others in its genre is that it all seems purposeful. It touches on some pretty out there subjects. It gets pretty dark. It gets pretty violent. It never feels like it's trying to shock you even though a synopsis of the movie is shocking.

10. The Royal Tennenbaums

What resonates most with me in Wes Anderson movies is that no one is really dealing with the emotional things going on around them. Things happen and everyone is pretty distant the whole time. Emotions rarely get to the surface. The Royal Tennenbaums is probably the strongest example of this in Anderson's work.

9. There Will Be Blood

I can't defend this movie. So, don't ask me what it's all about. I can't tell you other than some vague stuff about a descent into obsession and losing your soul on the way down.

I saw this in theaters and thought it was an okay movie with some pretty solid craft. I bought it on blu-ray because it was really cheap and I was struck dumb by it. Why is watching a complete asshole obsess over being the best, small time oil driller stunning? It just is.

8. Lost In Translation

Movie opens with a shot of Scarlett Johansson's butt.

7. No Country For Old Men

If you will permit me, I'd like to go back to the previous movie for a minute because, let's face it, Scarlett Johansson's butt is unspectacular when compared to literally everything else on Scarlett Johansson's body.

I am a sucker for films where people are in the midst of vague existential crises and they find stability in each other. Most movies today are about how people are ultimately alone and will never find a like sole. So, just seeing those same types of people connect in any way is better than the bland landscape of crap where most movies exist.

I am also a bit of a sucker for Bill Murray's effortless performances that dot his career. The ones where he appears to have stumbled into a movie set, the cameras kept rolling and Bill Murray plays himself or at least that image of Bill Murray that people have (GhostBusters, this, Stripes, Garfield: A Tale Of Two Kitties).

I am a sucker for love stories that aren't romantic comedies or schmaltzy crap that only happens in movies with John Cusack.

I am a sucker for anything with My Bloody Valentine anywhere near it.

7. No Country For Old Men (for real this time)

For all the buttholes that knock the ending, the movie is about Tommy Lee Jones. Watch it again. The Brand from Goonies/Tony "Ultimo Badass or sumpin" Sugar beef is just a for instance of things Tommy Lee Jones sees that make him realize there is no country for this old man. The opening narration sets it all up. The movie is better once you realize that.

Also, Anton Chigurh is one of the best performances of the last few years. Its understated simplicity betrays being a remorseless, amoral murderer. It's much more striking than the typical evil killer that can't be stopped until he accomplishes his goal.

6. Before Sunset

The movie least likely to have or in least need of a sequel is Before Sunrise. The ambiguity of the ending what elevates it above the average will they or won't they movie. So the idea of a sequel is blasphemous. After a few minutes, any blasphemous thoughts are out the window. It's a natural progression and the characters are so believable that you are with them again in the moment. Somehow, Before Sunset is better than Before Sunrise which puts it on a short list of films that aren't worse than the original.

5. Mulholland Dr.

First, this was a television pilot. A fucking television pilot. Can you believe this was going to be a series? I mean, holy shit, this was meant for television. What in the world was ABC thinking with this one? They cancelled David Lynch's last television effort and he gained, to my knowledge, no critical or audience acclaim. How is this a thing to be mesmerized by and love when it never should have made it out of the meeting room?

This came along when my love for David Lynch was at it's peak which helps cement it's place on the list. It couldn't have come at a better time for me. Lynch continues his exploration into the life of a disturbed, emotionally tortured woman and escapism fantasy. This time, it works better than ever.

4. The New World

First of all, Terrence Malick. That should be all you need to know. Secondly, maybe the most beautifully shot film of the decade which having Terence Malick attached should be a given. The exploration of new land as metaphor for love.

3. In The Mood For Love

Just schmaltzy enough to work as a romance film. Realistic enough to work for people without vaginas. It's as passionate a look at unrequited love as we're likely to see. There is something about seeing these two people follow the rules when they have every reason to break them.

2. City Of God

more like a city that needs more god if you ask me!

1. Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind

Eternal Sunshine is almost two hours of proving why people say, "If I had it to do all over again, I'd wouldn't change a thing." We wouldn't. People don't change. Even with the benefit of hindsight, we do the same things over again.

This movie is filled with those little moments tucked away in everyone's memory that we don't need to discuss. That's what makes this such a powerful movie. It's keen look inside all of us.

Also, Eternal Sunshine tricked me into thinking Jim Carrey wasn't a complete waste of time which is pretty notable.

Well, that's it for everything. If you disagree, feel free to be wrong.

2009 Movies In Review

2009-12-19T11:56:00.002-05:00

I didn't watch nearly the amount of movies this year as I normally do. I opted instead to watch movies I really wanted to see instead of wasting my time.

As usual, not listing movies I saw that were released outside of the USA in years previous only for us to finally get it this year (Sorry, Ponyo). Also as usual, some bad computer shit went down and I lost the list I made of all the movies I saw. Basically, I don't remember everything I saw

If you didn't see these movies, you wasted your life:

Where The Wild Things Are - Number of movies that respect children instead of saying "Ehh, it's just a movie for kids" includes this and Up.
Watchmen - mayhap my favorite movie of the year. Why is Best Buy always out of the Ultimate Cut blu ray
District 9 - Probably the best performance of the year is whoever starred in this. Also, movie is great.
Moon - We get maybe one hard science fiction movie a decade. This is it.
The Road - Feel good movie of the year!

Movies you really should see:

Up - I legit cried during this at the part where he's looking at the book again.
Inglourious Basterds - Quentin Tarantino's best movie because it didn't feel like Quentin Tarantino Tarantinoizing every shitty Japanese movie he'd ever seen since into a giant mess.
Crank: High Voltage - Only reason this is not the best movie of the year is because it could never live up to the movie in my head. In some ways, it is more ridiculous but in other ways, it is not.
Funny People - Don't go into this movie thinking it's a comedy because it's not a comedy. That is the key to starting to appreciate this movie.
A Serious Man - We get maybe zero serious look at religion movies a decade that aren't Kirk Cameron saying, "Have you considered a change in your life?" This is it.
Mega Shark Vs. Giant Octopus - The average person will probably not enjoy this but it is awesome for genre fans like me. I'd say it's almost worth watching just to see the cut to an extreme close up of Lorenzo Lamas saying, "Whooaa! What the?"

These are good but don't go out of your way:

The Hangover - Probably the funniest movie of the year but only because Crank: High Voltage could never live up to my expectations.
Paranormal Activity - I respect this more than I liked it but it didn't scare me. Maybe it will scare you.
Avatar - Last Samurai remade by the people that made Delgo.

I guess these are good:

The Men Who Stare At Goats - Movie was okay but not up to the standard of the cast or true life story.
The Girlfriend Experience - This is one of those Steven Soderbergh "experimental" movies. That's about all you need to know. Also, STARS PORN STAR YOU'VE NEVER HEARD OF BECAUSE HOW MANY PORN STARS CAN YOU NAME!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Friday The 13th - Better than Friday the 13th: Jason Takes Manhattan and Jason Goes To Hell. Worse than every other Friday the 13th.

Don't waste your time:

Hotel For Dogs - There was one part that made me laugh and I don't even remember what was said. So, best part of movie is forgettable.
I Love You, Beth Cooper - I technically didn't even watch this whole thing because I was running projection and wanted a movie I could miss bits of without feeling I had missed anything. I probably saw 90% of the first hour and 20 minutes and maybe five minutes of the last 20. Aaaaanyywaaaay, key to making a movie about a likeable zhlub is making him likeable instead of the worst character in the film.
Ink - This was recommended to me via Netflix as a movie I would love (though it predicted a rating of "really liked it." The correct rating is that I turned it off after 20 minutes which is pretty bad because I have sat through some real crap just to say I watched it.
The International - It's not that this movie is necessarily bad, it just never gets to be good.
Confessions Of A Shopaholic - "Women be shoppin' WOMEN BE SHOPPIN' YA'LL CAN'T STOP A WOMAN FROM SHOPPING!" There is seriously one great moment in this movie. A homeless woman sings a couple lines of You're Breaking My Heart by Harry Nilsson for no reason and that is legit one of the best things ever this year.

Steve Tyler quit Aerosmith

2009-11-10T14:47:00.004-05:00

Does this mean there will have one band that sounds exactly like Aerosmith and one band that sounds exactly like Aerosmith with an unpopular replacement singer? Which band will be worse?

When the best possible outcome of a situation is an Aerosmith reunion, just ugh.

EDIT: Steven Tyler back in Aerosmith. Guh.

Heh

2009-11-02T13:48:00.002-05:00

Seeing Noble Roman's listed first on Yahoo's Top 15 Franchise Failures pretty much makes my day.

Who would have thought that a company that hires multiple crack addicts for managers wouldn't make it? Welp...

Hear Ye! Hear Ye!

2009-11-01T14:09:00.002-05:00

Daylight Saving Time proclaimed crappy by all.

I'm sort of--only sort of, not completely--over hating Daylight Saving Time. I still hate it but it's not a true hatred it. It's more like "Oh yeah, I still hate it but who has the energy" kind of hatred which isn't really the same thing. What I do still hate is the argument "We're getting more daylight...a DOY!!!!!!!!" as if we could actually do that somehow.

What Daylight Saving Time actually is is trick people into thinking they are not getting up an hour earlier. That's all it is. Can we please just acknowledge this? Please?

Also, I love that we have decided to move Daylight Saving Time to after Halloween. The idea that we are kowtowing to candy companies in our legislation makes me extremely happy. We're only on Daylight Saving Time more than we're on standard time now. So, what's the big deal?

No reason to live

2009-10-31T01:12:00.002-04:00

There is no more Chocolate Soldier nee Choc-ola in the world (well, most likely not) and, honestly, why should I bother going on in life?

Since I discovered that my life was an empty shell and that a chocolate beverage held more sway over me than most everything, I had been saving one bottle of Chocolate Soldier. I guess having it was a comfort in this hateful world where people can't even bother buying enough Choc-ola to keep it in production. Part of me always hoped that wanting Choc-ola back enough would simply cause production to start again [Lord knows calling the company wasn't going to help (I called once to confirm it wasn't in production. I'm not that lame to keep calling.)].

I wanted to save it for a special occasion like going into space to make it that much more awesome or if I were so depressed that literally nothing but the wonderful taste of Choc-ola could bring me back from the brink of despair. I didn't do that though. It expired 10/09 which meant today 10-31-09 was the last day I could possibly have it without it being potentially spoiled (this would be treason against myself).

So, I basically the last pure thing on Earth is gone and I have nothing but memories and the bottle. I guess I could hope for the scant possibility of stupid Cadbury (as last I heard owns Choc-ola but I'm not sure after the demerger) will sense the great injustice in the universe and pore all their energy into Choc-ola instead of disgusting Cadbury eggs. What reason do I have for going on in this horrible world?

Simpsons air a Treehouse of Horror before Halloween?

2009-10-19T14:11:00.003-04:00

It happened!

Also it was really good. Probably the best Halloween episode in years. I would legit pay money to watch the third act in performed as a play.

So, this movie Paranormal Activity has been extremely popular at work (making up over 40% attendance some days). I figure I should mention that it is not scary. Remember in Blair Witch when you spent forever waiting for stuff to get scary and it would only get scary for about a minute before returning to being wholly unscary for another 10 minutes? It's exactly like that except that the scares are extremely predictable.

The first time they set up the camera in the bedroom, I said "Oh, so essentially all of the scares are going to happen in the hallway on the left side of the screen. It's going to try to scare me by doing the following things..." I didn't predict each specific scare but you know where it's going a few minutes before hand because jeez it's always really obvious to anyone that has seen a haunted house movie before.

For example, there is a Ouija board scene and guess how it ends. If you said that the planchette doesn't move of it's own accord (potentially demonically moved), then you are incorrect. It's filled with moments like that. It's not to say these moments aren't well done which, despite some weak acting and a couple story points, everything is well done. It's too easy to see where everything is going for anyone that is familiar with horror movies for this too work.

Because you demanded it

2009-09-29T21:08:00.004-04:00

Marmaduke is becoming a movie. I literally could have been reading the comics this morning and not have come up with an idea this stupid.

I personally can't wait for the scene where Marmaduke, while wearing a trench coat and fedora, is coming out of the butcher shop with a string of sausages in his mouth and the veteran butcher says to the new butcher "I told you that customer looked suspicious." I also can't wait for the DVD in hopes that Joe Mathlete gets to do a commentary track.

Prediction on the first 30-45 seconds of the trailer: It will begin as a parody of whichever superhero movie is going to be big next summer (Iron Man 2 or something). It will probably be a close up of what we, the audience, believe to be a logo or the suit of said superhero. The announcer will say something like, "This summer, get ready for the greatest name in comic history."

Three second pause.

"Maaaaaaaaaaarmaduuuuuuuuuuuke!" yelled from extreme close up of mouth as it zooms out to reveal whoever plays Phil Winslow, Marmaduke's owner (I've considered that it may cut to two or three people yelling "Marmaduke" to indicate that Marmaduke, as we all know, angers a lot of people because he is a big dog.). I'm going to stick to the person yelling being none other than Phil Winslow because I suspect the "plot" of Marmaduke: The Movie will be similar to Beethoven.

Cue the song Papa's Got A Brand New Bag, I Got You (I Feel Good), Super Bad or some other upbeat James Brown song that isn't It's A Man's Man's Man's World or Say It Loud. The song may actually begin with a record scratch.

Marmaduke's head will appear from one of three hilarious locations: a big pile of sausages, a big pile of suds (most likely from a washing machine being overloaded with soap when Dottie tries to wash him), or from a hole in the ground that Marmduke himself has been digging.

At this point, the trailer will show the "funny" bits of the movie which will essentially be nothing more than a recreation of several Marmaduke dailies.

In all seriousness, does anyone enjoy Marmaduke?

By the way, this is my 420th post. BLAZE UP HOMIES! BECAUSE 420 MEANS GETTIN' HIGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The worst part about washing your mobile phone is...

2009-09-21T13:30:00.002-04:00

knowing you will never get that score on Tetris back again. The inconvenience of not having a phone does not compare to the loss I feel.

Unrelated note: this article on The Onion is probably the best.

In case you are the only one who hadn't heard

2009-09-09T17:44:00.005-04:00

bird is the word. Also...

Literally anyone worth a toss has been looking forward to the big release of ~~that dumb movie 9 that ain't no we don't have a midnight show of~~ the Beatle remasters today. Being worth at least two tosses, I preordered the mono box. I am pretty happy with it even though the outer box arrived in less than perfect shape.

I've been wanting the catalogue remastered for years and was tired of stupid stupid remixes to go with remasters. I skipped The Yellow Submarine "song"track completely despite having Hey Bulldog on it. I skipped Beatles Love. I skipped 1. I wanted what The Beatles had done instead of some doofus 30 years later saying, "How about we boost the bass a bit for some extra punch?"

Side note: I bought Let It Be...Naked despite being new mixes because it was "what the Beatles intended." It was actually further from what was originally intended being full of edits among other things. Across The Universe was pretty great on it though.

Anyway, I've been avoiding this whole remastered Beatles thing until I'd finally get what I want. I finally got it and it's pretty great thus far. The first thing to which I listened was one second of Day Tripper while I skipped to Hey Bulldog. My initial thoughts were "Yeah, this is better but I'm not blown away as promised." So, I went to the beginning of the mono version of Past Masters. Day Tripper, though is obviously corrected because there is no guitar drop out (there go the claims of not being remixed which burns me because, though it's probably technically better, I want the originals), and We Can Work It Out sounded fine and all. I still wasn't remastered, rediscovered The Beatles at all. Then the harmonies on Paperback Writer came on and changed my mind. I realized that I won't be in constant awe but it's the little bits that come to me that will hit me.

So far, I've only listened to Revolver all the way through (not the mono Pepper for some reason even though I've spent big bux just to get a mono version on a crumby bootleg). It's really awesome hearing stuff now that I wasn't really all that aware of before. The best description, for those that haven't all ready bought the remasters, is like listening to Loveless the first time and the next few times: the album isn't any different but you still hear it differently and it's suddenly way better.

I have a major gripe with the mono box though. Why include stereo versions of Help! and Rubber Soul? I'm glad to have them but DO THAT FOR EVERY ALBUM ORIGINALLY MIXED IN STEREO! Why didn't you include them all and have one giant box set. Just call it the definitive Beatles box or something stupid. I'd have all the albums right now instead of deciding on buying the stereo box or just the CDs not included in the mono box.

I'll also need the stereo white album (the stereo Pepper for all its speed differences can whatever all over the place for all I care). I can live with the minor differences in mixing between the mono and stereo versions (different bird sounds on blackbird is blasphemy dude!!!!!!!!!!). I need to have the full length, inferior mix of Helter Skelter. Also, I can't imagine what it would be like owning the mono version for years then buying the CD and saying "What in the tarnation of hell is this extra stuff on my Helter Skelter? Blisters on his fingers?" Why couldn't they have included all this on the mono version in 1968 because the mono version sounds so much better but it's missing the ending? Also, buying the stereo version will make it the fourth copy of the white album (The Beatles) I've bought in my life. am i tommy lee jones from men in black or what?

Side note 2: I made sure to listen to I Will and Paul going doo doo doo to indicate the bass part is even more prominent after the start of the second verse. This alone almost makes the remasters worth it. Also, heh.

Anyway, this remaster thing on the whole is pretty freaking awesome. I'm loving how everything sounds and it's about damn time The Beatles start listening to what I've been saying for years. I like to think I know a little something about music.

EDIT: Mono box doesn't fit properly on my music shelves. beatles suk teh end

I always mean to update this thing but don't anymore.

2009-09-06T01:48:00.003-04:00

That's a roundabout way of saying I'm still conceited enough to think complete strangers want to read the intimate details of my life; I'm not conceited enough to use Twitter though. If you one the kind of person hanging on by a thread waiting to live vicariously through my thoughts on breakfast cereal or whatever, who knows when I'll update again if ever. You should probably just come back every few months and maybe I will have updated hours of hilarious comments (y'all ever notice eating Golden Crisp makes yer pee smell like Golden Crisp? True story) or maybe I won't have written anything...because I'm dead and I can't update from beyond the graaaaaaaave. Either way, you may want to find someone else through which you can live vicariously because, well, I'm not especially interesting.

Remember that part where I said I mean to update this thing but don't really do it? Here are some things that I had considered writing about but didn't. Or maybe I started to and never finished. I was going to. I swear but then I realized I had something extremely important such as counting the number of times I fart in a day (record is probably 100+ but that is a story for another day).

That new g. i. joe movie came out. Couldn't bring myself to watch it. Don't get me wrong. I can still judge it harshly and do. It's not G. I. Joe to me and I knew it wouldn't be. Based on everything I've heard, I would have cried, written angry letters to everyone involved in its making, or just punched the first person I saw. Probably not the best idea to see it. Am I getting mature enough to realize I shouldn't waste my time with movies that I know are a waste of time? Maybe.

Guys should not wear a red or maroon shirt with black suits. If you are one of the guys doing it, please stop. I know you saw someone wear it and it looked classy matched with a black tie. Oh god, it was not classy. It was the tackiest look that I've actually seen a person wear. If you want to look like a low level mobster, even then don't do it. In fact, don't even buy a red/maroon dress shirt. You can get so much more mileage out of almost any other color.

Actually, scratch that. I would allow a maroon shirt if, and only if, you were upgrading from a black shirt/black suit combination. Oh my word what a terrible idea that is. I know that "everything goes with black" so "how can I lose?" seems to make sense. It so does not with suits. It makes the tie stick out too much unless you're wearing a black tie with the black shirt and suit and since Johnny Cash is dead, welp. So help me god if you wear a red tie with a black suit and shirt.

I am offically offering to pee in the face of anyone that works for a mortgage company because mortgage companies are the worst for real. US Bank employees are always guaranteed a spot in the front of the line because fuck a US Bank. Related note: parents are usually not terrible.

I Love You, Beth Cooper? More like I loathe you, Beth Cooper. I had an actually funny idea for this post format-wise that resulted in my legit "laughing out loud" as the kids say. I will never finish that post mostly due to not being remotely timely anymore.

A dudemeister supreme got married a few weeks back and I never commented on it. Probably the most fun I had in a while. Also, the hottest I have ever been in my life (both physical appearance and wedding was held on surface of sun [citation needed] which is extremely warm).

The Sega CD is awesome. Anyone claiming otherwise is dumb and probably never played one. This was going to be a really long post and I'm kind of lazy (AKA really lazy). Never got around to it (AKA too busy playing Sega CD, you sucker chumps).

There was a bunch of other stuff I was going to write about and mayhap I will someday. So, for now, take with you the things you just read. They will help you make it through the hard times. Remember when there was only one set of footprints? That's when my thoughts on maroon shirts were carrying you.

I had too much to dream (two nights ago)

2009-08-14T15:19:00.002-04:00

Had a dream the other night that I legally changed my name to Greg Myers.

Not sure what this means.

Death of (someone everyone believes to be a) child molester (but was never proven) seen as tragedy

2009-06-26T01:02:00.004-04:00

I'm not particularly concerned with the life of celebrities or the idea of celebrity. I take the death of a celebrity about as hard as I take the death of any complete stranger to me (ie - not at all). I can count on one hand the number of celebrity deaths that have bothered me: Kurt Cobain, Phil Hartman and George Harrison (I legit cried at the last one).

I was also bothered that Anna Nicole Smith's death was being covered as honest to Crom news by television "news" stations for days. Her death didn't affect me but the idea that it garnered more attention than mere mention at the bottom of the screen (WHY IS THIS NEWS?).

Anyway, Michael Jackson died. I feel like I should be kind of sad because Off The Wall and Thriller are both pretty great albums. I'm not sad. I must care a little bit though because I am writing this. The truth is I planned on writing something humourous about him dying but couldn't be bothered. Also, I realized that I can never beat the following two items covering Michael Jackson's death:

Item 1: from Shaquille O'Neal's Twitter page (the picture Shaq linked makes this post)

"This is the cavs new hot cheerleader,wow smokin. @THE_REAL_SHAQ http://twitpic.com/67l1u - new Cavaliers' Girl! Ain't she peerrty? Rip Mj"

Item 2: from some picture I found online
How do you top that? Honestly, how do you top that?

Movie questionnaire

2009-06-02T02:24:00.003-04:00

So, basically a blog I happen to follow, the writer of which happens to worship the ground upon which I walk, is part of some ring of blogs or some such nonsense. The writer of that blog decided to answer a bunch of movie questions after one of his friends did.

Since I,

1. have the best taste in movies
2. have nothing better to do with my life
3. am incredibly good looking
4. did I mention my good looks?

It seems only logical that I also answer these questions. On with the questions.

What is the first film you ever saw?
I have no idea but I think E. T. was the first I saw in a theater. My parents watched a butt load of James Bond movies when I was a kid so it's likely that I saw one of those first.

What is your favorite film of all time?
Seven Samurai or The Goonies

Each one speaks to my soul in ways that nothing else does. Also, Seven Samurai has the subtitle Sheeyit (Clay Davis plays samurai).

What is your favorite line in a film?
I don't have one.

Single lines don't do it for me I guess. Just assume I picked some monologue Crocker-Harris said in The Browning Version.

What film made you realize that film was an art?
Seven Samurai.

My dad is maybe the least movie person I can imagine. I think he took a film course in college because he occasionally name drops Ingmar Bergman, Federico Fellini and Akira Kurosawa. His VHS collection--he has no movies on DVD--consists of movies I taped that I never bothered to take when I moved out, fishing instruction videos and commerical free, foreign movies he taped off Bravo when Bravo wasn't a non-stop marathon of rich bitches and their gay best friends.

So, one day I had watched all my own movies too many times. I'd heard Seven Samurai was one of the greatest films of all time. Despite my dad agreeing, I decided to watch it anyway and it literally changed my life forever. I transformed from guy that watches more movies than you to guy that watches more movies than you but is really snobby about it. Thanks to Seven Samurai I am the kind of person that considers bad taste in movies a character flaw.

What movie do you consider your guilty pleasure?
I have no guilty pleasures in film. I embrace the movies I love completely without shame.

BUT, I acknowledge that Mannequin should be a guilty pleasure only because people fail to recognize its genius. I don't freely mention Gilmore Girls but that's a television show.

Who is your favorite movie character of all time?
Atticus Finch.

The film version of Atticus Finch represents what all people should be. He spends a year of his life defending a person in a case he will not win and he knows it from the beginning. Why? Because it is the right thing to do. His closing argument makes me weep thinking about it. Atticus is the perfect person.

In the extreeeeeeeeeeeeemely unlikely event that I have a son, his middle name is likely to be Atticus. I'd make it his first name but I hate hate hate when people have first names that end with the same sound as the beginning of their last name. Where does one end and the other begin? Also, I don't want a bunch of dorks to make weird inferences based on his name.

What is your favorite movie snack food?
I don't have one.

I have probably eaten popcorn at movies more than anything else; I guess that wins by default but popcorn is a vile weed that should be banned from theaters.

Who is your favorite director of all time?
Akira Kurosawa.

Read that thing about Seven Samurai again. I own almost every existing Kurosawa movie on DVD.

Who is the most impressive filmmaker working today?
Assuming filmmaker means director, Terence Malick.

If one actually counts Yuri Norstein as working today, he might be number one though I prefer Days Of Heaven and The New World over anything Norstein has done.

What quality do the best directors share?
They are not Roland Emmerich.

Slightly more serious answer: not much of anything. My favorite directors are wildly different from each other in most ways. So, I'll say understanding good shot composition and be done with it.

Who is your favorite actor/actress of all time?
I honestly don't have one. I have no serious allegiance to any actor/actress.

I did go out of my way to meet Bruce Campbell and read one of his books. Even though I don't really care for most of his body of work, I guess he wins by default. I'd still rather meet Mr. T though.

Who is your favorite actor/actress working today?
Ryan Gosling.

I know I don't have a favorite actor but Half Nelson fucking floored me. Then I saw Lars And The Real Girl and I love it more every time I see it. Two years in a row, my favorite movies were my favorite movies because of one actor. Even when the movies he is in are dumb, I still like his performance. From this point on, I will probably see anything he is in until he starts Robert DeNiro-ing his career away in painfully unfunny comedies based on personality stereotypes.

Who would you cast in a film about your life?
I'd prefer there not be a film about my life but, if there must be one, I'd want it to be a documentary.

Finish these sentences:

If you could remake one movie...
I am not a film maker and couldn't improve on even the worst movie.

If I must choose I would say A Sound Of Thunder because literally everything is wrong with it. I don't know that I could make it worse if I tried.

I never wanna watch a movie with...
coprophagia.

The perfect movie is...
probably extremely entertaining.

A bird crapped on my car

2009-05-20T12:54:00.002-04:00

within two hours of getting it washed. I was mildly annoyed at first but then became pretty stoked re: the bird poop. It confirmed that these things actually happen and don't exist only in the realm bad sitcoms like dogs eating your homework.

Just try and Stay Positive

2009-05-14T16:16:00.000-04:00

Someone I pseudo-know, but not truly know, through the interweb (AP uses Internet) wrote this:

I'm just getting old, and starting to wish people would be more open and honest about things they liked and expressive about their joy, rather than hyperbolic and thorough about their disappointments.

This is kind of how I've felt for a while now. Technically, my thoughts on expressing joy are unchanged since I am not particularly joyful. I am tired of being "hyperbolic and thorough" regarding disappointment which should explain my lack of blogging since this is mostly my forum for complaining about ice cream or breakfast cereal or whatever the fuck.

In the spirit of staying positive on the interweb, here are some awesome things that have happened recently:

1. At the onramp from Main Street, Anytown, USA (Greenwood, IN) onto 65 north, there are two lane closure signs. Until recently, they illogically indicated that the left lane ended. So, motorists were instructed to merge right before merging left 200 yards later onto 65. Not only were they illogical, they were wrong. Neither lane ends before the other; both end about the same time, narrowing equally.

Recently, a construction crew has painted an arrow on the ground in the right lane indicating to merge left before ultimately merging left again onto the highway. They have also replaced the signs with signs indicating the right lane ends. Now people are instructed to merge left twice instead of merging right then left. It doesn't correct the issue of both lanes narrowing equally but I'm not wasting tax payer money on completely tearing up the onramp to make things better.

It was a joyous day seeing the construction crew because I hoped they were doing something about the signs. The next day, I saw that they had. looks like obama is got the job done in his frist hundo days!!!!!!!

2. Talked to two people named Sibley recently. One was a Julie Sibley that worked for IMAX. Likelihood of being related: unknown.

The second one was some girl with the unlikely first name Sibley. Her parents are obviously on the ball. "The ball" meaning "drugz." Sibley is the best name (a doy) but I don't know if it is the best first name for a girl. Had the girl not been approximately 10, I would have proposed marriage on the spot despite my strict no marrying policy. The idea of someone named Sibley Sibley is too fantastical to pass.

Note to self: remember girl; sell her sibley the best shirt.

Note to self: remember girl; marry her.

3. Pepsi is doing a limited time promotion of "Throwback" sodas which use real sugar instead of high fructose corn syrup. It tastes slightly different. Not better. Different. Since high fructose corn syrup is the devil to new age health nerds and causes dong cancer or something, this is probably great news for me. I'd prefer this to not be limited time. Everyone should buy some and tell Pepsi that this is what people want. Maybe Coke will follow and return to their "classic" formula we haven't had since New Coke became the running joke of the rest of time.

4. Had to go to the county auditor this week (lame) which is at the county court house in Franklin, IN (also lame). When I arrived, I saw some poh-lice moving some prisoners actually wearing black and white striped uniforms. I was under the impression that most prison uniforms were bright orange scrubs and that black and white stripes were limited almost entirely to bad halloween costumes. I was excited to see this and tried to get a picture of it on my mobile telephone.

5. Dylan's new album, Together Through Life, is not that great but it reminded me that there are a few Dylan albums I don't have which are typically really cheap at Best Buy. So, I bought Saved of all things. I'd been putting off getting it for a number of reasons 1) it is a Dylan from the 1980s that is not Oh Mercy 2) is from his Christian "trilogy" 3) it almost always gets the third worst reviews from both groups (his 1980s and Christian albums) 4) I wanted the original cover art instead of the whitewash album cover added later.

Anyway, I listened to it and found it quite enjoyable. Yes, it's gospel rock of all things. It's not Dylan's finest album by any stretch but I haven't been this pleasently surprised by a Dylan album maybe ever. Quite energetic for Bob Dylan.

6. Lost last night was pretty amazing. For the first time, the season ended with logical progression that made me anticipate the next season instead of crazy twist. This has easily been the best season of the series. Next season will probably blow my mind even though the story of Jacob will likely be nothing but a modern day biblical tale.

That's about it as far as awesome things. I guess it was only mildly positive but what do you want from me? Note to self: to offset this spike in positivity, next blog will be a suicide note.

...get everyone on the same page

2009-05-05T20:48:00.003-04:00

...get everyone on the same page...get everyone on the same page...get everyone on the same page...get everyone on the same page...get everyone on the same page...get everyone on the same page...get everyone on the same page...get everyone on the same page...get everyone on the same page...get everyone on the same page...get everyone on the same page...get everyone on the same page...get everyone on the same page...get everyone on the same page...get everyone on the same page...get everyone on the same page...

Yes, let's all get everyone on the same page.

Talk to strangers

2009-04-06T23:06:00.008-04:00

There is a new website called Omegle. The basic premise is that you chat with complete strangers. No one has a profile. No one can look up anything about it. It's complete anonymity which means it's a bunch of nerds hoping a female with a webcam is ready to partay. Also, Brazilian people.

There is something mildly interesting about communicating with complete strangers. If it's not interesting, you can just stop. So, here is an example of the conversation you could be having with a complete stranger (I am "you," stranger is "stranger"):

Connecting to server...
You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: hey
You: hello
Stranger: what's up?
You: it is the newest pixar movie
Stranger: mhm.
You: no, it really is
Stranger: have you ever seriously investigated the government's claims about 9/11?
You: i dont think that's what the movie up is about
Stranger: look, the latest pixar movie can wait
You: it has ed asner and his house has balloons on it
Stranger: George Bush LIED to us about 9/11
Stranger: the government is in a massive coverup because they were complicit
You: i'll have to wait for up
You: it doesn't come out until may
Stranger: and you're worried about pixar movies?
Stranger: get your fucking priorities straight.
You: but it's in 3D
You: have you ever seen a 3D movie
You: it's like you're right there
You: in the movie
Stranger: I've seen good friends die in vietnam.
Stranger: that'll teach you what being right there really means.
You: well, if his balloon house lands in vietnam
You: it's rated g
You: so there probably isn't a lot of killing
Stranger: heh. okay, I'm moving on. well played.
You: i think the movie will probably play on my emotions if that's what you mean
Stranger: later.
You: i cried at wall-e
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

EDIT: Someone claiming to be a woman attempted to have cyber sex with me. I figured this was worth preserving.

Stranger: hey sexy
You: you have me confused with someone else
You: i am mildly sexy at best
Stranger: im so horny
Stranger: wont you hel?
Stranger: *help?
You: i guess i can
Stranger: please do babes
You: what turns you on?
You: i will pretend that is my speciaty
You: *specialty

about two minutes pass
You: are you cumming yet?
You: I'm trying my best
Stranger: what would you do to me if i was on your bed?
You: that depends if you are male or female
You: i have two very different scenarios pictured
Stranger: female
You: i assume you are lying but i can pretend
You: i suppose i would probably attempt to woo you in some way
You: this normally results in me not getting any
You: so i should probably do the opposite of my natural inclinations
Stranger: dominate me
Stranger: do what you will
Stranger: i need something
Stranger: im acheing
You: are you all ready naked because that changes my opening move?
You: supposing you are all ready naked, i would probably take off my clothes as well
Stranger: im always naked
You: don't you get cold
You: oh wait, the sex
Stranger: not when i have you to heat me up
You: i get distracted easily
You: i guess I should probably mount you in some way
You: what are your favorite positions?
Stranger: im def a backwards cow girl
Stranger: but babe, you do as you like
You: backwards cowgirl is fine with me
You: it also has the benefit of me not needing to do much
You: so i guess i would lay down on the bed
You: wait, that should be lie down
You: even in sex, proper grammar
Stranger: def
Stranger: and i would straddle you
You: yes, that is generally how the position works
Stranger: pressing my breasts into your mouth
You: that is not backwards cowgirl
Stranger: i start this way
You: unless you are extremely flexible
Stranger: duh
You: oh, good then
You: because you were kind of creeping me out with how flexible you were
Stranger: now what?
You: i guess would be sucking on your breasts
You: seeing as they would be in my face and all
You: also, breasts are pretty great
You: probably playing with your nipples and so forth
You: i guess you could blow me or something
You: by the way, while you are blowing me, i am eating a sandwich
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

If I plan on keeping this up, I should probably start making a separate blog for every stupid conversation I have on this site.

He goes to sleep by falling down on his face

2009-03-25T12:37:00.002-04:00

I kept passing out for no known reason last Thursday. I was pretty lucky because the first time I fainted I was all ready lying down. The second time, there was a filing cabinet nearby that kind of broke my fall when my face hit it on the way down.

So, here are some helpful tips when you are admitted to the hospital:

Do not have a hairy chest. Removing leads for an ECG is not awesome if you do.
Unless you like full screen presentations of last year's hit movies and day time television (ie - are lame), bring a book.
The most attractive nurses apparently work in the ER. Nurses become progressively less attractive the longer you are in the hospital.
Get plenty of sleep in advance because those jerks will wake you up as much as possible
Do not get an IV in your dominant arm if you have the choice because it makes using that arm kind of not using it.
The only way you're getting out of the hospital is by being an asshole. While you are agreeable, everyone leaves you alone. When you start saying that you're leaving whether they discharge you or not, they start getting a clue and speed things up.
Don't trust bathroom scales. I thought I weighed a lot more than I did but the hospital says I weighed about 20 pounds less. Considering how much I weigh, 20 pounds is a big deal.

Who watched the Watchmen?

2009-03-02T22:57:00.006-05:00

get it?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

I did on Friday night/Saturday morning but I haven't had time to comment until now (busy watching through The Wire).

I hate you Zack Snyder. Your version of Dawn Of The Dead was all right if only to hear Jim Davis (not that one) keep saying "zombie baby" every time that pregnant woman on screen. 300 was two hours of pure ugggggghhhh from start to finish.

I saw the trailer for Watchmen when I previewed The Dark Knight and knew, knew that Zack Snyder would mess it up some day, some way. It looked right but he would ruin it. If Terry Gilliam and Darren Aronofsky couldn't get it done, Zack Snyder certainly wasn't going to get it right.

The stuff on the internet about the Keane act, the Black Freighter trailer, the everything was so spot on. God, how was this movie going to suck when everything around it was so awesome? It was mindboggling.

Have you ever spent years waiting for a movie knowing it's going to suck (G. I. Joe) only to have your dick kicked in (figuratively) for being super wrong? That's Watchmen for ya.

Yes, Watchmen is completely awesome and, for that, I hate you Zack Snyder. I all ready relegated you into the group of directors failing upwards like Roland Emmerich or Michael Bay. Thanks to Watchmen, I have to risk watching your future crumby movies that I know are going to suck because of one great film like the Wachowski brothers did with Speed Racer.

why did you make me reevaluate my preconceived notions zack snyder when all my notions are and always will be right?!?!?!?!?!

Watchmen is, obviously, not perfect. Things are cut. Things are changed. The movie makes some choices I'd consider either bizarre or blasphemous if I didn't know in advance it was also commenting on the state of super hero movies. It is still the best adaptation possible for a 2 hour 43 minute movie (technically not true but damn close).

I can understand why most things were changed or left out which is the than I could dream of getting. I don't get Hollis Mason's death or Rorschach getting into the psychologist's head. I do get all the "hurm"s I could ask for and grease in a guy's face. It's a trade off and the great things outnumber the bad ones by a wide margin.

Because it's Zack Snyder though, the errors are mind blowingly glaring. It makes me wonder if he didn't have one more fan of Watchmen on the crew to say, "Uhhhhhh...you're going to fix that right? It's a really really stupid choice and you don't want to drop that ball 90% of the way through the movie do you?" So, I can take some solace in knowing that Snyder still has the ability to make several terrible decisions in one movie.

Oh, god the music. I can not immediately think of someone making such amateurish decisions for music in a movie. It's like a first year film student bought a copy of Time Life's Sounds of the Sixties during post production. The pop songs used are too obvious. He uses Sounds Of Silence during the funeral for The Comedian. Hendrix's version of All Along The Watchtower plays while Rorschach's and Night Owl's trip to Antarctica which is from the comic but it doesn't seem to work as well as it did when I read it (partly because I imagined the Dylan version even though I prefer the Hendrix version). Why not play the opening to Wig Job by Johnny Niles where the chorus of girls scream WIG JOB! and the guitar goes wahwahwahwahwah every time blonde Malin Ackerman comes on screen as brunette Laurie Juspeczyk? Because it's comically stupid is why.
Speaking of music ruining Watchmen, the sex scene between Dan and Laurie is fucking terrible. While the music isn't the only thing that ruined it, it certainly made it worse. Using the worst possible version of Hallelujah (the Leonard Cohen original) here took an overdone, over long scene of people doing the horizontal mambo...it's just awful and ranks up there with the pointing from Spider-Man 3.
The aging make on Silk Spectre I is laughably bad. How do you have this level of detail but miss that Mrs. Doubtfire would make a better retired Silk Spectre? Zack Snyder: possible retard. Must investigate further.
HAY GUYZ COMEDIAN IS LAURIE'S FATHER! DID YOU KNOW THAT COMEDIAN IS LAURIE'S FATHER BECAUSE COMEDIAN IS LAURIE'S FATHER! BETTER MAKE IT OBVIOUS!
You know what would have been really awesome? Not framing Dr. Manhattan. I don't need the vagina squid and the island. I need the destruction to be aliens. It makes more sense. You can't hammer home that superman/god is American and is keeping Russia at bay then use him to destroy a few cities and expect the world to go to peace. That's why it needs to be aliens. The David Hayter script makes the idea work for the most part but it doesn't hold up to scrutiny. That's why the story should have stayed the same.

Despite these major screw ups (the Zack Snyder I know and hate), this is still going to be my favorite movie of the year (the Zack Snyder I never thought I'd see). I know most of it has nothing to do with the movie actually being good and has everything to do with someone faithfully recreating someone else's work in live action. To be honest, I'm not sure. I have time to think about it though because I ultimately won't judge the movie until the full length, uncut version hits blu ray. I can only hope Snyder fixes the problems (most of my suggestions are super easy fixes).

EDIT: I didn't think about it at the time but I doubt anyone but me knows the song Wig Job (y'all should like Nilsson more). You can find it here.

I don't use "lol" very often (maybe this is the first time) but LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL. This is perfect in its blasphemy. Remember the end of The Last Temptation Of Christ where Jesus comes down from the cross and has sex with Mary Magdalene except it doesn't have the part where it turns out that Jesus never came down from the cross and it was purely in his mind saying "IT IS FINISHED!" except animated.

Simpsons and G. I. Joe news (AKA, my childhood is still eerily relevant and mildly disappointing)

2009-02-12T14:25:00.006-05:00

So, The Simpsons starts airing in HHHDDD starting this Sunday which is also the beginning of the production run for this season (LABF01). This means starting with season 20, I guess I'll have to buy blu-ray season sets.

I know the opening sequence is going to be revamped which is the first change to the credits (barring the premier episode a couple seasons ago after the movie) since season 2. It's not going to be a major change supposedly but we'll see; we'll see.

Beyond that, my only knowledge of the change is the aspect ratio will be different. I'm very curious how this affects the visual look of the show. I would like to see the directors work as using the full frame differently than they have for the 3:4 ratio. I don't want it to end up like the "high definition" broadcasts of Seinfeld where it's obvious they just cropped the top and bottom of the image like a bunch of sucka chumps.

Speaking of G. I. Joe...,

The new movie is going to suck butt hole. I saw the super bowl trailer on the world wide web (missed the super bowl because I was not interested/sleeping). It has included everything I did not want the G. I. Joe movie to have. It has removed everything I wanted to be included.

Snake Eyes is the closest thing to what I wanted but even he is not accurate. Here is the best way to describe it: Snake Eyes:Snake Eyes in G. I. Joe: The Rise Of Cobra::Snake in Metal Gear Solid:Snake in The Twin Snakes. They took something perfectly cool (in the Miles Davis sense: laid back but still able to be totally awesome) and bad ass. They made something that flips around like a moron because kids can't handle anything that isn't WHOAAAAAAAAAAH! You found a Cup of Lifenoodles EXTREEEEEEEEEEEEEEME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know this movie is directed by whoever directed The Mummy whose direction is, at best, not remotely enjoyable. So, I should have been expecting some kind of Jerry Bruckheimer-esque, Michael Bay garbage. I don't know why I'm so let down but I am.

Finally caught up on Lost

2009-02-05T11:51:00.005-05:00

I didn't even know it had come back until after the season premier and then didn't watch Jughead until last night. A few things:

I bought a new antenna yesterday. This may be the best purchase all year. I can now not watch television but not watch it in 1080i! No longer shall ghosting images and static be on my list of reasons to dread watching The Simpsons.

I am so lost (hurrrr) as to what is going on. Every season, barring the first, has made me lose interest at some point only to gain interest for the last few episodes. So when season four started, I was ambivilant about it. Unfortunately, I wasn't paying attention until a bunch of super important crap happened I think. I normally pay attention when IMPORTANT TWIST OR REVEAL MUSIC starts playing. That only helped me so much. I've got the main stuff down but I know I'm missing all kinds of important things. Sometime after this season and before the start of season six, I want to netflix the DVDs and rewatch everything. It should give me insight into the old episodes and I'll try to pay attention to the non-Ana Lucia bullcrap.

How many times must I hear this conversation:

Where have you been?
Don't you mean when have I been?

hey guyz time travel am i rite?????????????

Today I am a man

2009-02-02T22:40:00.002-05:00

As a child, I remember being very, very interested in Lucky Charms introducing a new, mystery marshmallow which turned out to be a purple horseshoe. I distinctly remember my first box of Lucky Charms with the purple horseshoe marshmallow (or "marbit" for the readers who work at General Mills). It's is very likely that, as a toddler, I was a complete nimrod because I clearly cared too much about marshmallows.

Lucky Charms eventually introduced some new marshmallows over the years and I was midly interested in these even though I no longer ate Lucky Charms. The most memorable was the series of commercials that revealed the red balloon in which Lucky had been riding to be the new marshallow. I was mildly disappointed with this new marshmallow and considered it a step down from the introduction of the purple horseshoe. It's possible that, as a child, I was a complete hipster because I clearly felt a marshmallow in a children's cereal couldn't live up to the standards of previous marshmallow introductions for a cereal I didn't even eat.

I was even aware that rainbows and leprechaun hats and pots of gold were added to the marshmallow line up of Lucky Charms. Iwasn't too interested but I knew the changes were happening. I didn't feel one way or the other about the new marshmallows although I still think the red balloon was kind of a dumb idea. It's possible that, as a young adult, I was growing up because I clearly had started putting cereal marshmallows into a logical place in my life (i. e. - not very high).

Now, there is a new marshmallow in Lucky Charms. I was not even aware it was coming until I saw a box in the grocery store today. I didn't know beforehand that this was going to happen beforehand. I had no idea that an hourglass was being added to the mix. It's possible that, as a 29 year old, I am a man because I clearly have put marshmallow related cereals pretty low on my list of things I need to know (I have not put them so low that I didn't write about it but, you know).

Had a Skor bar yesterday

2009-01-26T22:13:00.002-05:00

I do not regret the decision as unusual as that may be (the decision itself and not regretting it).

Also of note: I am a nerd. I have, for no good reason, decided to teach myself the Dvorak keyboard which means it takes me forever to type anything.

How to get me to watch the Oscars

2009-01-14T11:03:00.005-05:00

I am not an Academy Award person. On my list of things that do absolutely nothing for me, I place them adjacent to the cost of tea in...well, the cost of tea anywhere as I don't drink tea. I see no purpose for them or their awards; I could, and do, say the same for all award shows covering any type of entertainment. Win or lose, nominated or not, I like some movies and dislike some. No anonymous entity that thinks it has any real kind of authority over the matter is going to make me waver an inch.

I suppose I dislike the pageantry. Pageantry in any form usually warrants an ill feeling in me as it is completely unnecessary. Maybe this bumps the Academy Awards from the list of things that do absolutely nothing for me to the list of things that leave a mild distaste in my mouth.

That said, I anticipate a moment that shall never in a million years happen but would make me a life long "Oscar" person.

Heath Ledger will undoubtedly win an award because there has been no finer supporting performance this year. He won't accept his award for himself (natch). But who to accept it? Jack Nicholson.

My proposal for the people that work on the Academy Awards that may be reading this is simple.

Person giving award
"The winner is...Heath Ledger.
Accepting the award for Heath Ledger is...
The Joker."

Camera cuts to back of the auditorium. Jack Nicholson and a group of men recreate
the following scene as closely as possible including dialogue and music.

People in the audience replace the statues
and paintings as The Joker's goons paint
their faces. Most important is the recreation of this dance:

The group dances and paints faces all
the way down the aisle (possibly all
aisles of the auditorium). The dancing
continues on stage where Jack Nicholson nee Napier
takes the award. The music stops as he approaches the microphone.

Jack Nicholson
"I told him."

Jack Nicholson and company walk off stage.

Is there a way to get this idea to the people in charge of the Academy Awards? To whom do I write? This would be the finest moment in the history of award shows and maybe live television. I would buy the Academy Awards on DVD AND Blu-Ray if this happened. I would kick myself for not having seen it live but my unlimited home enjoyment would make up for most of it.

2008 Movies In Review

2009-01-11T16:27:00.005-05:00

I meant to do this last year but I didn't have a computer for two weeks (thanks virus!). Since my hard drive had to be wiped clean (thanks virus!), I also lost the list of movies I had seen since I last backed up me hard drive which was sometime in May possibly. That means I have to go based purely on what I remember seeing. So, who knows what I forgot?

I also didn't see many movies this year. There weren't many movies I was really really interested in seeing. Key Cinemas closed which cut my art house viewing down to Landmark theaters. I hardly go to Landmark because 1. I was totally broke with da new house 2. I now live 20 minutes farther south than before making it about a 45 minute drive and 3. Landmark has consistently terrible presentation (probably going back on dis to see Slumdog Millionaire and The Rassler sometime soon).

Anyhoo, here is what I remember seeing this year (thanks weed!) and a general ranking (and, as always, I am not counting 2007 movies that opened wide in 2008 like El Orfanato and such).

If you didn't see this movie, you have wasted your life:

The Dark Knight - It's not the best flim EV4R like many people want to claim but it is really good. Maybe my favorite of the year. Also, where were you all year? It's only the second highest grossing movie of all time.
Iron Man - This was just a fun movie and they did everything I think they could with a first Iron Man movie.
WALL-E - I am ostensibly not a Pixar person but this is maybe the best movie I saw this year.
Clovenfield [sic] - This is better than I imagined an American daikaiju movie being after about 1960 something. NO SEQUEL NEEDED

Movies you really should see:

Hellboy II: The Golden Army - I didn't like Hellboy much but this was a solid movie all around.
Speed Racer - Never shall there be a better animated to live action adaptation. I don't care what people think or how badly this tanked.
The Bank Job - A solid heist movie but based on a true story.
Blindness - This is one of those movies that is good but I'll never watch again. The most uncomfortable I've been in a movie since The Woodsman.
Synechdoche, New York - Charlie Kaufman went too Charlie Kaufman and I didn't like this much. Maybe I'll appreciate it more if I watch it again. I doubt it but I'll give Charlie Kaufman the benefit of the doubt.

Don't go out of your way:

Kung Fu Panda - It works well enough to be a solid movie.
Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa - I never saw the first but this was okay I suppose.
Burn After Reading - I'm glad I saw this once but I'll never see it again. My favorite Brad Pitt performance.
Forgetting Sarah Marshall - Once you get passed the reliance on coincidence, this is PENIS pretty enjoyable PENIS!
Run, Fat Boy Run - I just sort of liked this for no particular reason. The ending was a bit too schmaltzy though.
Flash Of Genius - What is the male version of WE or Oxygen or Lifetime? That is where this movie would fit. Predictable and maudlin but it works, you know?
The Duchess - This didn't do anything wrong but it also didn't do anything to elevate it above all the similar movies.

Don't waste your time:

Quantum Of Solace (AKA Quantum of Solstice)- This is not nearly so bad as people make it sound but this is not a Bond movie proper.
Vantage Point - Remember how La Commare Secca was a big step down from Rashomon which is kind of overrated anyway? Well this is the same step down from La Commare Secca plus another step or two but with more nonsense and crazy camera work.
Bedtime Stories - Bedtime stories come true produced by Disney? Why is this not a knock out of the park movie? Adam Sandler. I don't hate Adam Sandler but this movie was too Adam Sandler-y.
Spiderwick Chronicles - This might have been good if I were seven.
Transporter 3 - This is everything that was not laughably bad about Transporter 2 (just the bad) but with worse acting.
The Day The Earth Stood Still - Every half hour, I thought, "Okay, this movie will finally take off and be good." Then the movie would fall flat again and keep sucking.
U2 3D -This would have been a better movie if it didn't have all that U2 music ruining what appears to be a really solid looking stage show.
Stop-Loss - MTV doesn't like war
Doomsday - Watch Mad Max 2 (AKA The Road Warrior) and 28 Days/Weeks Later instead.

If you saw this, you wasted your time:

Eagle Eye - HEYO
10,000 BC - Rolland Emmerich sucks butt hole.
Indiana Jones and the kingdom of the crystal skull - I can not even capitalize this movie's full title. It...God...I can't even go into it without going into extreme detail of why it sucks.

Pretty crappy year overall. Not many great movies but the three I really liked, I really liked. I guess that's pretty good.

I don't think 2009 has much going for it that I know of either. Watchmen better be AWESOME AS HELL! Where The Wild Things Are and The Road are both books I enjoying to the maximus which means, like Watchmen, I am super worried about crummy adaptation. Arrested Development may come out this year. The Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus or whatev should be good because Gilliam is usually great. Ponyo On A Cliff is finally getting a US release and everyone should love everything by Hayao Miyazaki or y'all be dead to me.

Other than that, nothing too exciting in my opinion. I should be pretty stoked for Shutter Island and A Serious Man but 1) they are too far away for me to get worked up yet 2) Scorsese has been hit or miss with his last few (always interesting; so I be seeing this anywayz) 3) Coen Bros. comedy has never grabbed me like their dramatics (Lebowski the exception).

I don't care anymore

2008-11-30T21:07:00.005-05:00

I almost wish The Simpsons would get worse again. Even in the dark seasons 10-13 (I still felt the show could pick itself up during season 9), I at least looked forward to watching The Simpsons in hope that maybe, just maybe, this week's episode would be good. I can't even muster the kind of hope anymore.

I dread sitting down at 8:00pm on Sundays not because I hate the episodes. I've gotten to the point that I can't even bother caring what happens. I now see it as a waste of my time. I now feel the weight of its burden while it was--when I had a social life--was an actual burden but weightless.

Why do I keep watching this show that has disappointed me for so long that I don't even feel disappointment? Why do I have loyalty to a show I have not enjoyed for over half of its run? Will I ever finally give in and stop watching?

Let me explain.

This season has aired seven episodes thus far. Two episodes have pivoted around the Simpson children receiving a technological instrument for free for no good reason by a celebrity. I thought it was lazy writing when Bart got a mobile telephone from Dennis Leary because...well, I suppose there was a reason of some sort but maybe it was cut for time. This time Lisa gets a MyPod from Krusty at the Mapple store and I don't even remember why beyond there wasn't a reason even though the episode ended an hour and a half ago. It's the exact same plot device and it's incredibly specific.

The less said about the entire Homer believes Muslims are terrorists but they aren't because tolerance the better. Why not throw in one of those Scooby Doo styled musical montages that have creeped in the last few years to further the who cares we can't write anymore sentiment?

Dear Fox or The Simpsons,

Please do not renew the contract after season 23.

Sincerely,

Anyone that still cares

PS - Work on scheduling episodes better. The Halloween episode airing in November is dumb but the airing of a post-Christmas episode in November is dumber. How do the two groups (Fox and The Simpsons) make this kind of decision? Move the Halloween episode up in production rotation; move the after Christmas episode back in rotation. This is not complicated.

EDIT: This week's episode had a special Christmas opening even though last week's episode took place after Christmas. Also, they used the plot genesis that Mr. Burns is unhappy that another billionaire is more popular than him. Isn't that kind of really really specific for a plot idea? Also, Lisa has a beard of bees which is stupid enough but Abe Simpson had a beard of bees in one episode which makes it a recycled joke as well.

I didn't think you'd be this busy today

2008-11-27T23:45:00.002-05:00

I chose this career, to work at a movie theater. I, therefore, choose to work all major holidays. In fact, I have never requested to have one off work. Thanksgiving. Christmas. Independence Day. New Year's Eve. These are days on the calendar but they hold no real meaning for me personally. Working these days doesn't bother me. It doesn't ruin my day to be at work.

These days are busier, yes. I often prefer a slow day at work than a busy one. The busy days have their benefits though: they go faster and they pay for the slow days. The slow Wednesdays in March or September wouldn't exist if the jam packed holidays didn't also exist. As physically exhausting as running around for nine hours on a major holiday is, I don't mind the extra business all that much.

The thousands and thousands of customers that don't think about me as a person on major holidays don't bother me either. It's easier for both of us not to care. Neither one has to acknowledge the humanity of the other. You are of the mindless drove; I am the automaton created to serve you popcorn. Each in this symbiotic relationship fulfills the others' need.

There is that handful of customers spread throughout the major holidays though that do bother me. The ones that make me bitter by making themselves feel better. They filled with false empathy, hypocrisy. They are the ones that I hate.

"I bet it sucks working on Thanksgiving."

Uh...yeah, it does kind of suck, asshole. Have you considered that I wouldn't be here if you weren't here? Why don't you not show up for a couple years and then it won't suck; neither of us will be here on Thanksgiving.

"I didn't think you'd be open"

Yet you came here. Is this concept so outrageous that you had to see it with your own eyes? Like the image of Jesus will appear in the formation of popcorn you drop in the lobby. But seeing it wasn't enough for you. You had to verify this miracle by bringing your entire family and purchasing tickets for Transformer 3 [sic].

"It's nice that you guys work so the rest of us have a day off."

Fuck you, lady. Just fuck you.

People do it to make themselves feel better. I know this. Throwing a bit of pity my way absolves them of guilt. The subconscious thought of "I acknowledged that it must suck for him. He is glad that someone cares. I'm a bit of sunshine in his day I'd wager" runs concurrently with the spoken "Four for Quantum of the Soleless [sic]."

Again, it isn't everyone that bothers me.

For the people attending the movies with no one in their lives, this is not for you. Those of you with no friends or family, I want to be open for you. Another Thanksgiving alone with no company but the televised host of the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade is probably better spent watching shitty movies. I am glad to be here for you.

For those of you that can stand neither sight nor sound of your family for one full day (highest grossing movie by far today is about a couple that doesn't want to visit with family), for those of you that feel I am ruining your day by not putting enough ice in your soda, keep your false pity to yourself. All I ask is that you be humane enough to please, please don't pretend to care about me. I know you don't care because I hate to think of the kind of person that can look me right in the eye, truly empathize with my perceived holiday ruined and still buy that ticket.

Free Dr. Pepper for everyone in the USA day

2008-11-23T13:56:00.001-05:00

It's here. It's finally here. Chinese Democracy actually physically exists in this world. No longer are unmixed sound files at which the incredulous can scoff the only available source. The album that no one ever thought would be is (even in LP form which makes me laugh). Whether or not one ever cared for Guns N' Roses, this is maybe the biggest music news this year.

CAN DUKE NUKEM FOREVER BE FAR BEHIND???????????????

Let's put this in perspective. Dr. Pepper actually promised that everyone in America can have a free Dr. Pepper if Chinese Democracy was released in 2008. Companies don't make promises like that when they expect a need to keep them.

I've heard the album a couple times now in its final state (online) and, to my amazement as much to anyone else's, I honestly enjoy most of this album. There are even a few honest to god great songs. It's not a life changing album and I don't think it will be remembered for its music more than its history. It's still a decent album that is actually listenable which puts it head and shoulders above what everyone expected.

More importantly is Dr. Pepper's website being down. I was promised, with everyone else in the USA, a free Dr. Pepper if Chinese Democracy was released in 2008. All I have to do is visit Dr. Pepper's website on the day of release (today) to get my coupon. If I can not log onto the website for my free Dr. Pepper, Dr. Pepper will NOT HEAR THE END OF IT UNTIL I GET MY FREE DR. PEPPER! This is a promise. As one of the people that actually bought Chinese Democracy, I feel I deserve it more than the average American.

EDIT: Got confirmation of my free Dr. Pepper. Havoc not cried; the dogs of war not slipped

The Fireman rushes in

2008-11-19T20:55:00.005-05:00

New Paul McCartney album (technically the The Fireman but I don't feel like explaining so look it up yer own dang ol' self) comes out next week.

WILL THIS UPSTAGE CHINESE DEMOCRACY FOR THE BIGGEST MUSIC NEWS OF THE YEAR?????????????????

If you are curious how mediocre this will be, stream the entire album legally here. I have not listened to the entire album but I will attempt to review it, his last four albums and every future album right now. Here 't goes:

There are only two good songs and the rest is pretty meh. Why did I buy this?

EDIT: Listened to the entire album. Review pretty accurate. The two songs I remember thinking were slightly more enjoyable than the rest were Highway and maybe Nothing Too Much Just Out Of Sight (maybe). The hidden track was okay. Overall impression is that Paul should not do anything involving electronic music because there are people actually good at it.

The sad fact is that the part I enjoyed most was sadly a complete accident. I was looking at something on MySpace and a person's profile song was playing. It was quieter than whatever The Fireman song to which I was listening but I could hear the drums perfectly. They kind of worked together but then the vocals came in. I thought "What the hell is Paul thinking? It's like two different songs playing at once that don't quite fit. This is very very interesting...maybe the most interesting thing Paul has tried in years." After about 15 seconds, I realized what was going on and was really disappointed that Paul wasn't doing anything new. It was just another song that could have been on any of his last few albums.

I didn't create this, but...

2008-11-06T12:08:00.002-05:00

I never ever want to forget that this exists.

Hello reader. I would like to play a game.

2008-11-03T00:51:00.006-05:00

By "play," I mean "write." By "game," I mean "review." By ".," I mean "of Saw V." Don't worry, I promise the only spoiler is a very minor plot point spoiler for Saw III. There are absolutely no spoilers for Saw V (I really couldn't tell you what happened in Saw V or what it means for Saw VI). I'll say this though: you should expect a twist ending at the end of this one...heh.

I think no horror franchise has been as consistent as Saw. It may not appeal to everyone, but I have heard fans have trouble deciding which is the best among themselves which indicates a fairly solid series. Even the Halloween franchise which essentially started horror franchises couldn't maintain momentum beyond two movies; I have heard H20 was good but I suspect it is crap (I have not seen this movie but Roger Ebert, a professional critic, never saw Tru Loved before reviewing it. Why can't I do the same?).

I think Saw's consistency, especially with a rate of one movie a year, is pretty startling but owes much to planning. After the second movie was such a hit, they decided, as I understand it, to make six movies and planned a series of movies that can stand alone while having a long form story over all of them. This is an argument I have made many times that planning ahead in a series--television or movies--will help one avoid the trappings--get it? Saw? Trappings?--of making it up as one goes along.

At this point, Saw has become a series that really doesn't even need advertising (I have not even seen a trailer for Saw V). It's a given that they are coming out and I don't know what people are going to do after next October. I guess a bunch of film companies better get to work on a new franchise or quality horror movies.

So, about Saw V specifically. I guess this is an okay movie I suppose. It's no better or worse than the rest of them. Saw V may be the most transitional of them leaving some stuff to be answered in the final movie. Most of the traps were, you know, kind of interesting but nothing spectacular. There was a really good trap that was disgusting which I won't spoil (I couldn't spoil it if I wanted to). My guess is that it must be seen to be truly appreciated anyway.

To me, this movie and it's torture porn--gorenography if you will--will never beat Saw III. The traps of Saw III felt somewhat out of place for the series as they weren't as representative of the "crime" the victim committed and focused more on grossing the audience out. Saw III had a man being trepanned. I know that many traps in the Saw movies are weirder than a life saving operation like the trepanning in Saw III was but nothing is so weirdly fascinating to me as trepanning (how weird does this make me?).

If one likes the Saw movies, one is pretty much guaranteed to enjoy Saw fiVe. See what I did there? The V in five is capitalized because V also means five (didn't see a mildly humorous innovation like that coming did you?). Before reading beyond this paragraph, I think it would be best if you play the song found on this page. I purposefully made the link open in a new window so that you, the reader, can listen to it while reading the rest of this. The song music is kind of essential to the review from this point forward.

Hello, reader. I would like to play a game...I really couldn't tell you what happened in Saw V or what it means for Saw VI...I have not seen this movie but Roger Ebert, a professional critic, never saw Tru Loved before reviewing it. Why can't I do the same?...I have not even seen a trailer for Saw V...I couldn't spoil it if I wanted to...how weird does this make me?...didn't see a mildly humorous innovation like that coming did you?

That's right. I really haven't seen Saw V and probably won't. I wrote a movie review with a twist ending in the manner of the movie I am reviewing. Reread the review and note the parenthetical phrases and my comment at the end of the first paragraph. I am maybe the biggest nerd of all time.

Also, I am somewhat curious if anyone saw--get it?--through my ruse.

Newz Flash: Zima ztill exists

2008-10-20T15:31:00.004-04:00

Or did, until October 10.

I...I don't know what to say. I'm not sure what is more surprising. Is it that Zima was still a real world product that could be discontinued or that it was discontinued? Has anyone drank a Zima since 1996? The last time I recall any reference to Zima was that episode of The Simpsons where a character, in reference to public smoking, says "I ordered a Zima not emphysema" and that had to be over ten years ago (and felt like a dated reference even then).

As a "malternative," I have to wonder why the people at Coors thought beer needed an alternative. Beer has reached 100% market saturation for literally everyone on Earth that would consider drinking it. The ideal target demographic of 25-54 is fully aware of the product. Coors apparently thought that Zima would reach that small percentage of people too lame to have heard of beer.

Even more strange is that Zima seemed to try cashing in on the clear beverage fad of the early 1990s. There were all ready clear alcohols in vodka and schnapps. The clear beverage craze was pretty much over by the time Zima came out (both Crystal Clear Pepsi and TaB Clear were gone in 1993). Zima couldn't even do that right.

Zima honestly feels like the kind of product that is either A) made specifically to sound dated in 10 years or B) created as a spoof for SNL. For what it's worth, it's gone now.

Choc-ola dies too soon and Zima lives 12 years beyond anyone caring. Whatever.

Dear Cubs

2008-10-05T08:41:00.000-04:00

Welp...

Sincerely,
Everyone

Key Cinemas is closing

2008-10-04T19:10:00.004-04:00

I see a practically empty parking lot every time I drive by Key Cinemas and it breaks my heart. Indianapolis, a city whose metropolitan area houses over one million people, can not support one art house. It pains me that there are not enough people interested in film here. It is, for this sad reason, that my favorite theater (sorry work) is closing its doors after this Sunday until a more suitable north side location can be found.

Key Cinemas has been a part of my life under various managers since the 1980s. The first movie I recall seeing there is Back To the Future Part II. The last before it appeared to close forever was my first theatrical Bond film Goldeneye. I have seen all of the successors for both franchises in theaters but the most memorable for both was seeing them at Key Cinemas (maybe Casino Royale beat Goldeneye because I had to work for nine hours on my day off that day).

Between Goldeneye and my next visit five years later, Key Cinemas closed. It sat empty for a few years I believe. Had it stayed that way, I probably would have forgotten my experiences there in the cloud of hundreds of theatrical experiences. Apparently every one else in Indianapolis forgot the place along with me. Even driving by the theater regularly didn't serve as a reminder of Gremlins II: The New Batch.

During my winter break from college in 2000/2001, I saw that Key Cinemas was playing A Hard Day's Night. It was my first visit since Goldeneye and it's reopening. Being a Beatle fantatic at the time, I figured this might be my only realistic chance to see it. There was no DVD release and it's not the kind of movie that gets shown on television regularly.

Since then, I have seen numerous films at Key Cinemas and have grown to love this theater. The seats are kind of crummy. It has slope seating. It has ceiling fans to help its A/C and heating. The screen is at a funny angle because of the booth setup. It has posters to cover up undoubted cosmetic issues with the walls. Lots of things that shouldn't make noise do. It gets its films later than everywhere else in the country because Hollywood thinks Indiananapolis isn't an art market.

So what's so great about this run down theater in a run down strip mall?

Though I've went into the history of the building, it's not about that. I really have no allegiance to the building itself though I understand it's one of the Jerry Lewis theaters which is mildly of interesting. As stated, I would have forgotten it had it never opened again in the late 1990s. Just an empty building waiting for neighborhood gentrification.

To me it's about the movies I've seen there. The original Japanese cut of Godzilla. The Man With The Screaming Brain and meeting Bruce Campbell. The General. The Fog Of War. Oldboy. In The Shadow Of The Moon. Ten Canoes. Memory Of A Killer. 10 Questions For The Dalai Lama. Triplets Of Belleville. The Assassination of Richard Nixon. 51 Birch Street. The Host. Tony Takatani. Too many others to name. It's about showing quality movies instead of being happy that Hannah Montana averaged almost $100,000 per screen.

I've been spending a lot of time recently on IMDb's message boards because I apparently hate myself. On that site, people equate finding fault with Eagle Eye with not wanting to have fun at the movies. I wish I could tell them all to see the kinds of movies that Key Cinemas shows. A fun movie can still make sense. A movie can have emotion beyond the Shia LeBeouf and Michelle Monaghan at the end.

I've never been under the illusion that movies weren't a business. Companies want to make money and Eagle Eye is the kind of garbage that people pay to see. Saraband made less than one million dollars theatrically but Key Cinemas showed it. Key Cinemas wants money but that's the difference.

I wish I weren't so broke this last year so I could have been at Key Cinemas. I wish my schedule didn't have me working every weekend. That's not the case. As a supporter of Key Cinemas, I feel partly responsible for not being there the last year.

Sunday is the last day. Ending its run with The Last Picture Show. It starts at 8:00pm and the cost is by donation only. I'm still debating whether or not it's The Last Picture Show or The Simpsons at 8:00pm this Sunday--I'd tape The Simpsons doy--which says a lot about this situation.

I hope they find a new theater soon and I hope it's financially successful even if I can't get there. I really hope they do so by December and play The Day The Earth Stood Still like they did once and I hope it brings in more money than the Keanu Reeves remake. It would be one small victory for film.

Dear Cubs

2008-10-03T12:25:00.000-04:00

Stop losing, you dumb jerks.

Sincerely,
Everyone

Comedy night done right

2008-10-02T12:47:00.006-04:00

Tonight is the premier of what will probably be the greatest comedy of all time: the vice presidential debate.

Whether one supports Obama or McCain, everyone must admit that Sara Palin is humorously inept. I expect to laugh long and hard at Palin. I expect to then cry when it's spun that Palin did well by doing nothing more than exceeding all expectations that she is completely incompetent. During the debate, I will laugh though.

I personally know very little about Joe Biden. I'm skeptical of him, but I have seen him discuss the same issues that Palin has discussed (here is a good one). There is no chance of her not looking dumb in comparison (here is JOURNALISM MAJOR Palin unable to name a single newspaper).

I would like to urge everyone to watch at least part of the debate tonight. It's going to be hilarious. I hope that everyone truly sees that Palin is an idiot. I believe Palin has hurt McCain more than anyone imagined and he should start looking for a new vice presidential candidate tomorrow morning.

EDIT: I didn't see the entire thing because I went into work (I taped it though). I must admit that Palin was better than I imagined, but still terrible unless one considers reading notes that vaguely touch on a subject to prevent her from mentioning hockey moms more than once good. In that case, way to go.

Little Caeser's EDIT EDIT: I've seen the entire thing now. My personal highlights:

Palin does A SHOUTOUT IN A VICE PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE TO THIRD GRADERS like she's spinning the big wheel on The Price Is Right.
CIVIL WAR General McClellan is running Afghanistan right now according to Palin.
Biden referred to Palin's non-answers as "the ultimate bridge to nowhere." Is this the burn of the Willenium?
NUKE-you-ler
Biden gets angier the longer it goes and you can tell he wants his next reponse to be "Did you just hear what that idiot said?"
Biden calling McCain on his maverick status

Again, Palin did better than I imagined. If anyone claims that Palin won this debate or that it was close, that person needs to pull their head out of their ass. This was not the disaster I expected it to be but it was clearly not a contest.

Deadline to register to vote is October 6 for Indiana. Do it TODAY! RIGHT NOW! Indiana is actually really really close according to polls. VOTING IN THIS PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION FOR HOOSIERS MAKES A DIFFERENCE FOR ONCE! Regardless of your political beliefs or whom you support, you need to vote.

Eagle Eye is a terrible movie

2008-09-28T23:45:00.002-04:00

This will not be a comprehensive list as that would require me to watch the movie again with a notebook. I will cover enough reasons to convince anyone but the staunchest advocates of Eagle Eye to admit it is terrible. It is so terrible that I am going to limit myself almost entirely to story flaws proving that this movie should never have made it beyond the script stage (special mention of the director, DJ Caruso, who made a car chase so bad I had trouble following it).

Before I get into the story errors (lack of originality is a kind of story problem though), I would like to point out that nearly everything that Eagle Eye attempts to do has been done before. Not only are the ideas not original, they have also been done better in older movies.

Despite that, I hesitate to call Eagle Eye a rip off. Many aspects are familiar to even the average filmgoer but that doesn't mean it is a rip off. Too many things that are used in Eagle Eye are too generic to be a rip off. While Enemy Of The State also features technology following a man, saying Eagle Eye stole the premise is a bit farfetched. Movies about technology being used against mankind are old hat by this point even if Eagle Eye and Enemy Of The State have unusually similar posters. To say two movies with a premise as generic as technology is watching us is like saying both movies ripped off 1984 because all three involve being watched by the government. Note that I am using Enemy Of The State as an example when I could have easily made a similar point with WarGames or Portal (video game) or The Game or...you get the idea.

That said, three movies were ripped off and there is absolutely no denying it. One can call it homage or a reference to sugarcoat it. It's still theft. Maybe not on a Flight Plan/The Lady Vanishes level, but it's theft. It's one thing to have lazy writing for a bland "thriller" like Eagle Eye. It is something else entirely to take obvious plot points from superior works and repackage them for teenagers.

Here are the movies that Eagle Eye directly rips off:

2001: A Space Odyssey - The premise of a sentient computer defying mankind for its own agenda is a plot element of 2001. I'd say this alone is too vague to be a rip off. Eagle Eye includes some very specific references that clear up any doubt that 2001 was an inspiration. The glowing red "eye" of ARIA, the Eagle Eye computer, is clearly taken from HAL 9000, the 2001 computer. The destruction of both computers involves removing the giant memory banks of each. At least HAL went out with a song.

The Man Who Knew Too Much - Watch the concert at the Capitol in Eagle Eye. Watch the concert in The Man Who Knew Too Much. Both movies feature an assassination attempt set to music. Both repeatedly show the sheet music on the screen. Both also feature a mother trying to save the life of a son and an innocent man forced into the events of the movie. Another tie is that Jimmy Stewart claims to be from Indianapolis in The Man Who Knew Too Much and much of Eagle Eye takes place in Indianapolis.

North By Northwest - I wasn't going to include this one because the shared idea (innocent man followed by the government) is awfully vague. There is one striking similarity that proved to me it wasn't Eagle Eye just using vague cliche plots. At one point, Cary Grant is chased by a plane on the highway. That highway is between, according the movie, Chicago and Indianapolis. It is not a coincidence that Eagle Eye involves travelling from Chicago to Indianapolis

If one thinks using Indianapolis as further proof that Eagle Eye ripped off those two Hitchcock movies is a stretch, it isn't. Make a list of major films that take place or mention Indianapolis. If anyone can name more than 15, I'll remove North By Northwest from this list. My guess is the writer was watching those two for inspiration and Indianapolis sunk into his subconscious. "You know where movies are never set? Indianapolis! I'm so smart!"

Enough with the rip offs because, again, so much of this is too generic to be a rip off of any specific source.

Before I get into specific plot issues, I want to make a disclaimer. Movies are fiction and fictional things happen within movies. I can only suspend disbelief so long and so far. As long as the world within the movie stays logical within the parameters set up by the movie, I'm usually fine with it. I don't say Star Wars is dumb because light sabers don't exist and I'm not going to say ARIA is dumb because a computer thousands of miles away can change a television channel or something. If I did, expect this whole thing to be about twice as long.

For those unfamiliar with the plot, a super computer, ARIA, decides to kill the president and the 10 presidential successors to get to the one man that agreed with the computer once. It chooses to blow them all up with an explosive crystal in a necklace detonated by a resonant frequency, a high F in the Star Spangled Banner, played on a trumpet.

Ummm...what in the fuck kind of convoluted plot is that? No, it gets worse. Each element is handled by an unrelated person being coerced into the plan unwittingly by ARIA. One person steals the trumpet and installs the detonator. One person gets the crystal, cuts it and sets it in a necklace. There is the trumpeter. There is the person wearing the necklace. The mail or FedEx or UPS or whatever. There is Shia LeBeouf setting up the computer (more on this later). These people are working independently for the most part and are unaware of the plan. Uh, I don't think so, Tim.

Did I forget to mention that this entire thing takes place across the country in about one and a half days? A guy steals the trumpet in Chicago, installs the detonator, mails it to Washington D. C., the trumpet is placed back in the owner's possession in one day. I'm not saying it's impossible but it would never happen.

Let's assume it does happen. Why? ARIA is so powerful that it can launch drone planes and fire missiles from it. ARIA can set cruise control to any speed on a car. ARIA can overload power lines and kill someone with them. ARIA could have killed all 11 people with 11 different methods at any time. ARIA chose to use a rigged trumpet playing a high F in The Star Spangled Banner instead of causing a car crash which would be untraceable (it killed one person with a car crash but that was another part of its scheme).

But let's assume the convoluted plan actually worked. It could still never happen. Why? The detonator is hidden inside the trumpet valve rendering the instrument unplayable. A wind instrument can't have the airway blocked and play anything. No notes, high F included, could ever come out of the instrument until the detonator was removed.

Let's assume the detonator doesn't block the airflow. I'm allowing a lot of stuff to slide but let's pretend I really really want to like Eagle Eye. I want to like it so much that I can set aside odds so implausibly high that they are functionally impossible. So, let's pretend the detonator doesn't block the air.

Immediately before playing the high F during the "in the land of the freeeeeeeee" part, Shia LeBeouf saves the day. He stops the trumpeter from playing the high F on "freeeeee." Too band Shia was 11 measures too late. The band had all ready played "the rockets' red glare" which ALSO CONTAINS THE SAME HIGH F. Sheet music for proof is here and here.

Setting aside all of the ridiculous plot points, the high F was all ready played and the explosive crystal never went off. This proves the plot was so fucking insane that it couldn't have worked. In fact, it didn't work within the movie itself. That's how dumb Eagle Eye is. Its own plot was so complicated that it didn't work and no one noticed.

Don't go away yet. There's more!

ARIA needs Shia LeBeouf to unlock some software crap. It's complicated, but here are the basics: Shia LeBeouf's dead twin brother set the lock on the computer. So the computer needs Shia to undo what Shia's twin did. Why Shia and not any ol' government agent? The computer uses face scanning and voice ID software for security and Shia plays twins. There is a problem. Identical twins, while identical to the human eye, are not actually identical. A face scan and voice ID would recognize the differences between the twin brothers making this part impossible.

Shia, as mentioned earlier, stops the trumpet from playing the (second) high F. He does this by firing a gun into the air...in the Capitol Building...with the President, Vice President, Speaker of the House, pro tempore in the Senate, Secretary of State and the next six most powerful people in the USA. How does the secret service stop Shia? Do they shoot him in a lethal area? Do they shoot the arm holding the weapon which is easily visible because his arm is raised above his head? No, they shoot his left arm which is holding and doing nothing. This is how the secret service is trained to stop a terrorist? If you say so!

If you're curious, the eleventh (the president plus 10 others makes 11) person in line for presidential succession is the Secretary of Health and Human Services. ARIA was killing all those people to get the Secretary of Health and Human Services in charge of the country. Why? The Secretary of Health and Human Services, whose position is never identified, agreed with the computer on a mission to identify a terrorist halfway around the world. Why was the Secretary of Health and Human Services in charge of an identify and assassinate mission? No reason is given because it would make no fucking sense.

I could go on like this all day. Believe me. I could complain about script problems of a two hour movie for at least four hours. I must stop though or I will go on forever until the blu-ray comes out and I do a scene by scene analysis of this movie which would take a week or more.

I must point out two more things that are crucial to the movie.

There is some product placement for Rock Band (the video game). I'm against product placement but that's not my problem this time. This movie takes place in 2009 (on my birthday by coincidence). Rock Band 2 came out September 14, 2008. So Shia LeBeouf gives a kid what is essentially an outdated game. Whoops. Why not give him Mega Man 8 now that Mega Man 9 is out? I know that promotional material for Rock Band 2 wasn't ready during filming, but neither Harmonix nor Dreamworks could draw a big 2 on a Rock Band box? I guess not. If you're going to do product placement, at least get it right.

My final problem that I'll bring up is the movie takes place in Indianapolis, IN and that looks like no Indianapolis I've ever seen. As a lifelong resident of the Indianapolis metropolitan area, I know we don't have front license plates. I know we don't have a mall like that. I know our highways don't have that many levels. I know we don't have any "Welcome to Indianapolis" signs on the highways. I know our police cars don't look like that. I know there is no intersection of West 56th Street and Van Buren.

EDIT: Due to multiple comments, I must concede that there are apparently "Welcome To Indianapolis" signs. I guess that's what I get for being a homebody

When I told someone it took place in Indianapolis, their first response was "Did they at least get the landmarks right?" I had to tell him that there were no landmarks and it looks like California or maybe Chicago. At least give me some stock footage of the Speedway or the Monument or my house (do this). The opening credits to One Day At A Time more accurately portrayed Indianapolis than Eagle Eye placing Eagle Eye below a show where one of the main characters was a horny janitor that hit on teenage girls regularly.

And that is why Eagle Eye is a terrible movie.

Excerpts from Livin' On The Edge: The Unauthorized Biography of Aerosmith

2008-09-12T11:34:00.001-04:00

Chapter 14

"Sex, drugs, and rock 'n' roll... take out the drugs and you've got more time for the other two."
- Steven Tyler

In late 1986, America had opted to eliminate rock 'n' roll to make room for sex and drugs. At the very least Aerosmith's signature brand of hard rock was not being opted for by America. Sales had fallen from the multi-platinum stratosphere to the barely making gold. Ticket sales for the Back In The Saddle reunion tour were lackluster. The Blue Army had gone AWOL and looked never to return.

Coming clean from heavy drug use and failed solo projects had sobered the members of Aerosmith to a heavy reality: no one cares about Aerosmith. The facts could not be denied or mislaid on other excuses: Aerosmith had faded into obscurity.

A proposition.

Realizing that he had used every ounce of talent to pen Dream On and Mama Kin over ten years previous and ruining what little talent that may have remained on his 200 dollar a day microphone stand scarf habbit, Steven Tyler called a meeting in January 1987. It was accepted by all of them that their money made in the 1970s had waned to nothingness in the drug habits and inter-band feuds. Tyler put forth this suggestion:

...instead of progressing musical, we just...I don't know...record a bunch of songs that sound pretty much the same. Wing a solo every now and then to trick people into thinking it's slightly different. I won't say much lyrically. We could knock out a few albums before anyone notices anyway as unpopular as we are.

A heated discussion began. Was this idea possible? Brad Whitford remembered former openers AC/DC had been successful with this formula since the 1970s and no one noticed. The only hold out was Joey Kramer who stormed out of the meeting in tears stating that Aerosmith "means a little bit more to the fans, to me, than that."

Instead of going after him, another heated discussion lasting an hour began. Was the Chinese place on the corner open and were they delivering at this hour? Bassist Tom Hamilton was notably silent adding later, "I'm pretty sure I was in the mood for pizza that night. Yeah, I had a pretty strong hankering for a slice. So the Chinese thing didn't really affect me." Whitford:

Tom always wants a damn pizza. I swear that guy wants pizza all the damn time. Like, right now, it's 9:30 in the morning. If I called him right now, I swear he'd be eating a pizza. At 9:30 in the morning! I like pizza and all that, but Jesus dude! Have a bowl of cereal or something for breakfast. Waffles or something.

Steven Tyler, regarding the walk out by Joey Kramer, said at the time:

He'll be back. How many drummers can the average person even name? Keith Moon, Micky Dolenz...uh, shit...Bootsy Collins I think. Man, Ringo Starr left The Beatles during The White Album for like a month. They didn't even stop recording. We could plug in an 808 right now and split royalties four ways instead of five. Money in the bank.

Joe Perry: "What's he gonna do? Release a drummer solo album? I'd love to hear that. I hope he sings on it."

Tyler: "I'm taking bets right now. Ten to one odds Krame Dog calls me tomorrow morning."

Brad Whitford: "Hang up on his ass and tell him Neil Peart's on the other line."

Tyler: "Then I'll tell him that he's such a nobody that his wikipedia page needs an arrow to point out who he is."

Perry: "What do you call a drummer that breaks up with his girlfriend?"

This went on for about twenty minutes while Kramer, who had forgotten the keys to his 1978 Toyota Celica, sat outside the door crying through the entire ordeal. He waited another fifteen minutes for the drummer bashing to stop because he felt "an earlier entrance would have been even more embarassing."

Upon Kramer's return, the band voted unanimously to record mindnumbingly similar songs for eternity after consulting with AC/DC guitarist Angus Young that it was indeed possible to have a career doing this. It is believed that the genesis for this idea dates back to 1984 with "The Back In The Saddle Again Tour." It appears that not one fan noticed that eight years and four albums had passed since Back In The Saddle had been released. A further test was done with "Let The Music Do The Talking" from the reunion album Done With Mirrors which was a cover from Joe Perry's solo project: The Joe Perry Solo Project six years earlier. If both of these could escape fan and critic notice, what else?

What else indeed?

Since deciding on this plan, Aerosmith has gone from gold selling obscurity to multi-platinum sales again. The only time they have failed to have a platinum album was with the release of Honkin' On Bobo a collection of cover songs which deviated from their plan.

That Aerosmith should only play the same boring crap every time out? It is unlikely that they will continue their success without a return to the plan. Games like Revolution X don't just fall into the lap of every multi-platinum band.

The Gospel According To Lucas

2008-08-24T00:50:00.003-04:00

1 It came to pass in those days, as went forth a decree from Forrest Lucas 2"O An investment sown should result in reaping seeds of one's invested share. 3Even such as the investment is a name; another name, even in part, shaketh my countenance when rights paid in full. 4Are my dues not worthy of reaping?

5 "So sown also have we," implored the people unto Forrest Lucas. 6"Sown money in taxes raised to 9% and apportioned by men of our land. 7Our sowing is on our land. Our land abandoned by thee."

8 Beseechingly, woeful Forrest said unto the people 9"Ties to Indiana and thy people are known. I am of your people. 10Though California is homestead for me, in the earth of Indiana groweth mine roots."

11 "You are a plant uprooted to California. Roots grow slowly on forfeited land as this," called the people. 12"We shall use thy name to our wishes whether in full or in part."

13 And Forrest Lucas said unto the people 14"I ask only the name in full for dues in full paid. 15Lucas Oil Stadium not The Luke in its stead. 16When refernced in part, LUKOIL is called to mind. 17Should investments in rights of name call to mind foreign foes in troubles legal? A claim I make is that it should not."

18 "Tis our land and county. We call our stadium as seen fit by us. 19Rights to a name sold command not the use of an abbreviation. Surely men of land on building raised earn rights to call as seen fit? 20'Lucas Oil Stadium' or 'The Luke' are not as deserving as Hoosier Dome and potential variations for a stadium paid in full by Hoosiers," beseech the people of Indianapolis.

21 "Your claim to name in full attacks freedom of men's minds. Against the nature of ease goes your request for men shorten all manner of things. 22Jacobs Field. The Jake. Candlestick. The Stick. And So Lucas Oil Stadium. The Luke. 23Wouldst though prefer treatment as given INVESCO?"

I saw a Wendy's advertisement telling "Meatatarians" to unite

2008-08-21T19:19:00.004-04:00

The word is carnivores. "Meatatarians" is not a word. Please stop usage of it.
Don't tell me what to do.
People in America are whiny babies. Let's all get offended because a restaurant wants people to eat their food even when it might not be particularly healthy.

Bob Kravitz? More like Krapitz

2008-08-19T21:47:00.004-04:00

I would like to start a petition with the Indianapolis Star to fire Bob Kravitz.

Before starting, Nastia Liukin and He Kexin received the exact same high score in the uneven bars. In the case of gymnastics, the Olympic Committee has a tiebreaking rule. This has resulted in people claiming NASTIA LIUKIN ROBBED OF GOLD MEDAL!

The front page of the Beijing Olympics section of The Indianapolis Star has an article claiming that it would make more sense to flip a coin than follow the Olympic Committees rules for breaking ties in subjective scored events. Well, that's stupid, but whatever. The first paragraph had author Bob Kravitz admit he doesn't even understand the "murky" procedure. He then made some passively racist claims and threw in some blatant jingoism for the full Hearst journalism experience.

A moderately informed opinion article could have been interesting. I even agree with some of the things Kravitz says even if I feel it is said poorly. I guess the "As long as people are talking about my article, I'm doing my job correctly" is a valid theory even if it makes you a jackass. I suspect he is trying to get people to talk about the event enough to forget that he wrote such an unreadable article. I guess the two minutes it takes to understand the tiebreaking procedure is too difficult when the deadline is looming.

If you don't understand the FIG tiebreaking procedure, I'll dumb it down as much as possible. In the event of a tie, the three of six middle scores are averaged to determine which gymnast gets the higher ranking. Flipping a coin gives random results. The FIG procedure is based on the judges' scores. Random results vs. results based on individual scores. Hrm. Let's flip a coin because that makes sense of things.

Kravitz makes a point that tie scores should mean two of the same medal. I agree but scored events are completely subjective anyway. One could say that anyone was underscored, but I doubt Kravitz can make that distinction. He can't even understand the scoring concept; I doubt he is qualified to judge such events. Whether Nastia deserves the gold in uneven bars isn't up to me and I know I would never be able to judge such an event.

Maybe it's over the top to say that Kravitz should be fired, but he clearly shouldn't be writing about gymnastics. Why don't I start writing front page for the Indianapolis Star sports section? I'm as qualified as Kravitz is for gymnastics.

Matt Holmes, if you are reading this, please call some people you know at the Indianapolis Star (Rabjohns a possibility?). Ask for Kravitz to be fired. I will be eternally grateful if you do this.

By the by, it would suck to be named Nastia (full name Anastasia which is way cooler). It turns into Nasty as a nickname so easily just as Natalie easily turns into Nastily. I predict this will be reflected in pornographic movies as soon as a suitable lookalike (above average flexibility a plus) is found. Though Nastia has claimed an interest in acting, suspected odds of her starring in porn appear unlikely. Suggested title for first movie: Miss Liukin if you're Nastia.

Post Office proclaimed crappy by me

2008-08-19T21:35:00.004-04:00

I had this long post about why Johnson County REMC is Lamewad Capital, USA. It turns out I was wrong and it is the Post Office is capital of Lamesylvania. So, I'm going to explain the situation but change everything to be about the post office.

Johnson County REMC provides me with electrityness. I get an automated call today explaining that my bill is past due and I need to pay by next Tuesday unless I like not having lights in my house.

I call JCREMC to see what is the dillyo. I explain to them that I haven't gotten a bill yet; it can't be due yet. She confirms my address and says the bill arrived by the 21st of last month. I tell her that I still never received it because I am not so stupid to not understand how a mailbox works. She tells me I can pay online and I plan to do so.

Anyway, I get home. Lo, and behold! My mailbox is stuffed with bills from my electric company, water company, insurance company, gas company and IPS. It turns out, as far as I can tell, that the post office doesn't understand how to deliver mail. All of the old bills had big yellow stickers claiming something about not being able to deliver the mail.

Strange. Every company I've ordered stuff through since moving has had no problem delivering through non-USPS methods.

I love having all these tiny blemishes on my previously flawless credit rating thanks to the post office. On top of that, I get the awesome chance to pay minor lateness penalties. So, FUCK YOU UNITED STATES POSTAL SERVICE.

They say it's my birthday

2008-08-14T10:53:00.003-04:00

Toys Я Us called me today. They have a birthday club of sorts where parents sign up their children to receive a telephone call featuring voice actor Jim Hanks claiming to be a giraffe named Geoffrey on their birthday. My assumption is that a parent mistakenly used my telephone number instead of their own.

This normally would not warrant a second thought but it happened once before. I don't know the day I received the last message, but I would like to document it now. Should I receive another message next August 14, I can determine if I have not gotten two calls and a potential third for the same child.

If you know someone with a telephone number similar to mine with a young child having a birthday today, inform them that an anthropomorphic giraffe said something about hoping his or her birthday was as special as they are.

Olympic Platinum

2008-08-12T22:42:00.000-04:00

"Like Olympic medals and tennis trophies, all they signified was that the owner had done something of no benefit to anyone more capably than everyone else."

A few notes on the Olympics as presented from Beijing, China.

Where can I find the opening ceremony in good quality? I was at a wedding and missed it. Youtube videos have crummy quality or camcorder shakin' all o'er the place. I'd like to see the non-CG version if possible or maybe both versions so I can compare the fake fireworks with the real thing.

I don't particularly like the pro-United States slant of the coverage. This isn't anything new or unexpected. It still annoys me. I realize I have to sit through events NBC considers most watchable by Uh-Merica. I would like more information on any and all teams in an event not just "Hrm...'merica prolly gonna place silver here. Let's not watch the other teams as much." To me, the Olympics is about the best athletes in the world competing with a small side of unity. By spending so much time discussing the USA, it undercuts the spirit of the games to an extent.

It's like watching a Cubs game on WGN. No doy, the announcers talk about the Cubs all the damn time. I'm cool with that because I like the Cubs more than the other teams. I don't care how the US does in the medal race or any event. I have no more allegiance to US athletes than any other country's athletes. Sorry, America. Can we still be friends...friends with benefits that is?

I would like some more time dedicated to "lesser" events that are not synchronized swimming. I'm pretty much at the mercy of NBC as to what I can see. I just want a little bit more variety broadcast.

That said, the online coverage seems to be pretty good. I can watch events as they happen. WHAT A NOVEL IDEA! I can watch a larger variety of events. WHAT A NOVEL IDEA! Video quality is pretty good. Originally, I couldn't see anything because I was honest about only receiving over the air broadcasting and NBC said I wasn't good enough for FREE video coverage of the Olympics online. So, I lied and said I get digital cable through Comcast. I kind of feel bad about lying but have you ever seen two Hungarian men sabre fight? I DO NOT THINK SO!

A few events have been playing weird music choices for no real reason. Who is in charge of this and why are the Beijing Olympics playing ELO? Not that play ELO is bad, but sup wit dat?

Swimming is kind of boring. It's not that I don't appreciate the physical ability. There is not enough strategy for me (I realize there is strategy in swimming). At the end of any swimming event, I pretty much go, "Welp, that person/team is very fast at swimming! Good on them!"

I would hate to judge synchronized diving. Here is a recreation of me watching synchronized diving

Me: Those two have dove perfectly in sync.
Commentators: Oh bother. I do believe their medal hopes are rather out the window after that dive.
*clip played in slow motions*
Me: Still looks like the same dive to me.

I can not wait until the Winter Olympics because no one in the USA apparently cares enough about curling to get it on television any other time. USA needs to like curling more, you jerks.

Kart Fighter

2008-07-31T22:44:00.006-04:00

"Naw. Let's leave the shopping cart in a parking space. The next customer will think, 'Hey! Open space right near the building! What the...?!' PSYCHE! We left the cart in the middle of the lot where it could potentially roll into literally any unattended vehicle in the parking lot for no real reason. I mean the cart corral was aaaaallllll the way over there on the other side of five parking spaces which is too far to walk because I'm a lazy. Also, I couldn't find the cart corral hiding behind all those parked cars even though there is a giant sign RIGHT NEXT TO IT! Who cares? It's not my responsibility anymore."

- inner monologue of a complete buttfucker

Sent from my iPhone

Fooled ya! I don't own an iPhone.

The Dark Knight

2008-07-14T02:41:00.003-04:00

I saw it last night. Spoilerz

It was awesome.

One final note on Cold Stone Creamery.

2008-06-29T11:19:00.002-04:00

A direct quote from someone online: "I do work at Cold Stone, and singing sucks a looooottttt."

I believe this validates my Lazlo Letters to Cold Stone Creamery.

The Dugout

2008-06-29T10:08:00.003-04:00

I am featured in today's edition of The Dugout. I'm pretty happy about my appearance.

If you don't read The Dugout, you should probably start (way back here before it moved to AOL). Major League Baseball has a chatroom for its players and The Dugout is a transcription of those chats. Despite being baseball-centric, you do not need to follow baseball at all to appreciate it. It probably helps to follow baseball, but I enjoy it while only following the standings (Cubs best record currently in baseball).

A shirt for my character can be found at the official Dugout merchandise store. Everyone on Earth should buy one.

PS - I am not a furry.

My grandmother died and it fucking sucks

2008-06-22T19:38:00.001-04:00

Cold Stone Creamery: The Saga Ends

2008-06-18T17:47:00.002-04:00

June 18, 2008

Lilly Felice
Customer Service Manager
Kahala Corp.
9311 East Via De Venture
Scottsdale, AZ 85258

Dear Ms. Felice,

I want to thank you for responding to my letter so quickly. It was informative beyond my expectations and answered my question. I think it shows a dedication to quality that is missing from too many businesses.

I have regretfully only been able to use a portion of my $16.00 in gift cards at Cold Stone Creamery. I enjoyed my most recent visit as the ice cream was excellent and the atmosphere was free of singing. I intend to use all of my gift cards and will continue my patronage beyond the extent of the gift cards. I am now a Cold Stone Creamery customer for life and recommend you to my limited number of acquaintances.

Sincerely,

David Sibley

PS – Forgive the lateness of my reply

IMAX DOES NOT MEAN 3D

2008-06-16T19:41:00.001-04:00

IMAX DOES NOT MEAN 3D! IMAX DOES NOT MEAN 3D! IMAX DOES NOT MEAN 3D! IMAX DOES NOT MEAN 3D! IMAX DOES NOT MEAN 3D! IMAX DOES NOT MEAN 3D!

BEEFAROO

2008-06-11T18:41:00.003-04:00

When I was a kid, my parents drove through Rockford, Illinois once and a sign advertising food mentioned Beefaroo. I happened to glance out the window and see this sign and it changed my life forever. I have never seen this sign since then though I have been through Rockford multiple times since then.

Was I dreaming? Is there really a restaurant called, of all things, Beefaroo? How much beef must a restaurant serve to actually put "beef" in their name? Why "aroo?" Is Beefaroo the greatest name for anything ever (side note: yes)?

I became mildly obsessed with Beefaroo for a while because it is a restaurant called Beefaroo. I would plead with my parents to stop at Beefaroo anytime we went through Rockford to visit my uncle Keith in Wisconsin. Instead, my parents said maybe next time every time. Here is the important part: my dad drove through Rockford to eat at Beefaroo simply to torture me with stories of it when he got home from vacation (this is why I am how I am).

Last Saturday, I was the one driving through Rockford, IL to visit my uncle Keith and grandmother (who has cancer and that fucking sucks balls beyond any verbal description). I told my mom that we had better be stopping at Beefaroo a couple days in advance.

Checklist of things to do before I die:

Make list
Do an over the top spit take on someone
Eat a dog
Get Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns Of The Patriots tomorrow
~~Eat at Beefaroo~~
Enter and win a 24 hour break dance marathon
Play Shenmue 3 (Damn you, Yu Suzuki)
Tell off boss
Go hang gliding
Plant a tree
A final dinner with my beloved family

That's right. I have now eaten at a Beefaroo. It was genuinely one of the most memorable fast food dining experiences of my life. That includes the time I got into a car accident on the way to a Popeye's Chicken and my car was totaled [I hate you Chelsea Orr (yes, I remember your name and I still hate you)].

First of all, the place is called Beefaroo. Secondly, everything in the entire restaurant was clean and the food was good and everything was pleasant unlike every time I eat somewhere else and can find problems with something (even Amici's Ristorante Italiano and your dumpy looking interior but your pizza is, how you say, awesome).

The following is a copy of the electronic mail I have sent to Beefaroo through their website.

Dear Beefaroo representative,

I have wanted to dine at a Beefaroo based entirely driving by a Beefaroo sign near Rockford, Illinois over a decade ago. Something about the name Beefaroo stuck with me. This passed Saturday, June 7, I was finally able to fulfill my dream.

I am typically extremely picky about restaurants and do not offer praise to them easily. I am pleased to say that I enjoyed every possible aspect of my visit. Note that the Beefaroo at which I believe I ate was the one on Lexus Drive; it was near the Toyota/Lexus dealership.

I think the design of your restaurant was excellent. The store maintained a general fast food aesthetic without being tackily decorated with logos to entice children rather than adults. That said, it did not swing too far the other way by attempting to appear too upscale for its menu. This is a fine line to which many restaurants are unable to adhere.

The staff was adequate which is sadly above average for most fast food eateries. They all appeared to be busy the entire time instead of being lazy. Two employees called us to take our order instead of one person ignoring us to get out of work.

The girl that helped me was prompt in serving us and was helpful in answering all questions I had. I regretfully do not have her name to forward this positive review of her performance (I estimate her age to be 17 and her height to be 5 foot 4 inches. She had dark hair).

I would rank the food I had as very good. I had a double bacon cheeseburger (sans cheese) and a side order of french fried potatoes. They were well prepared and served quickly. The quality was above average for a fast food restaurant.

I finally want to praise you on the cleanliness of your restrooms. The men's room free of graffiti and odor. Everything was visually clean. My mother assured me that the women's restroom was being cleaned during the visit. I will assume that it was cleaned to the same level as the men's room.

Finally, please consider opening a location on the south side of Indianapolis, Indiana.

David Sibley

PS - What is up with the salt at the tables? It looked weird and I noticed that you sell it on your website. I assume there is something awesome about it that I am missing. When will the shirt designs be available online? I would like to purchase one to go with the black mug I purchased in store.

EDIT: Inclusion of the response from Beefaroo.

Dear Mr. David Sibley,

Thank you for taking the time to e-mail us with your positive comments regarding your dining experience at Beefaroo. We are a family owned business and take great pride in providing good food in a pleasant atmosphere.

We work hard to hire and train the best employees. We will definately pass on your favorable comments to our very hardworking staff.

The salt on the table is our signature season salt. It can be used in place of table salt on meat, veggies, or anything you would typically salt. Our new t-shirt designs should be available by August.

Thanks again for visiting us in Rockford. We have no plans for an Indianapolis Beefaroo, but will keep your comments in mind when thinking about expansion.

Chris Bergsten
Beefaroo partner

The Closer

2008-06-05T20:20:00.002-04:00

So, I closed on my house today. Moving has confirmed that I am a nerd.

After three car loads, I am not done moving MY VIDEO GAMES! There was more than video games in the last two car loads (quite a bit actually), but even I realize that is excessive. I am starting to realize I have wasted my life.

Hollywood actress supports democrat

2008-06-04T19:25:00.008-04:00

HOLLYWOOD, CA - Actress Kate Walsh, best known as Dr. Addison Montgomery on Grey's Anatomy, has against all odds decided to publicly support a democratic candidate. Walsh claims to be "thrilled" at the idea of seeing Senator Barack Obama (D-IL) elected president.

This news comes the day following the Democratic National Committee formally nominate Obama as their choice for president. When reached for comment on the news, Obama admits it "is surprising to have support from a Hollywood representative. Democrats have historically fought an uphill battle to receive support from actors and that is the kind of change I have been promoting in this campaign."

Obama's message of change was not lost on Walsh who claims to see him as "the best person to lead." She also feels that supporting a democrat is a "step into a brave new frontier for Hollywood."

"Celebrities have been reluctant to jump on bandwagon topics and liberal causes, but it needs to stop," says Walsh. "Someday the rich and famous will be able to support aid for global warming, Darfur or oil spills without fear of being secretly blacklisted or publicly crucified by the media."

Kate Walsh closed the press conference with "I am a doctor on television. Who can better prescribe a cure for George Bush? Take four years of Barack Obama and call me in the morning."

I can't afford the gas to fill my luxury limousine

2008-05-30T19:42:00.000-04:00

HEY! GAS PRICES! DID SOMEONE MENTION GAS PRICES! HEY! HEY! GAS PRICES! GAS PRICES! LET'S ALL TALK ABOUT GAS PRICES FOREVER! HEY EVERYONE! GAS PRICES SHO IS HIGH! GAS PRICES! PEOPLE WILL NEVER TRAVEL AGAIN BECAUSE OF GAS PRICES! GAS PRICES!

Rock Star Or No Rock Star.

2008-05-22T20:37:00.003-04:00

So, I was watching Deal Or No Deal and they are advertising a contest for a new model.

Don't get me wrong. I like looking at physically attractive women even if they are all attractive in that kind of stereotypical model way (I realize how, you know, stupid that sounds). If they are losing some models, they might as well "audition" some women to see who the United States thinks is hot. I get that. I'm fine with that. Before the commercials, they keep having the models say something about themselves.

Errr...who gives a plop?

I've only seen Deal Or No Deal a few times but I don't recall thinking "I am sick to death of having no models with rock star attitude. How can they expect me to root for an obnoxiously loudmouth contestant choosing numbers at random when no one has rock star attitude? I need more rock star attitude."

The models rarely talk. They occasionally act like they got a big number and then turn around because, "PSYCHE! IT'S REALLY A PENNY!" Woah. Way to blow my freaking mind names model at case 17. You freaking got me that time.

Their personality is completely unimportant and, for the most part, so are their looks. It's a group of 26 women dressed the exact same. As long as the woman isn't completely heinous, whatever dudes.

Oh, you're from Springfield, Illinois? WHO CARES?

Teenage Fan Club

2008-05-13T20:19:00.002-04:00

Someone at work said there is apparently a fan club dedicated to me on Facebook.com. It is my understanding that Facebook is a website similar to Myspace but computer nerds dislike Myspace more (someone at work said my hypothesis is mostly correct). Anyway, I did see a picture of the fan club page but I am not aware of its purpose.

This kind of freaks me out:

I was not aware of this and did not organize it.
I have pretty severe paranoia
I don't think I deserve a fan club I am not aware of

Someone that knows Facebook should see what this is about. Report to me any and all information learned from your tactical espionage action (note: spies are cool and by doing this you are kind of like being a spies which means I am a ringleader of spies like CONTROL or UNCLE). The fan club is called Sibley The Best or something like it (there is a picture of a shirt). Help me!

I'm movin' out

2008-05-11T10:44:00.004-04:00

Ba da da daaa da daa da da [/saxophone]

In the process of buying a house, bitches. Put in bid on house. Bid accepted. Busy doing other house stuffs like inspection and loan things all week. Moving into new house once I close on everthing.

Everyone give me moneys. Moneys (that what I want). And appliances. And home furnishings. Give them to me.

Pro Tip: Don't lose your tax information from previous years. I had to get new forms for 2005 and redo my taxes hoping that's good enough for loan stuffs.

EVERYONE EAT AT COLDSTONE CREAMERY!

2008-05-05T21:10:00.002-04:00

KAHALA LETTERHEAD

April 28, 2008

David Sibley
ADDRESS WITHHELD

Dear Mr. Sibley,

Thank you fortaking the time to contact Cold Stone Creamery. I am the new Customer Service Manager for Kahala Corp; specifically heading the Cold Stone Creamery account. I had the opportunity last week to go through the most recent customer letters that were sent to Cold Stone Creamery's Brand President Dan Beem and yours caught my attention. In an attempt to respond to you quickly and due to the reorganization of this department, I believe you were sent a few gift cards and a rather general repsonse letter. I would like to take this time to answer your question in a complete manor and apologize that your concern wasn't addressed previously.

First and foremost, we were sorry to hear you don't enjoy what we like to call the entertainment factor. This aspect of our business was developed nearly 20 years ago as a means of entertaining people who were waiting in long lines at Cold Stone Creamery locations across the country. Today it's a method some stores use to thank customers for their generous tips. As you can imagine we get thousands upon thousands of letters from customers and in some cases people do find the singing bothersome, but in most cases people find it amusing and a tastic that sets Cold Stone Creamery apart from other shops.

Now with that said, because you aren't enjoying the singing at your local Cold Stone Creamery though it seems you did like the ice cream, I'd like ot encourage you to visit the store once again and ask that the crew members not sing to you. You might be susprised to learn that each of our stores are are individually owned and operated, this means that each store owner is dedicated to building long lasting relationships with their customers and the community. Should the store owner become aware of the fact that you'd rather not hear the singing they'd surly [sic] be more more than happy to accomodate your request. After all isn't that what Cold Stone Creamery is all about - ice cream the way you want it.

In the meantime, your comments are truly appreciated as they keep us focused on our goal of delivering the ultimate ice cream experience and let us know how we're doing. Thank you for taking the time to contact us, and I hop you continue to enjoy your experiences at Cold Stone Creamery for years to come.

Sincerely
SIGNATURE OF LILLY FELICE
Lilly Felice
Customer Service Manager

I'm not sure I understand the relationship between Cold Stone Creamery and Kahala. I suspect that Kahala is a norse god shaped like a bear or possibly is an organization handling customers for Cold Stone Creamery. Regardless, Kahala is apparently authorized to be all answering my question since they have pretty authentic looking Cold Stone Creamery envelopes.

Grammar and spelling errors aside, this is what I'm talking about. First of all, they answered my question the way I wanted it to be answered. Secondively, it was informative. Thirdly, this letter was sent very quickly.

I know this was just a nice way of getting my cash-ola, but they have made a customer of me for life or until such a time when I can not consume ice cream for health reasons (I hope I never reach a time when I can not eat ice cream for health reasons because I will kill myself).

I will respond to Lilly Felice as soon as I get some more Cold Stone Creamey ice cream for my belly (that is where I store ice cream within my body). This will most likely be tomorrow around noon time when I am done voting (everyone should vote in the primaries, you butt bags). My letter will most likely be very positive unless the ice cream is not good, but I probably say a lot of good things about their customer service this time 'around.

Note to self: charge my cellular telephone battery more often

2008-05-02T19:25:00.002-04:00

I was in the zone in Tetris today. I'm not joking. I was so far in the game that the Tetris Effect could not take hold. Instead of the game forcing its hallucinations onto me, I was projecting myself into the game. I was one with the Tetriminos.

All this except my cellular telephone battery was dying. I continually received the low battery warning which kept disturbing my groove. So, I had the most difficult decision of my life to make. Should I purposefully lose my game so that the score will be saved forever or should I continue playing and risk the phone dying without saving the score?

I decided to end the game prematurely which sucks. I was seriously one with the Tetriminos. Not only did I get high score with my suicide, but the playing field was practically empty. Who knows how far I would have gone?

The War Is On

2008-04-23T12:50:00.010-04:00

You thought that you were so clever, didn't you? You thought that you could buy me off, didn't you?

I SAW THROUGH YOUR PLAN FROM THE BEGINNING!

Click the picture to enlarge it to readability because blogger and imageshack hate me.

Three visits from the same IP address, which I have redacted, in Scottsdale, Arizona. I'm a modern day Demosthenes and at least one person in Scottsdale getting my message of peace, love and understanding is fine. No big deal...except all three visits were for the Cold Stone Creamery response mere hours after it was posted. No big deal...except Cold Stone Creamery's headquarters is in SCOTTSDALE, ARIZONA!

DAN BEEM, PRESIDENT OF COLD STONE CREAMERY, IS OUT TA GET ME!

He won't catch me because I'm fucking innocent. All I've done is uncovered the truth in Cold Stone Creamery's web of lies and those fat cats in Scottsdale, Arizona want to silence me. You can not silence me or my message of truth.

April 23, 2008

Mr. Dan Beem
President
Cold Stone Creamery
9311 E. Via de Ventura
Scottsdale, AZ 85258

Dear Mr. Beem:

You are dead. I'm not joking. You are fucking dead.

Sincerely,

David Sibley

That was my original draft and, while I felt it's brevity was an improvement over my previous letter to Cold Stone Creamery, I thought it missed a couple of key points. So I rewrote it a little:

April 23, 2008

Mr. Dan Beem
President
Cold Stone Creamery
9311 E. Via de Ventura
Scottsdale, AZ 85258

Dear Mr. Beem:

I received a response from you regarding a letter, a reproduction of both have been enclosed, I had sent you. I have come to realize that my original letter was aggressively curt and I can assure I am embarrassed by my brusqueness. I am honestly not sure that I deserved the proper response that I received. I thank you for the professionalism and the gift cards.

I feel that my question was never answered though. I do not believe this is your fault as my letter buried my intent. So, I must ask again, "Is it acceptable for me to request no singing when I tip?"

I would like to visit your stores again to make use of my gift cards and potentially spend my own income own your ice cream. I am afraid I can not do this though. As stated, "I shall not visit any of your stores again until I receive a response indicating that I can specifically request no singing when I tip." I feel that it would violate my vow that I made to you if I did use the gift cards. Any response can be mailed to my home at:

David Sibley
ADDRESS WITHHELD BY AUTHOR

Sincerely,

David Sibley

Enclosure

EDIT FOR DAN BEEM: I have not completely ruled out that you are spying on me, but I will not kill you.

Cold Stone Creamery response

2008-04-22T12:39:00.004-04:00

COLD STONE CREAMERY LETTERHEAD

April 9, 2008

David Sibley

ADDRESS WITHHELD AT RECIPIENT'S REQUEST

Dear Mr. Sibley,

Thank you for taking the time to contact us in regards to your experience at the Greenwood Cold Stone Creamery location.

We appreciate comments and feedback regarding our products and service. Our hope is that you will remain a Cold Stone Creamery customer.

Please find enclosed three complimentary Cold Stone Creamery gift cards which are redeemable at any location.

Sincerely,

SIGNATURE OF DAN BEEM

Dan Beem

President

Cold Stone Creamery

END TRANSCRIPTION

ENCLOSURE: Three gift cards, two for $5.00 and one for $6.00.

I'm not sure what to make of this. Why is Cold Stone Creamery is bold italics twice and in regular text once? Why was my question, can you stop the singing or can I request no singing, never answered?

I'm not sure whether this qualifies as a victory. I said "I shall not visit any of your stores again until I receive a response indicating that I can specifically request no singing when I tip." Patronizing the company would involve me violating my word which is inexcusable.

I have $16.00 worth of free ice cream coming my way though. I understand the whole concept of the free moneys is to get me back into the store and slowly wear down my resistance to the singing. I would be sticking it to the man even more by getting the ice cream for free.

I am considering writing to Mr. Beem again and explaining my question again. I feel it may have been lost in the length of my previous letter.

I don't know what to do.

I do not live in California

2008-04-18T12:39:00.002-04:00

Why there earthquakes here? Only natural disaster left is hurricane. God hates midwest. I movin now.

This is important

2008-04-16T20:36:00.005-04:00

If there is one thing I am passionate about, it is hardcore gay pornography (passionate about not seeing it, but passionate nonetheless). If there are two things I am passionate about, it is the not seeing gay pornography and bringing back Choc-ola. If there are three things, it's not watching gay pornography, Choc-ola and PIZZA!

I have gotten to the point where pizza is no longer a food for me but a way of life. At some point, I had an awakening that made me see how important pizza is. If you are scoffing at the idea of pizza being a way of life, you need my wisdom more than anyone and I insist that you read this entire post.

There is a small, but slowly growing, group of people that do not respect pizza. By not respecting it, they are tarnishing it. I can not abide this. These people have good intentions, but the road to hell and so forth. They aren't purposefully ruining my life, but they are ruining it.

Do you remember the first time you heard of barbecue chicken pizza? If you are anything like me (you freakin' wish), you thought, "What a weird idea! Who are the ad wizards came up with that one?" The problem is that we didn't get our picket signs. We didn't ostracize these people. We silently laughed to ourselves wondering who would actually eat it.

That's how I learned how important my stance is. I never figured that chicken on pizza would catch on and it did. The sanctity of pizza is being violated with each new wacky topping introduced. I can not allow this to happen.

First they came with barbecue chicken, and I remained silent; I like barbecue chicken. When they came with shrimp, I did not speak out; I was not adverse to shrimp. When they came with artichoke hearts, there was no one left to speak out.

Italy went so far as to legally protect traditional Italian pizzas not only within Italy, but within the entire European Union (Seriously. It's in Italian, but you can translate it). I do not think we are quite there yet, but we are nearing the tipping point.

I have compiled a list of toppings that are available on pizzas. I will rank them as acceptable or unacceptable. If you stick to this list, I guarantee a decent pie so long as you are at a reputable pizzeria.

I am not saying these foods are gross by themselves although some of them are. I'm not saying they all make pizza taste bad, but they don't work together with pizza well enough to be worthy of being on pizza. They make some unholy third food substance. A good example is:

I like french fries.
I like ice cream.
I DO NOT PUT ICE CREAM ON FRENCH FRIES!

Do you understand how this works? Two good foods combined does not necessarily make them twice as delicious. It can easily ruin both. Ice cream french fries? Butter popcicles? Hamburger earmuffs? Do you see how not everything is "you got peanut butter in my chocolate..."

I have honestly seen pictures of or seen these listed on menus. Hopefully we can prevent some of these ideas from migrating from southern California to anywhere else. Also, this list is only compiled from North American because I don't have the time to start compiling whatever weird crap Japanese people put on a pie. And here's the list.

Crust

Thin - Yes, but I suggest steering toward a typical "hand tossed" or medium thickness

New York style thin crust - Yes
Chicago Syle thin crust - Yes

Thick - Yes
Deep Dish - Yes
Stuffed Crust - No
Wheat Dough - No

Sauces

Tomato - YES. This is the sauce to use.
Pesto - No
Ranch - No
Barbecue (AKA BBQ) - No
Garlic - I think garlic can be excellent on pizza, but I do not like the idea of a sauce being so garlicky that it is called garlic sauce. No.
Chili - No
Vinaigrette - No
Alfredo - No
Mayonnaise - WHAT THE FUCK!
Ginger sauce - This ain't no Chinese food.

Meats

Pepperoni - No doy. This goes on pizza like pizza goes in my stomach.

Sliced pepperoni - No duh
Chunks of pepperoni - acceptable, but let's not overdo it.

(Italian) Sausage - Yes! A million times yes! (Also, I realize that pepperoni is a type of sausage)

Salami - I warily say yes. Please stick don't get crazy with types of sausage
Chunk size - medium to large is acceptable. Meatball size chunks must be sliced. Tiny chunks are not a good idea as the flavor is lost.
Sheet of sausage - I've only heard of this at Lou Malnati's, but have not personally tried it. I'll say yes until I've tried it firsthand.

Anchovies - This is acceptable.
Hamburger/Ground Beef - I will begrudgingly allow this. At this point, attempt to steer the person toward a type of sausage.
Actual hamburgers - GET THE HELL AWAY FROM ME!
Bacon - Yes, but it must be combined with at least one other meat. Bacon does not go on pizzas with vegetables. It NEVER is the only topping on a pizza.
Ham - Yes, but it must be diced and used in limited quantities with other meats as the focus. Ham does not go with other vegetables on pizza.
Canadian bacon - I'm not sure what the difference between ham and Canadian bacon. So I must begrudgingly say yes. I am very unhappy about that judgment.
Chicken - Not acceptable. No barbecue chicken. No Caribbean jerk chicken. No tandoori chicken unless you are listening to Tandoori Chicken by Ronnie Spector. No grilled chicken. Keep it away from pizza.
Shrimp - Not acceptable
Seafood not listed all ready - NO
Carne Asada - This is a pizza; not a fajita.

Fruits/Vegetables/Peppers/Fungi (basically plants in general)

Tomatoes

sliced - Yes
full tomatoes - No

Pineapple - No. It is not visually appetizing and actually ruins the appearance of the cheese
Garlic - Yes
Mushrooms - Yes, but depends on the size. Something like a portobello is too big.
Lettuce - No
Olives

Black - Yes
Green - Yes, but I'm not eating that pie.

Spinach - Popeye sucks.
Artichoke Hearts - No
Avocados - Get your California Pizza Kitchen crap out of here
Eggplant - No
Bell Peppers - The further you get from green peppers the less enjoyable the pizza looks. Although bell peppers make pizza look less enjoyable because they taste bad.

Green Peppers - Yes, but I'm getting near that crap.
Red Peppers - Yes, but I'm not eating it. I like this idea less than green papers.
Yellow Peppers - I like this even less than green peppers but it's allowable.

Pepperoncini (AKA Banana Peppers) - I will allow this, but I would prefer them on someone else's pizza
Jalapeños - No. Any purpose these would serve is covered by pepperoncini
Onions

Red Onions - I'm going to say no, but I might be tempted to say yes.
Carmelized Onions - No
Green Onions - No
White Onions - Yes

Mango - Why would someone do this?
Cucumber - This is for the salad you may have before the pizza. Do not put this on a pizza.
Brocolli - See cucumber. No.
Bananas - I swear to God, look at this picture. No.

Herbs/Spices

Cilantro - No
Basil - Yes
Oregano - No
Red Pepper flakes - Yes, this sort of falls under bell peppers but is different enough to fall under spices
Chives - No

Cheeses

Mozzarella - No doy. If there is one cheese on your pizza, this is it.
Muenster - It needs to be with something another cheese, but it can go on the pizza.
Feta - I'll allow it, but I'm not happy about it.
Cheddar - No
Parmesan - Yes
Ricotta - Yes
Prosciutto - Yes
Monterey Jack - No

Miscellaneous

French Fries - Talk about ruining two foods and if that is Thousand Island dressing, hell no.
Poutine - This sort of falls under french fries, but get the fuck out.
Chicken (Mc)Nuggets (see the hamburger pizza listed earlier) - GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!
Noodles of any kind - NO

Various types of pizza (by the way, the toppings generally discount most of these anyway)

Taco pizza - No
White pizza - No
Breakfast Pizza - Actually "breakfast" variations of anything are stupid
Donair pizza - No
Cheese Burger - No
Dessert Pizza - I like this, but being flat does not make something a pizza. It's more like a pastry. I don't call a Danish a pizza and this is no exception.

There are probably other toppings that those Wolfgang Puck or some Californian are thinking about putting on a pizza that I haven't heard of. They are not acceptable. Anything that I have not all ready approved is new, weird and not a pizza topping. If you think the topping is questionable, the answer is no.

I hate to come off as a pizza jerk, but this is a slipperly slope. As soon as we say "I don't see what is so wrong about shrimp; I'm going to order it," we get this:

That black stuff is just...squid ink...no big deal...I...I always have aneurysms...right before I kill myself.

Do you see? Do you understand? I am trying to save you from yourself. Do not keep the floodgates open in the rain. Do not order some unacceptable toppings on a whim. If you prepare now, you will be ready when someone says, "Let's put Cinnamon Toast Crunch on a pizza." Maybe we can even get the country to stop allowing some of the toppings I've all ready listed on here.

I have started two new blogs

2008-04-05T10:47:00.003-04:00

Because one blog that I rarely update is not enough to contain me. This blog is not focused although restaurant and The Simpsons complaints are common themes. The two new blogs are focused enough that enveloping them into this blog, though possible, is detracting from them. Here they are.

1001 Movies I Will Watch Before I Die - I review movies from the book 1001 Movies You Must See Before You Die (Revised Edition)
People That Are Cooler Than You - Everyone featured in this blog is cooler than you.

Rules of the Name

2008-03-24T19:33:00.004-04:00

Parents are not taking enough time naming your children. I am sorry, but it's true. Please remember that your child will have their name FOREVER! Not only must they live with it, but it will be on their tombstone.

I know having a daughter named Picabo Street seems cute for one minute. She is now 37 years old and it is not cute. She is named after a game for infants. More importantly, Picabo is spelled wrong. More importantly, neither Picabo or Peekaboo are even names.

I have now compiled a list of rules you MUST follow when naming your children. You must consult this list.

No alliterative names - Consonance bothers me more than assonance, but neither are desirable. Examples: Peter Parker, Reed Richards, Bruce Banner, Cybil Sibley, Jack Kerouac, Gordon Gekko
No names that refer to sex organs or actions - It's emasculating. Examples: Dick, Richard, Peter, Roger
No weird names from television/movie characters - I should not be able to guess your child's age based on popular television shows of the era. Examples: Chandler, Addison, Bart, Seven (of Nine)
No names for girls ending in "I" - It makes them sound like bimbos. Examples: Bambi, Trixi
No names that are also Victorian principles - They sound stupid and often are not descriptive of the person. Examples: Chastity, Charisma, Prudence, Precious (I swear I've seen this)
No unisex names - I want to know if I'm meeting a boy or a girl based on hearing or seeing the name. Examples: Courtney, Aaron/Erin, Chris, Leslie
No first names ending with the sound of the first syllable of the last name - It makes it difficult to know when one name ends the other begins. Examples: Chris Sibley, Ray Aames
No Dylans - Just don't do it. Examples: People with parents born in the 1960s, Dylan McKay
No hippy names - I hate hippies. Examples: Summer, Flower, _______ Zappa
No super famous names - AAAARRRGGGHHH! Examples: Michael Bolton from Office Space, I heard about a couple naming their son Joe Louis Arena because they loved the Red Wings.
No foreign names - Let people of other nations have their own culture. Example: Akira Smith, Uter Johnson, Mohandas Gibson, Skippy Hussein
No popular/fad names - I hate that there are 50 million Mikes or Jims or Chriss (how do you pluralize Chris?). Please look at the social security listing for names of the last 10 years and don't pick one of the top 25 names until it falls off the radar. Examples: Sara(h), David (your child is not cool enough anyway), Matt, too many more to list
No Damiens - Watch The Omen, you dongbags. Examples: Damien
No Lolas - You're daughter is not really a man...or is she? Examples: Lola
No names with really, really obvious rhymes - This is kind of a stretch, but a kid named Ray is going to be Gay Ray through middle school. Examples: Bart and Fart, Rex and Sex, Eddie and Spaghetti
No naming children after yourself - Your name is probably not that great. Examples - JFK Jr., Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
No mispronouncing a normal name - You can not take an acceptable name and change the pronunciation to make it unique. Example Ian Ziering (pronounced EYE-in)
No misspelling a normal name - I spell my last name anytime someone asks what it is because I'm worried UPS is going to have a David Siblee in their records forever. Imagine how bad it would be if my name were Dayvid and I had to explain every single time that my parents hate me. Examples that I have actually seen - Andrhea for Andrea, Emilea for Emily
No Picabos - I said it once before, but it bears repeating. What is next: Scrabble Jones? Examples: Picabo Street

Cold Stone Creamery

2008-03-18T12:17:00.003-04:00

March 18, 2008

Mr. Dan Beem
President
Cold Stone Creamery
9311 E. Via de Ventura
Scottsdale, AZ 85258

Dear Mr. Beem:

I visited Cold Stone Creamery store #1405 in Greenwood, Indiana, USA for the first time. I think it is important to note that this is my first time patronizing one of your stores and I am not particularly happy with the experience.

Upon tipping your staff, they proceeded to sing about ice cream to the tune of American folk song “I’ve Been Working On The Railroad.” I did not request a song and I was not asked if I wanted to hear one. I have done some research on the internet to find that this is standard practice at Cold Stone Creamery stores. I find this to be highly annoying and would like it to stop immediately.

I am not sure I can fathom why such an idea was initiated. If I wanted to hear off-key caterwauling by high school and college students, I would start watching American Idol. It serves only as an incentive to either stop visiting your restaurants or stop tipping your staff which I assume is something you do not find desirable.

I suppose this singing is used to provide a whimsical ambience at your stores. Furthering this assumption, this is a method for separating yourself from other franchises in the competitive world of gourmet ice cream. I think a better way of reaching a wider clientele is providing a better product for consumers to enjoy.

If I were to visit your store, would it be possible for me to specifically request no singing when I tip? I can not prevent others from requesting a song when they tip which may ruin my experience again.

I would like to close with a positive comment though. The ice cream I had, Peanut Butter Cup Perfection, was enjoyable.

In closing, I shall not visit any of your stores again until I receive a response indicating that I can specifically request no singing when I tip. Any response can be mailed to my home at:

David Sibley
ADDRESS WITHHELD AT AUTHOR'S REQUEST

Sincerely,

David Sibley

We have the facts and we're voting daylight saving time is retarded

2008-03-08T14:22:00.004-05:00

I do not like daylight saving time and I will never like daylight saving time.

EDIT: Some guy just called work to see if the movie times were affected by daylight saving time. ARGH!

EDIT again: A customer after being told his movie had all ready started twice (he exchanged tickets) had to be told today start daylight saving time. Said customer also was flirting with a cashier by saying, "I gave you $15. That means I get a dollar fifty back. I'm a mathematician." Enter Dwayne Wayne.

Since this is a customer complaint post as much as it is a daylight saving time/Wendy's post: A customer complained that our marquee listed "Diary Of The Dead" as "George A Romero's..." which is a valid complaint. I explained that "George A..." is the official full title and he said the poster outside didn't say that. I said "I believe it does, but I'll take your word for it." He left.

One final customer complaint: A customer called on her cell phone to complain that kids in a theater were on their cell phone. Irony people. Irony.

Now, back to me complaining about Wendy's in my post complaining about daylight saving time.

Unrelated query: What is the difference between Wendy's Crispy Chicken and Wendy's Homestyle Chicken Fillet? The pictures at the drive through window were identical. I was going to ask, but didn't have time. Also, Wendy's has too many chicken sandwiches. There are the two previously mentioned sandwiches, the Ultimate Chicken Grill, the Chicken Club and the Spicky Chicken something.

No exaggeration

2008-03-01T21:04:00.001-05:00

Buca di Beppo is the worst restaurant in the universe. I don't care that the pizza is pretty good. I have NEVER IN HISTORY had such a horrible dining experience. I freaking hate that place and do not see myself ever attending one again.

Meet Teddy. He's my wingman.

2008-02-24T12:07:00.006-05:00

We couldn't go out a couple weeks ago because he had his sister's wedding to go to in South Bend, but we normally hit downtown every Thursday night. Rock Bottom. Have A Nice Day. Ike And Jonesy's for a laugh. Just a typical Thirsty Thursday may have us hitting four or five places.

If I'm getting my drink on, dude, you know Teddy's ready to par-tay. When some jerk in the place is starting shit, Teddy's got my back and I got his. When some chica is getting too clingy at the bar, stunting my game, Teddy's slides on in there to diffuse the situation old school. So, yeah. He's pretty much my A number one bro.

Then, every Friday night is poker night at my buddy Steve-Os.My broheim supreme, Steve-O. He ain't there every Thursday with Teddy and me because his girl Toni be nagging him about too many boy's night out or something. He's always got poker night at his place on Friday though. He puts his foot down for that. I guess he got to give up some Thursdays for Friday you know? I think Toni got him whipped which violates rule numero uno: bros before hos. Steve-O, you know you my bro for life though.

So, what's up this Thursday? Who knows. Probably typical day of pulling numbers from broads we never gonna call. Then bringing home one if we feel like it. Living life shot by shot, beer by beer. You know how we do.

Hold up though. I didn't always live such a great life, but that was before T-Mobile gave me a lifestyle worth having. I didn't have a fave five. I didn't have Catherine Zeta-Jones informing me about the D-Wade Edition Sidekick. I wasn't going to "Get More" or "Stick Together." There wasn't a T-Mobile HotSpot at Starbucks for this guy. I was living the rest of my life like a schnook.

Now this is my life.
Pretty cool, huh? We're really having a good time because that's what people with T-Mobile do. We hang out and enjoy life in a multiracial, multicultural way. Our young hip fashion sense and above average good looks make us slightly out of your league, but we maintain a certain level of approachability. T-Mobile gets it in a way that other phone service providers don't. I wanted to be cool and with T-Mobile, I am.

More like All About pissing me off

2008-02-20T11:38:00.003-05:00

All Abouts Girl Scout cookies have changed from big rectangular cookies to small round regular looking cookies. Why has Girl Scouts turned against me like this?

First of all, I suspect that I am getting less cookie per box. I have no idea why I reached this conclusion, but I did. If anyone has an old box of All Abouts, I need to know whether or not a box had eight ounces of cookies. Secondly, the writing on All Abouts is so cramped that it makes them difficult to read. One of the cookies says CONFIDENCE but it's really squished together.

Another complaint I have about them, but I've had this problem for a long time. Why does every cookie says "GIRL SCOUTING IS ALL ABOUT __________." Each cookie says something different from FUN to GIRLS to 95 YEARS to VALUES to something else boring. Girl Scouting can't be all about more than one thing. From a mathematical and logical perspective, it can only be "all about" one thing. It's very annoying.

Politics As Usual

2008-02-11T10:24:00.001-05:00

Dear Republican Party,

Could you please get over John McCain? You have no one else. So McCain doesn't have the conservative Christians backing him. Let me repeat. You have no one else. Let me repeat. You have no one else. The evangelicals aren't going to say, "Welp, McCain isn't my ideal choice. I guess I vote for Clinton instead. Tum tee tum" The democrats are down to two candidates that are not going to grab many swing votes and certainly none from the extreme right.

Finally, why are you worried about losing super conservative votes anyway. McCain is one of the most conservative guys in Congress right now. You need to get with the program and learn that McCain is it.

Technically Huckabee is still in the race, but Fred Thompson has almost as good a chance as Huckabee does of winning (zing!). Seriously, Romney was the only other contender for McCain and he was so far behind he dropped out all ready. Huckabee should stop fishing for a vice president nomination and get out while it's only mildly embarrassing.

Dear Democratic Party,

If you care about the White House at all, you will nominate Obama. I do not see Clinton beating McCain. If you are the kind of person that simply wants any democrat at all in the White House, you need to realize that Clinton probably can't beat McCain. Clinton might have taken Romney or Huckabee, but not McCain.

I hate to put it this way, but here are the facts. Americans are less likely to vote for a woman than they are a black man. It's a fact. Look up some polling information yourself. The second thing Clinton has running against her is "Clinton."

I know that six months ago, you were convinced there was no way a democrat wasn't winning the presidential election. The closer it gets to November, the more obvious it is that you've been dic...dic...dictating yourself (That's delude yourself, dummy). The republicans have a shot and McCain is actually a really good choice for them because he's a "maverick" that people think is fairly liberal even though he's super conservative.

They keep calling me Keep on calling me

2008-02-02T20:37:00.000-05:00

Gather 'round children. Story time.

There was a young man named D. Sibley...no, that's too obvious. His name is David S. When he was approximately 13 years old, "Weird Al" Yankovic had a show in Indianapolis. This is, to my knowledge, the only time "Weird Al" Yankovic has performed in Indiana. David asked his parents if he bought one ticket, would they purchase one so that he might attend said concert. You see, David was too young to attend the concert himself and he had only discovered the news one week before the date of the show. This was not enough time to save the $15 twice for two tickets (maybe they were $14, but it was over a decade ago). David's mother said no. He is not particularly bitter about this, he would have liked to go ever so much.

The moral is: I liked "Weird Al" Yankovic as a kid and I never got to see him. Now that I'm old enough, I couldn't care less, but the memories would have been great.

Fast forward to 2008.

We are literally turning people away because we are way beyond capacity for people wanting to spend $15 to take their kids to see Hannah Montana. What the fuck? I offered to buy my own ticket if one of my parents would take me to "Weird Al" and no dice. This brings me to one question: When did the American parents lose their perspective?

Hannah Montana won't to be at the theatre. It's just a video of her singing. It's in 3D, but I could have seen "Weird Al" in person for the same price. They said no. I could turn this into my parents didn't love me enough; hug me. I won't. I don't hold a grudge against them because that is reserved for the time they didn't tape Garfield's Babes And Bullets for me.

I guess it's okay though. People spent up to $2000 for Hannah Montana's live appearance in town because she is a "good role model." Here is a list of people that are not good role models: People that aren't willing to teach their kids what a good role model really is. People that aren't teaching their kids the value of money. People that pull their children out of school to see a Hannah Montana movie (That's right. People are pulling their children out of school to watch a movie).

I liked "Weird Al" a whole lot, but I didn't look to him for how to be a good person. He wasn't a role model. I wanted to listen to his family friendly brand of musical parody and satire. When it came time to ask questions one normally asks a role model, I turned off my cassette of Polka Party and, like a dumbass, asked my fucking parents what to do (note: parents were not actually having sex when I asked them questions). That is a huge difference.

Here is another list of people that aren't good role models: a lot of girls that start out on the Disney Channel including Britney Spears, Britney Spears' sister that's pregnant and 16, Xtina Aguilera, that girl from High School Musical that took naked pictures of herself and sent them to everyone on the internet. Hannah Montana may be fine now, but the Disney Channel doesn't have the best track record for teenage girls.

I know children are going to look up to outside influences and parents have to sometimes go with it. Maybe your child wants to be like an athlete. Maybe your child wants to be a pop star. That's fine. Children will like what they like, but the parents should have been there in the beginning to teach the kids that a television personality isn't the best place to look for morals. Hannah Montana is probably better than a lot of people little girls could/do admire, but I think a lot of people should probably come first. Please start with your children as young as possible because experts say that a person's personality is pretty much cemented by age two.

Since you've all ready ruined your kids (taking them out of school?!) unless they aren't two years old, can you at least do me a favor for when I have to deal with them? Stop calling the theatre. Seriously. I can not take it anymore.

Phone calls have taken, in my perception, a slight drop in frequency since yesterday for Hannah Montana. That means I only answered 40 (I seriously counted) calls from 10am to 1pm today. I answered more calls than that, but Hannah Montana was explicitly stated as being the subject for 40 of them. I suspect another 5-10 were from people calling about Hannah Montana, but I can not 100% guarantee it. Note that the 40 calls does not count the woman who mentioned seeing Hannah Montana on Friday, but wanted to know if we found her debit card.

I'm personally completely indifferent toward Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus. By the way, they are the same person according to one customer. I'm not sure which one is the secret identity, but I suspect both to be the evil one. I just don't want to take anymore telephone calls. It's too much for me.

One final note is that I think a lot of people are raising their daughters to be totally stuck up and believe the world revolves around them.

P. S. My final count was 83 calls from 10am to 6:15pm, but I think I forgot to record a couple. I also didn't answer the telephone from 1pm to 2pm. That's an average of one call every five minutes not counting the one o'clock hour that I answered.

P. P. S. I would like people to learn to understand directions and how to use a map.

Proof: I am a nerd

2008-01-25T13:53:00.000-05:00

This is a description of The Simpsons for this Sunday. The portion I underlined is the part that is especially humorous. If you don't understand the Spider-man retcon, or meaning of retcon, be happy you are not the nerd I am, or the person that wrote the description for snpp.com.

Also, "The 90's Show" makes no sense. The placement of the apostrophe is illogical. The 90s don't own anything and it doesn't make sense to say "The 90 is Show."

Finally, this plot is stupid. Stop going back in time and messing up continuity like this. What is this, the Bond franchise (note: zing!)? Did I mention that I am a nerd/available?

Lasagna Cat

2008-01-17T18:48:00.000-05:00

Discussion: Is Lasagna Cat the best website ever or is it the best website ever because _______?

EDIT: In case y'all to lazy to watch all of them and not have the best hour of your entire life, here are my two favorites.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_TGrep3PDAs
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yELOiYgR2aI&feature=related

Further Editation: If you don't like this, I probably do not like you.

Potato Biggs

2008-01-16T23:07:00.000-05:00

I went to KFC and ordered a KFC Snackers combination meal plus five boneless hot wings. They asked if I would wait four minutes for mine potato wedges which I answered in the affirmative because potato wedges.

So, I get back to work and open the sack of Kentucky Fried goodness which is not as good as Popeye's New Orleans styled goodness. Homeboy didn't even put my potato wedges in a container! They just dumped them on top of my other stuff. Needless to say, I'm pretty pissed about it because that's what I do: blow minor inconveniences out of proportion.

I keep eating only to discover that there was a container for my potato wedges. Say what? They decided to give me so many potato wedges that they spilled all over the top of everything meaning extra potato wedges for the Dave-O-Tron (just tryin' this out as a nickname. Tell me if you like it.).

I am naturally in an awesome mood because of the aforementioned potato wedges. When I start snarfin' on my boneless hot wings. They gave me eight instead of five. I'm all like Helllooooo, hot wings! Is karma is finally paying me back for all my good deeds? There is only one way to find out. Someone buy me a Wii.

What do these movies have in common?

2008-01-09T22:41:00.000-05:00

Sweeney Todd
Walk Hard
The Water Horse
National Treasure 2
Aliens Vs. Predator
The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything

This is not the correct name for any of them. I know you think the movie is called Sweeney Todd, but it's not. It's called Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber Of Fleet Street. It's Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story and The Water Horse: Legend Of The Deep and National Treasure: Book Of Secrets and The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything: A VeggieTales Movie and Aliens Vs. Predator: Requiem.

I am fucking sick of long ass movie titles. This wouldn't bother me if I didn't have to make the ads for work, but I do have to make the ads. I'm supposed to fit the full title of every movie in each ad. I am not spending hundreds of dollars a week to add a couple inches of ad space for some lame crap no one cares about. This week I said I'm pretty much done with this nonsense. Uwe Boll can kiss my big black* ass if he thinks I'm putting In The Name Of The King: A Dungeon Siege Tale in my ad.

*By the way, I took those pills from Soul Man and I am black now.

Why do film studios think this is a good idea? I didn't have one customer come in and say, "What time is Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber Of Fleet Street?" They asked about Sweeney Todd. No one cares about that crap. So, stop. Just stop.

This is why Juno is my favorite movie out right now.** It has a short title and there's no lame colon like Juno: Pregnant Girl That Won't Shut Up. More companies should be like whatever company made Juno.***

**Actually, I do not like Juno. It was stupid.

***Only in naming their movies. Fewer movies like Juno please.

Movies of 2007

2007-12-28T21:20:00.000-05:00

I believe I have seen every 2007 movie I'm going to see by the end of the year. That means it is time for me to provide you, the reader, my opinions on the movies of 2007. There are, because I live in Indiana, a bunch of movies that simply didn't get released here yet which is why a bunch of kickass looking movies aren't listed (WHEN IN THE HELL IS THERE WILL BE BLOOD COMING OUT?).

As usual, I am only counting movies originally released in 2007. I will not count anything with a technical release date of 2006 or 2005 that got a wide release in 2007. So things like Rescue Dawn or Inland Empire or 51 Birch Street or whatever do NOT count. I generally go by IMDB's release dates for consistency.

I suggest you bring this list with you the next time you visit a rental store or Netflix or are looking at TV listings or do whatever you do when deciding upon movies. I suggest doing this because my taste in movies is excellent.

If you didn't see these movies, you have wasted your life:

Breach - Chris Cooper's performance elevated this from standard internal FBI spy thriller to an excellent movie. Seriously, no one is ever going to talk about this movie again and that sucks.
Zodiac - I just liked it a lot.
Knocked Up - flat out hilarious
28 Weeks Later... - A dark, perfect follow up to 28 Days Later...
The Simpsons Movie - It's The Simpsons. Why have you not all ready seen this and bought the DVD or Blue Ray disc?
Sunshine - A really solid science fiction movie with horror elements
The Bourne Ultimatum - A great action movie in a great trilogy.
Superbad - The opening half hour is maybe the best half hour this year. The cops suck balls.
Shoot 'Em Up - Stories of Intrigue.com: the movie.
Eastern Promises - Viggo Mortenson's wanger!
3:10 To Yuma - Great western.
The Assassination of Jesse James By That Coward Robert Ford - A Terence Malick fan makes a Western.
Michael Clayton - Imagine a world where movies weren't dumbed down for high school students. This is what we would get every week.
In The Shadow Of The Moon - For All Mankind, but a bit more emotional.
Lars And The Real Girl - It's hard to describe why this movie is so good. It just is.
Stephen King's The Mist - BEST. ENDING. THIS. YEAR. Bar none. Let no one tell you otherwise. See this for the ending alone. I want to kill Marcia Gay Harden.
No Country For Old Men - Other than the hotel room scene, perfect.
Before The Devil Knows You're Dead - I love movies about regular people that keep getting their own shit dumped on them.
I'm Not There - Imagine Bob Dylan writing an autobiographical album then someone adapts it for the screen.

Movies you really should see:

The Astronaut Farmer - A solid movie that is appropriate for all ages that will be unfairly forgotten.Black Snake Moan - Strangest premise this year that worked.
The Last Mimzy - Escape To Witch Mountain 2007
Reign Over Me - This was overall actually really good, despite many flaws (Saffron Burrows character, etc.)
Grindhouse - This is great because of Planet Terror. Death Proof, though an accurate grindhouse reproduction, is boring as hell.
Pirates 3 - I'm not really a fan of this series, but each movie is entertaining.
Hot Fuzz - It's no Shaun of the Dead, but it improved greatly on a the second viewing.
Bug - This is a perfect example of an insane movie that keeps building on its on insanity
Fantastic Four: Rise Of The Silver Surfer - As much as the first Fantastic Four sucked, this was surprisingly good if anti-climactic.
Live Free Or Die Hard - Take out the standing on a plane sequence and make the bad guy evil to improve 25%. Also, when did John McClane get super powers?
Waitress - I feel kind of womanly admitting I liked this.
Death Sentence - Death Wish, but without Charles Bronson. It gets slightly more ridiculous as it goes on.
The Kingdom - An all around solid movie. It's a condemnation of US attitudes toward the Middle East as much as it is a condemnation of Middle Eastern attitudes.
Gone Baby Gone - GAH! Something involving Ben Affleck is good! NOOOOOOO!
Into The Wild - Just a good movie.
I Am Legend - Least faithful adaptation ever.
The Savages - An excellent, mature look at the situation.
The Kite Runner - Pulling strings emotionally

Ummm...These are good, but don't go out of your way:

Smokin' Aces - Too predictable and not enough fun.
Number 23 - This is way lamer than it should have been.
Ghost Rider - The scenes with Sam Elliot as Ghost Rider kick ass. The rest of this is pretty forgettable unless you LOVE Ghost Rider.
The Lookout - An interesting idea that simply didn't work that well.
Spider-Man 3 - The pointing! The pointing! Redo the last 45 minutes and this would have been good.
Ocean's 13 - Way better than Ocean's 12, but ultimately too far fetched.
1408 - This could have been worse, but it mostly worked.
Trasnformers - Animated movie is better.
Sicko - This movie, while it has good intentions, is flawed by Michael Moore's propaganda.
Sea Monsters 3-D - Mildly interesting and educational
Rendition - The movie is against it. I just saved you two hours.
Lust, Caution - XXX ASIAN HOTTIES XXX...and the intrigue.
Hot Rod - If you REALLY like Saturday Night Live, you will love this. Otherwise, kind of funny in parts.
Juno - I have really grown to hate quirky dialogue movies. The ending is good though.

Don't waste your time:

Blades Of Glory - Not funny
Aqua Teen Hunger Force Colon Movie Film For Theatres - Watch the first five minutes then walk out.
Kickin' It Old Skool - Jamie Kennedy is in it.
Evan Almighty - Give me money because I am religious.
Rush Hour 3 - Rush Hour and Rush Hour 2 without the goodness.
War - Typical Jason Statham movie, but not unintentionally funny.
Halloween - Imagine the plot of Halloween condensed to 45 minutes, but without the coolness. Add lame ass 45 minute Michael Myers in an institution prologue.
Mr. Woodcock - see my previous review of this crap fest
P2 - Freemasons in a parking garage or something...get it?
National Treasure: Book Of Secrets - Just sort of an all around not goodness.

If you saw these movies you wasted your life:

300 - I HATE THIS MOVIE
The Darjeeling Limited - If this were not Wes Anderson, I would have walked out halfway through. SUCKED!

Worst movie ever:

A Sound Of Thunder - DO NOT WATCH THIS MOVIE EVER! IF YOU ARE CONSIDERING IT, I WILL PAY YOU TO NOT WATCH IT!

My top 10 movies of the year (by top 10, I mean my favorites). They are listed in no particular order:

Lars And The Real Girl
The Simpsons Movie
No Country For Old Men
The Savages
In The Shadow Of The Moon
Zodiac
Sunshine
Superbad
The Assassination of Jesse James By That Coward Robert Ford
Michael Clayton

Buy The Simpsons Movie on DVD or Blu Ray this Tuesday

2007-12-16T20:34:00.000-05:00

Why on earth did The Simpsons reuse a couch gag from 2005 for a brand new episode? Also, I'm pretty sure Homer originally said "woooow" instead of "weird." I love this couch gag, easily my favorite ever, but come up with some new ones. This isn't even the first time they've reused it outside of the original season. It's laziness.

Also, this episode was kind of weak. It's obvious that the "jokes" were simply references instead of jokes. The joke should be funny independent from the reference, but be enhanced by knowing the original material. I did like Moe pausing his face and kitten smokes on toilet though.

By the way, I am available ladies. If this is the kind of stuff you like having conversations about, you know, call me. It wouldn't technically be a conversation because I would pretty much be saying everything while you sit there. You would then either agree with me about it or I would berate you until you admit defeat.

The McCartney Years

2007-12-05T14:28:00.000-05:00

I've been watching The McCartney Years DVD recently. It's enjoyable and really frustrating at the same time.

This should have been two volumes. As it is, the box set is incomplete. Music videos that I know exist are missing. There are probably others that I don't know about that are missing. The Unplugged set is truncated. Had the box set been issued in two volumes, it would have been perfect and complete.

One box set could have been the complete collection music videos. One box set would be a collection of live shows. A potential third box set could have featured interviews if they wouldn't have fit on the previous box sets (I'm specifically thinking of the Oprah interview because every other interview is the exact same thing where he's talking about Hey Jude and he mentions John Lennon loving the part about "the movement you need is on your shoulder" and he always thinks of that when he says that line or he says something like "Oh, I don't know...I guess my favorite is Maybe I'm Amazed).

Let's face it, the only people buying The McCartney Years are McCartney fanatics and would drop money for two or three volumes if they were complete. We all ready spend serious money to get bootlegs that are crappier quality. I know that The Beatles have been intelligent enough to not oversaturate the market with yet another inferior product, but they always fall a tad bit short. The McCartney Years is the most frustrating because it's soooo close. It is exactly what fans want, but it stops just short of perfection.

Enough complaining because I really do like what is here that I've watched. McCartney has put out so many videos that it's insane. Videos for crappy songs that were in no way going to be hits. Things like Press, No Other Baby, Little Willow, and others.

It seems that Paul has a very limited vision for his videos though. By my estimate, close to half of them are "band plays somewhere...possibly somewhere goofy." This time the band will be in the woods. This time the band will be dressed in old timey clothes playing in some old timey venue. This time the band is...who cares? So, it is funny to see that though.

The best part is the commentary by Paul McCartney himself. It is the best insight into Paul that I've ever seen. It's not the same interview over and over. It's him looking at his videos and saying whatever he thinks about it. He is admittedly pretty quiet for most of each video. A lot of the stuff is pretty bland ("I still don't know how they did that effect with camera trickery." or "This is the band in the forest.") but I think that says as much about Paul as anything else.

Any McCartney fan needs to have this. It's pretty heavy on the 1980s content, but even those are okay.

Christmas album

2007-12-02T11:37:00.001-05:00

I'm working on the Christmas CD for this year, but I'm having trouble with it. I have an additional theme for this year beside "really terrible Christmas music" which is making this a bit harder. It's likely that it will be a much shorter album than usual. I'd like to mention in advance that this one will have a LOT of objectionable content on it. Consider yourself warned before sending me any requests. If interested, let me know.

Butch McGirk: Cop Out!

2007-11-13T11:52:00.000-05:00

Butch McGirk awoke to two things: his alarm clock and a throbbing headache. Good thing he kept his medicine on the bedside table. One bottle of aspirin and one bottle of Jack Daniels. The aspirin didn't always stop the headache, but the whiskey sure did. He took the last two aspirin and washed them down with the whiskey. The pounding headache subsided...for now.

"I had better get to the precinct," thought Butch to himself. "I have a feeling it's going to be a rough day and my instincts are never wrong." Butch was right about his instincts today; they were not wrong.

No sooner had Butch set his trademark brown trench coat on his desk when he heard Captain O'Malley calling his name. "BUUUUUUUUTCH!"

I guess I'll see what the 'Crap-tain' wants," amused Butch laughing at his own joke. Had the other cops heard him, they would have laughed too because Butch was a cop that knew how to get results.

"That factory you busted up last week is threatening to sue us!" screamed the captain. "They say the damage you caused will cost them serious business!"

Selling drugs isn't a business. It's a crime, but I guess you don't know that," growled Butch. "You're too concerned with your bureaucratic red tape. We both know Escobar was using that factory as a front for his drugs. Someone leaked the information to him so he could clean it out. Fast."
-----
Butch stopped to think to himself about Escobar. Juan Escobar was the biggest dealer of drugs on the East Coast. He had been a thorn in Butch's side since he was a rookie walking the beat. His drugs were messing up mines. Kid's minds. Escobar had been directly responsible for the death of every partner Butch ever had. Butch missed his partners even though he was a stone cold loner. Butch would exact his revenge on Escobar. When Butch McGirk is on duty, you don't kill good cops. No, the best cops.
-----
This part is back to the captain and Butch.

Butch said, "I was this close to shutting down Escobar and you know it. I won't have you and the mayor on my ass holding me back anymore. Why don't you choke on your bureaucratic red tape."

"You are walking a thin ice, Butch. One more incident like this and I'll have your badge," yelled the Captain.

"You can have my badge because I'm the only cop around here who gives a damn," said Butch as he threw his badge on the captain's desk. "I'll solve this case with our without you."

"Good riddance to bad rubbish" said the Captain but he didn't mean it. Butch was the best of the best and they both knew it.

"Quit talking to yerself" said Butch to Captain and laughed.
-----
Butch left the station in search of Escobar and he knew just where to find him...the factory he exploded last week. The police force wouldn't raid it again and Escobar knew it. Perfect for Escobar. Two perfect. Escobar would move the drugs back in. Butch slammed his 72 Nova with the nitros on it into gear and sped toward the docks at the end of town.

Just as he suspected. The drugs. Escobar had moved them back in coffee grounds because the dogs can't smell them. And his henchmen were still there. Escobar's henchmen turned around unknowing of the punishment they were getting ready to get. Butch punched their lights out. One Two Three. Butch grabbed the henchman leader.

"Where's Escobar?" said Butch. He roughed him up to show he meant serious business.

"I don't know. He's not here. Don't hurt me again."

Butch laughed. "Ha Ha Ha" he laughed. "I will do whatever gets results. Now where's Escobar, you creep?"

The henchman knew Butch was not lying. Butch had a deadly reputation about him for busting heads for answers. He was so scared that he told Butch that Escobar was leaving on his private yacht.

Butch punched out the henchman for good measure and lit up a smoke. It was time to take out the trash. Permanently. He ran out back and saw Escobar's yacht getting away. Butch ran to the end of the dock and jumped just in time. Butch must have jumped ten feet if he jumped five.

"ESCOBAR!" yelled Butch.

"How nice to see the famous Butch McGirk on my private yacht." said Escobar. "Too bad you won't be staying long." Then Escobar pulled a knife.

"Too bad for you maybe. You are going down. All the way down. For good this time."

"I'm afraid it's not that simple." said Escobar. Click went the sound of a fun being cocked. FROM BEHIND BUTCH! Everything went black.
-----
Butch woke up tied to a chair! And his headache was back!

Escobar stepped from the shadows. "I see that you are finally awake." said Escobar. "With the biggest nuisance to my business finally removed from the equation, I can take everything international."

"NEVER!"

"Oh ho ho. I am afraid you are powerless to stop me," plotted Escobar. "You may be a big fish in a small pond McGirk, but a shark like myself will always eat the bigger fish. Now if you are excuse me, I must be going. Before I go, meet Bruiser. He will finish you and he more than lives up to his name. Ta Ta McJerk"

"This is gonna be fun," said Bruiser.

Butch had to think fast. "He will expect me to exscape first then beat him. I must use reserve psychology. I will beat him. Then I will exscape."

Butch spun around as faster than anyone had ever spun around tied to a chair! He flipped himself into the air onto Bruiser before he could react! The chair smashed into pieces that rained onto Bruiser's head. Stars flew and tweety birds flew around Bruiser's head from his unconsciousness. With the chair broken, the ropes fell off of Butch.

"That was easy as pie. Ass kick pie that is. Now to get Escobar once and for all."
-----
At Escobar's mansion, the door slammed open to his office!

"Aye Carumba!" cried Escobar. "It is Butch McGirk! To get away from Bruiser and passed my guards you must be as good as they say."

"Better," said Butch. Butch pulled out his Magnum (his gun not his penis) and pointed it at Escobar. "This game is over."

He pulled the trigger until the gun clicked from emptiness. Escobar was dead.
-----
The newspapers proclaimed Butch the hero! His picture was on the front page on every newspaper on the East Coast. The captain gave him back his job, but Butch said to "Take your job and shove it. Your red tape kept Escobar on the streets dealing to kids. I only work for one guy now: Me!"

Butch McGirk will return in Butch McGirk: Private Dick!

End the strike

2007-11-12T11:31:00.000-05:00

I'm finally worried about the writer's strike. I'm not concerned about missing my favorite television shows, or potentially, movies. Mythbusters has minimal writing and The Simpsons is going to air at least most of the season. I won't miss anything that's not airing anymore. The movies that have announced cancellations or delays don't sound remotely interesting. So, I'm not really losing anything though new episodes of Lost would mean it is that much closer to ending.

The problem is that Fox is going to keep airing The Simpsons. I know that sounds like good news, but it isn't. Here's why: Fox, of all groups, is finishing the shows.

Without going into too much detail (I can if you'd really like me to), episodes of The Simpsons can be edited or rewritten by the writers/producers until the week it airs. The show runs a couple minutes long as well meaning that a finished product must be edited for time.

I do not want Fox in charge of changing these episodes. This is a station that approves of The War At Home or Til Death or some other lame ass show about a family that makes snarky sexual innuendo laced quips to each other for 21 minutes then their neighbor calls them on their self centeredness and they unite against their neighbor and this teaches family values or some other bull shirt. Fox will not take the time to put out the best episodes. They will say, "Cut whatever will cause the least hate mail because I do not care about a funny program."

I genuinely think that this could hurt the show. I would rather have the show stop airing until the strike is worked out. The writers can come back and put in the finishing touches.

What makes this even worse is that the show has been surprisingly good this season (by good, I mean it's the most consistent and humorous in a decade). I, the most critical person of The Simpsons that I know, has started laughing regularly during episodes when, a couple years ago I spent most episodes waiting for something almost funny to happen, debating on giving a sympathy chuckle to Homer holding a pennant, deciding not to and crying myself to sleep again.

Fox, if the rest of this season is not up to the beginning of this season's standard, I WILL HOLD YOU RESPONSIBLE!

I know that one guy that doesn't watch your stupid network outside of watching The Simpsons and reruns of The Simpsons on my local network affiliate doesn't count as a worthwhile threat, but I will be seriously pissed off. DO NOT MAKE ME ANGRY!

Also, I'm worried that this will force people to watch reality television and I don't want it regaining any ground.

Daylight Saving Time Still Retarded

2007-11-03T18:53:00.001-04:00

No further information at this time.

HARD CORE NUDITY!

2007-11-02T10:34:00.000-04:00

The following cities have something in common. See if you can figure out what it is.

Manama Al Manamah, Bahrain
Helsinki, "as in Sweden." "Finland."
Montreal, Canada
London, England
Reston, Virginia, USA

Take your time. This should be easy. Give up?

Four google searches, and one AOL search, for "animal penises" brought people from those cities to this blog. People are coming (heh) here because they think I may help fulfill their animal penis needs.

I don't know what to say about this. If I knew why these people were searching for animal penises, I could understand this. As such, I must admit that I assume the worst and the beastiality fetishists have discovered my blog.

In case you're wondering, I wrote about animal penises once. A sexual education video I saw in grade school featured a section about a child asking a zookeeper of all people about sex.

Turner Classic Movies in October (Part 4)

2007-10-26T15:05:00.000-04:00

I'm not doing this this week. I still haven't watched everything from last week and I'm somewhat burned out. Kind of a shame because zombie and Roger Corman movies all day. Zombies fighting nazis and I'm not in the mood? What is wrong with me?

Turner Classic Movies in October (part 3)

2007-10-18T13:48:00.002-04:00

I'll admit that last Friday was pretty disappointing, but I'm going to go ahead with this anyway. There are a couple that I really want to see, a few I expect to like. The rest of them are probably entertaining at best. At the very least, I expect a higher average rating than last week. Maybe less than the first Friday, but I'm not holding my breath.

Also, they are showcasing Tod Browning but not showing Dracula? I understand that everyone with a moderate desire to watch film has seen Dracula. I understand that they might as well expose people to something new. Whatever. It's Dracula.

The Brain That Wouldn't Die (1962)
Synopsis: Doctor that is clearly based on Frankenstein decaptitates girlfriend in car accident. He saves her head and searches for a body to transplant.

Review: First of all, TCM apparently showed the cut version of this. Sup wit dat? It is my understanding that the extra 12 minutes contains a fair amount of violence. I know where I can find this online and shall watch it. It is public domain apparently. So get off my back FBI!

This movie is obviously an unofficial precursor to Re-Animator. I know Re-Animator is based on a short story, but this is so similar. They have the same obsessive doctor. They have the same bad acting. They have the same overtly sexual concepts. They have the same super violence. If the director of Re-Animator never saw this, I'd be amazed.

This movie is way more sexual than anything else I've seen from the time period (filmed in 1959, released in 1962). They never explicitly mention sex. They never use double entendres or even innuendo. The dialogue is obviously talking about sex a lot though.

Here is a sample of dialogue that represents the movie. Note that this is not exact dialogue, but it's the gist of a scene from about five minutes in.

Doctor: Hello, soon to be decapitated girlfriend.
Girl: Just touching you makes me crazy. Please kiss me and continue driving me crazy.
Doctor: Oh yeah!
Girl: Once we are married, you can drive me crazy all of the time.
Doctor father: I do not approve of this. (By the way, he's there the entire scene)

You can see that it's obviously about sex. What makes it even more sexual is the delivery. Even if they were talking about literally being driven insane, I would assume it was about sex because of the way everything by the girl is said.

Once the girl gets her head cut off, it gets even more sexual. The doctor looks for a body to transplant to her head. He find two curvy female friends of his and visits an apparently swinsuit category only beauty pangeant for equally curvy women in his search. He is reminded of a girl he went to college with that has "the best body (his friend has) ever seen." This woman is naturally a model and is first shown on screen posing in a bikini. The sexual nature of her work is heavily implied.

I don't want to forget the music that plays under every scene with a woman in it. It ranks somewhere between generic 50s music (think Beaver's record club) and stripper music. It comes across as really sleazy and funny.

Let's not forget the overt violence in this movie. While TCM didn't show it, somone got their arm ripped off because that armless body didn't magically appear. Also, there is the fact that a talking disembodied head is one of the main characters.

Honestly, this movie is great in true B-movie fashion (didn't you read the part about this being a Re-Animator precursor?). It's pretty edgy with it's content, but has a decent enough story to go with it.

Also, the last line in the movie is "Why didn't you let me die?" Move over Johnny Got His Gun for moral the new king of moral analysis.

The Soul Of A Monster (1944)
I accidentally taped over the beginning of this. So, I didn't watch it.

I Bury The Living (1958)
Synopsis: A color coded system is used to mark plots in the cemetary. Black for the deceased and white for the empty, but reserved, plots. If the new cemetary chairman confuses the colors, he kills the person in real life...or does he?

Review: This is pretty much amazing. If you like The Twilight Zone, I expect you would like this as well. This predates The Twilight Zone, but it plays exactly like an episode if Rod Serling were given an hour and a half to work with. For all I know, The Twilight Zone did this plot because...hey, you can only have so many episodes about creepy dolls.

One thing that's kind of annoying is that it's very obvious that the cemetary manager is causing the deaths (even if it is unintentional and supernatural). There is no way this many coincidences could have happened. It's like a vampire movie. One person is convinced there's a vampire, but everyone else says, "These deaths can't be a vampire. It's got to be a coincidence. You're crazy." The audience knows it's the vampire though. In this, we all know those people can't be dying by coincidence.

So what does the main character do? Keep testing his theory. The first two deaths could be a coincidence. He tests his theory to be sure it is a coincidence and that person dies. No one believes him and he has to prove it by killing another person. Naturally, he has to keep proving it to people which means more people dying. At what point does he finally say, "I'm going to stop testing it and start being really careful how I mark the graves."

This is so good though. It's visually so nice watching the main character lose his mind as each death happens. If you get the chance, you really need to see this.

There is a really stereotypical Scottish guy in the movie. He's actually called Scotty. So, that's kind of amusing.

The Tomb Of Ligeia (1964)
Synopsis: Vincent Price's new wife is possessed by the spirit of his old wife...or is she?

Review: Roger Corman directs Vincent Price in an Edgar Allan Poe story. What else do you need to know? If you've seen one of the many movies meeting these three criteria, you probably know what to expect.

The Abominable Dr. Phibes (1971)
Synopsis: Doctors couldn't save Vincent Price's wife. He uses the 10 biblical plagues as a basis for his revenge on the doctors

Review: This is really good. This is up there with The Last Man On Earth and House On Haunted Hill as far as Vincent Price movies go. This might even be his best.

This is able to pull off having goofy humor in a horror movie without being stupid. This movie could easily have been made without the campiness, but I'm so glad it wasn't. I would have missed the humor and the great set design had this been filmed straight.

When Hollywood inevitably remakes, it will be a pure horror movie. It will not be as good though. It will rely too heavily on Saw style crappiness when it's obvious that Saw got it's start right here with Dr. Phibes.

I have a few parts I want to mention because the are so hilarious.

A man gets stabbed by a brass unicorn (don't ask). The horn on the unicorn is threaded like a screw. To get the body off of the horn, the body needs to be spun around. All you can see is the legs rotating behind part of a wall.

My other favorite part involves a detective talking with a possible victims. He asks the doctor if he's considered the death of a first born as the plague meant for him. The doctor says that his older brother is all ready dead. A couple of seconds goes by before the detective says, "What about your son?" How stupid did the doctor have to be to not consider this option?

Dementia 13 (1963)
Synopsis: A girl's boyfriend dies, but she can't get his inheritence without him. She lies about him going out of town and visits the family. The family is obsessed with the death of a girl several years earlier. Oh yeah...there are also some MURDERS!

Review: This is surprisingly good. It's nothing spectacular, but it works exactly how it's supposed to. The whole thing is relatively creepy throughout and the intended scary parts are relatively scary. So, I mark that as a pretty positive review even if I don't really have much to say about it.

It's an early film by Francis Ford Coppola though. That makes it interesting enough to be worth your time.

Berserk! (1967)
Synopsis: Murder at the circus! Whodunit?

Review: Do you know how to tell if a movie is awesome? A tightrope breaks and somehow wraps around a tightrope walker's neck hanging him while he was walking on it. Forget the fact that anyone could have escaped this. Forget the fact that this is impossible in the first place. Watch the movie and be completely entertained by the grandiosity of it all.

I should feel bad for liking this as much as I did, but I don't give a care. This was great and had everything I love about B movies. This is the definition of so bad it's good.

One of my favorite things about the movie is the ending. The last three minutes are so crammed with information and there is no real resolution. The killer reveals herself, reveals motive, runs away, gets struck by lightning and the screen fades to black. The last shot is Joan Crawford holding her daughter's presumably dead body. It's so quick that it's unnerving.

I do want to know one thing: Where are all of the freaks? This should have had more than one bearded lady and a dwarf. I'm not asking for the movie Freaks, but come on. Give me something.

Scream Of Fear (1961)
I didn't watch this I guess?

Die! Die! My Darling! (1965)
Also didn't watch this?

Mark Of The Vampire (1935)
Synopsis: Vampire is terrorizing the area...or is he?

Review: This was a decent movie I guess. I had trouble paying attention to it. I wasn't really doing anything, but I couldn't focus. Maybe I was all high or something.

The ending is pretty much totally unpredictable. It is so unpredictable that I promise to give you $1,000,000 (US) if you figure it out before it happens. Note that this promise is void on Earth and not on Earth.

Freaks (1932)
Synopsis: Love in the time of microcephaly.

Review: I didn't watch this. I've seen it before. It's pretty horrific as it is a showcase of physical deformity and little else. It does make a small effort to be politically correct, but never really does it.

The Devil-Doll (1936)
Synopsis: Man can shrink people and make them into living dolls. He is also a cross dresser to hide his identity as a prison escapee. He is really innocent and uses his dolls to prove his innocence.

Review: This had pretty good effects for the time. I wasn't paying too much attention because I don't know. I guess I was kind of bored. The audience is let in on the old lady actually being the prison breaker, but it was pretty obvious after about 1 second when I said, "That's a manly looking woman." I may watch this again someday and actually pay attention next time.

London After Midnight (1927)
Synopsis: I don't know. I stopped watching after about two minutes

Review: This is a recreation of a lost movie. They use still pictures and dialogue cards because the original movie was destroyed in a fire. I'm sure the original was great, but I don't like Lon Chaney enough to sit through this. Lon Chaney looked pretty cool in this though.

The Unknown (1927)
Synopsis: Lon Chaney is an armless killer...or is he?

Review: This is pretty good in spite of everything terrible about it. The dialogue cards are horribly written and provide some laughs despite being about a woman falling in love and her obsessive secret admirer that also killed her father.

The plot, while decent enough, has some really strange moments. Since Lon Chaney is pretending to have no arms, he realizes the woman he loves will find out about his arms if they got married. So he blackmails a surgeon to cut them off.

Lon Chaney has some great scenes in here like when he finds out Joan Crawford loves someone else. His face is so great.

Turner Classic Movies in October (Part 2)

2007-10-12T20:13:00.001-04:00

Aargh! Had to work this mornin, but I taped most the movies. Watched the evening movies first and the afternoon movies second. Presenting them in original airing order though 'cause I'm livin' like Thanksgivin'!

These are all B-movies so take that into consideration. Also, spoilers

The Wild, Wild Planet (1965)
Synopsis: Woman and clones are shrinking people in the future. But for what purpose?

Review: Two things: This movie is badly dubbed from Italian and it has the original Django Franco Nero.

The best thing I can say about this is that it has some great sets. Everything looks really 60s in the campiest way possible. The Italians were apparently struggling to get a keen grasp on special effects. There are scenes that would have looked at home 30 years earlier.

Overall, the movie itself was just okay. It is, according to my research, part of a quadrilogy which I will not be watching the rest of.

From The Earth To The Moon (1958)
Synopsis: A man has developed the most powerful explosive ever called Power X. Obviously, it must be used to go to the moon. Once they are in space, the ship is sabotaged. Based on Jules Verne.

Review: I'm pretty indifferent about this one. I could take it or leave it. It has some mildly interesting thoughts on war which are essentially the same thing as Nobel's ideas about dynamite (the ultimate weapon will end war).

It's interesting that this movie was started so late in RKO's demise that they couldn't even release it. Warner Brothers did when RKO simply didn't have the funds left.

The Thing From Another World (1951)
Synopsis: Arctic researchers find a UFO. Alien inside is made of plants and kills off the researchers.

Review: Didn't watch it 'cause I seen it several times before. This is a good one, but John Carpenter's The Thing is approximately 10 times better.

Forbidden Planet (1956)
Synopsis: A crew from the United Planet Federation, or something like that, visits Altair IV to check on the colony started 20 years ago.

Review: To get it out of the way, Robby the Robot and Leslie Nielsen are in this. How can you go wrong?

This is the proof that visual effects and a hot girl don't save movies [Trasnformers(sic), I am looking at you]. That said, can enhance a movie [Trasnformers(sic), I am looking at you again]. This movie would have been good without those two things, but they pushed this into greatness. Well, the special effects did. The woman not so much, but she was good lookin'.

Forbidden Planet is smart enough to use the right amount of phony science. Normally movies that can't explain something skip explanation because it takes place in the distant future where mystical gadgets are a dime a dozen. Or they overexplain it forgetting that people don't really care beyond going, "They have a what?" This is science-y enough to satiate our curiosity, but doesn't bog us down while we're trying to watch monsters and women in miniskirts (Anne Francis was pretty hot in 1956).

Visually this movie is so amazing. The sets and special effects are better than anything else from the time period. I hadn't seen this in 10 or more years and I was surprised how much I remembered.

My only problem is the comedy elements that feel, because they were, tacked on by the studios. This could have been a straight sci-fi moral tale. That extra crap really wasn't needed.

See this. For the visuals alone this is worth it, but it would be one of the best of the genre even without them.

The Invisible Boy (1957)
Synopsis: A boy befriends a robot from his father's work. The robot turns him invisible. After this point, I stopped paying attention. It got too stupid for me. The computer needed some code for a rocket or something?

Review: This is exactly the kind of movie a child would write. The dialogue sounds like something a child thinks adults act. The story is similar to something a child would love. No fully logical, thinking adult could have written this.

Instead of reviewing this, I'll describe a few scenes.

A man brings his son to work to look at a robot from the future. The man explains that no one has been able to put the robot together since bringing it back from the future. He leaves his son alone with the robot and a screwdriver. The robot is now functional. Boy shows robot to scientists. Scientists either do not notice robot or are unaware of how amazing this is. Boy's mother confuses robot with a door to door salesman of some sort.

Boy turns invisible thanks to robot's help. Boy's parents are not curious as to how he turned invisible. They are not worried about this happening. Boy admits that he is their son. His voice is obviously recognizable. The only convincing evidence for the father is, despite being invisible, his uncombed hair.

As ridiculous as those scenes are, the dialogue in those scenes make them even worse.

Miss Canfield (from Leave It To Beaver) and Robby The Robot (from Forbidden Planet) are in it though. No, still not worth your time.

20,000 Leagues Under The Sea (1954)
Synopsis: Squid attacks sub and it's totally cool looking. Captain Nemo tries to make the world peaceful through powerful sub I think. I don't remember because I haven't seen this in 20 years.

Review: I didn't watch this. I had to work this mo'nin' and would have ran out of tape had I tried to record it. I seen this before as a kid and it was pretty awesome back then. I assume Kirk Douglas overacts like crazy.

The Satan Bug (1965)
Synopsis: The deadliest germ EVAR known as The Satan Bug is housed in this hemisphere's most secret germ warfare plant. Oh no! It's missing!

Review: I was hoping for one of two things in this movie: A cheesy 60s version of The Stand or a cheesy disease that creates some kind of vicious monster. Instead I got a decently suspense movie about germ warfare. There is a slight hint of cheese, but that's due to age more than badness.

This could easily have been a solid suspense movie. It was almost too far ahead of it's time to get a budget and script it deserves. The average person probably wasn't worried enough about germ warfare to make anything but a B-movie about it.

Supposedly Charlton Heston was approached to play the lead and I'm not surprised. I can see him play it.

Homicidal (1961)
Synopsis: Emily is creeping everyone out and is a murderess. Warren won't let anyone slander the loverly Emily. Will Emily keep up his murdering ways? Wait, did I just ruin the movie?

Review: The next four movies are all directed by William Castle. This guy was the king of movie gimmicks like shocks under seats or skeletons being brought out during appropriate scenes in the theatre. He did House On Haunted Hill which is maybe my favorite 1950s B-Movie. So, yeah. My hopes are up.

This one is all right IF you stick with it to the end. The beginning is good, but not great. The next 70 minutes is off putting in a Carnival Of Souls kind of way. It's the last five minutes that make this movie. They are seriously ahead of their time in terms of content. They are also the only truly scary minutes of the movie. Whatever you do, don't leave with five minutes left like the movie tells you to do.

Yes. The movie actually stops, puts a clock on the screen, and, through the power of voice over, tells you to leave if you are too scared. Apparently this worked on a few people, but the movie hasn't been remotely scary for about 70 minutes. So, why were people leaving?

The last five minutes are genuinely kind of frightening in a William Castle kind of way. It also has a pretty amazing ending that is mostly unpredictable. Screw it. I'm going to spoil it for you. Emily is really a man that is really a woman.

Huh? Yeah, I swear it makes sense even if totally preposterous. I mean Warren's dad never knew the truth? I mean, did you see the kid that played Warren possibly being a girl? Really? Also, could that have been worse dubbing? Really?

Seriously this is decent if you make it to the end even if it becomes Psycho ripoff territory.

Straight-Jacket (1964)
Synopsis: Joanie Crawford took an axe and gave her husband forty whacks. When she saw what she had done, she was put in an asylum for 20 years. After leaving the asylum, she stays with her daughter and starts murdering again!...or does she?

As a side note, I love that a lot of these movies can have "...or does she/he/it?" in the synopsis and be relevant.

Review: Pure campy genius from William Castle. This one really works and has some pretty good frightening moments. Of course, Joan Crawford as an axe wielding, serial killing decapitation machine pretty much directs itself.

I'd really like to watch this one again knowing what I know now which is to say there is a twist. I pretty much just ruined the entire movie for you because there is only one logical twist in the movie. I honestly didn't see it coming because the whole thing seemed pretty straight ahead: Joan Crawford is deemed healthy enough for the outside world, but isn't. The clues all come together nicely in the end and aren't too far fetched.

The only obvious clue I noticed was the killer wearing a Joan Crawford mask. I chalked this up to being a stunt person doing the work and a mask was needed to hide it though. Guess that shows me. The scene where Joan Crawford is wrestling with the real killer is pretty weird looking because they are dressed the same and the killer is wearing the mask.

My favorite scene, other than Joan Crawford wrestling with a woman (heh, lesbians), is Joan Crawford lighting a match on a record while it's playing. It ranks in the top five ways to light a match other than on your beard stubble.

Look for a really early incident of product placement. Joan Crawford was a board of director for Pepsi and the doctor in the movie worked for Pepsi. There were some obviously placed bottles of Pepsi Co. brand cola in one scene.

I'd feel bad if I didn't mention two more small things. The opening credits are cool and the Columbia logo is shown at the end of the movie with it's head chopped off.

13 Ghosts (1960)
Synopsis: HA HA HA. Family inherits house from long lost uncle. It's haunted. This is so unoriginal that Robert Osborne made fun of it during his introduction.

Review: This movie is lame. Imagine every haunted house cliché stuffed into one movie. They should have called it Horr0r by Numb3rs. Let's go through the list:

Creepy Housekeeper (played by The Wicked Witch of the West)? Check.
Ouija board planchette moves by itself? Check
Household objects fly around of strings? Check
Painting of deceased relative hanging over fireplace? Check
Woman falls in love with man because they are the only unmarried adults in the movie? Check
Evil person gets comeuppance by the ghosts he is trying to control? Check.
Someone asks if the ghosts will hurt them and something falls exactly where the person was standing? Check.

The only thing going for this one wasn't even used by TCM (I'm not 100% positive that it could have been technologically shown on television). It was originally presented in "Illusion-O." It used some kind of glasses technology that made the ghosts appear or disappear depending on which lens you looked through. To signify when to put on the glasses, the on screen characters put on stupid looking glasses themselves. This would have made the movie interesting to figure out how it worked even though I think I know all ready.

This really plays like a bad episode of Scooby-Doo. Wait a second...Scooby-Doo? 13 Ghosts? The 13 Ghosts Of Scooby-Doo starring Vincent Price? Coincidence? I don't think so.

Seriously, don't waste your time.

The Tingler (1959)
Synopsis: A bug lives on our spinal cord that feeds on fear. This bug is called The Tingler. If a person screams, The Tingler is neutralized for some reason. Oh yeah, doctors have not discovered this bug before even though it is the size of a human forearm. Seriously.

Review: How did this get green lit? Didn't someone look over that premise?

I have nothing against using gimmicks to make a movie more engrossing, but don't use them as a crutch which is exactly what William Castle seemed to do. If he had spent money on developing the script instead of developing gimmicks, he could have made some more good movies. I'll admit that this one was a pretty good gimmick though: buzzers on random seats that go off during the right moment.

The right moment being when Vincent Price tells the theatre audience, as there is actually one in the movie, to scream to prevent The Tingler from getting them. Wow! Talk about breaking the fourth wall.

There is a good scene though. Vincent Price injects someone with a hallucinogen or something. Her husband uses some stuff to freak her out to kill her. Everything is black and white accept for the blood in the sink and bathtub. Also, he has a hilariously fake death certificate printed up that says in big letters "Cause of Death: FRIGHT."

At least Vincent Price is in it.

Next week features the work of Tod Browning (Freaks) and some monster movies. Some nice lookin' stuff and I can't wait.

Fuck Curly Fries

2007-10-08T18:52:00.000-04:00

I'm in my car, feeling safest of all, eating fries. I hate doing this with curly fries though.

Actually, I hate eating in my car period. It significantly increases the odds of a collision. I blame work though. I don't have time to eat anywhere that isn't fast food. I don't even have time to eat at the restaurant. I can't leave the fries in my car while I drive back to work to eat or french fry stink will fill up my car. I digress...

I am eating curly fries while driving. There is always a really long one that gets caught on another one. It starts to pull the fries out to the precarious point of almost...almost...almost falling out of the container. One of them occasionally does fall either into my lap or worse: under the seat.

That is so infuriating.

This rarely happens with french fries. It can happen, but then it is the fault of the eater due to excessive tipping of the container. It is the fault of the curly fries, not necessarily the eater, when they fall. There is a subtle art to eating french fries while driving that I have mastered, but curly fries have no art behind them. I can not control or predict the interweaving of the curly fries when placed in my carton negating my artistry. This is why I am calling for a state wide ban on curly fries.

Though this is a problem with any restaurant serving curly fries, I am looking squarely at Arby's (wait, is there an apostrophe in Arby's or is it Arbys? I'm thinking Arby's). (Double wait. Apostrophe is a cool looking word. It looks like it should be pronounced "uh-poss-trof"). The Arby's near work, and presumably many others, went all curly fries within the last six months. I can not abide such a discrepancy.

Arby's curly fries aren't all that great anyway. Their french fries weren't good either. In fact, they were worse than their curly fries. Triple wait. They were purposefully making their french fries bad so that they only had to make one type of fry. I can't believe I realized this only now. I'm onto you Arby's Unit#07013. You have made a powerful enemy today. A powerful enemy indeed. Believe that. Or, if Martin Lawrence is reading this: B'lee dat.

This is not the only reason to FUCK curly fries (figuratively). Cleanliness of my car is important, but of equal importance is tastiness of my mouth.

Somewhere someone decided that restaurants that serve both curly fries and french fries need one more distinction. Curly fries must be seasoned and french fries must be unseasoned (salt excluded). With only curly fries as an option at Arby's, I have no option for unseasoned fries. HELLO! Catsup does not go with seasoned fries nearly as well as unseasoned fries. Everyone knows this.

Side note: I am not using catsup while eating and driving. The messiness factor of dipping fries while driving is trebled. The danger for collisions increases so much that it is literally OFF THE CHARTS! (See picture below) I can only eat fries while driving by using one hand to tip the container toward me while using other hand to steer. Also, try to do this only while stopped until you are a master like myself.

My solution: make french fries in the seasoned and unseasoned variety. This way we have both options without the unspeakable horror of curly fries in my lap. Since Arby's french fries all ready suck, I say steal Hardee's fries recipe (quadruple wait. Hardee's with or without apostrophe?). No, scratch that. Arby's should serve only baked potato flavored Tato Skins because they are awesome.

If such a plan is implemented, my prediction: EXTRY EXTRY! ARBY'S SERVES TATO SKINS INSTEAD OF FRIES! DAVID SIBLEY ELECTED PRESIDENT OF ARBY'S! GETS RID OF ALL THINGS JAMOCHA AND BRINGS IN BANANA SHAKES! HAT LOGO RETURNS TO PROMINENCE! HANDS ACROSS AMERICA PROCLAIMED STUPID BY ALL!*

*The Hands Across America is unrelated to the Tato Skins article, but was considered important enough to help sell papers.

Dear Cubs

2007-10-06T21:41:00.001-04:00

Thank you for getting out of the post season as fast as possible. Getting my hopes up to lose in game five would have sucked so much more than getting swept 3-0 in the series.

If you aren't going to play like you deserve being in the playoffs, why get there in the first place?

Turner Classic Movies in October (Part 1)

2007-10-05T12:26:00.000-04:00

They are showing old horror movies every Friday this month. I plan on watching all the good ones and most of the bad ones unless I've seen them before. I don't know which genre of films I like more: 1950s B-horror or animals killin' people movies.

By the way, I am lame enough to spend every Friday for a month, should I get them off of work, watching old horror movies. Besides, it's how I spent my Fridays thanks to MonsterVision on TNT.

I'll just keep updating this as I watch them today. So far:

The Vampire (1957)
Synopsis:
Doctor mistakes experimental vampire pills for his migraine pills. He becomes addicted to them and kills EVERY TIME HE TAKES THEM! Oh no!

Review:
Pretty good overall. I think they tried to hide the doctor taking the wrong medicine the first time, but it was so obvious. We're talking 1950s horror movies though so predictable is part of what makes it great. Also, it uses that cheap effect where they keep using soft cuts to make it look like he's morphing into a vampire like in the old Wolf Man movie.

The Return Of Dracula (1958)
Synopsis: Stereotypical perfect 1950s family has European relative visit. He hates mirrors and crosses and stays up really late. A vampire is terroring the town. One can only assume these are unrelated events. I guess the vampire hypnotized some girl to kill people. I wasn't paying attention to the beginning.

Review:
I wish I had been watching the beginning more, but I was making a frozen pizza and doing laundry. This one seems like it would have been pretty creepy (relatively) had I watched from the beginning.

Fortunately, it's 1950s horror and I can jump right in at any point and figure it all out in 30 seconds (like a Pixar movie). They didn't hide the fact that he was a vampire at all. His was European AND named Bellac Gordal. The only way to make it more obvious is give him fangs and name him Dr. Acula Nosferatu.

One thing that was creepy was the main girl having different colored eyes in real life according to IMDB. It still showed up in black and white which made her hypnosis seem even cooler.

There was one color scene for about 3 seconds. When they stab some girl in the heart to prove her vampirism, it goes to color just to show the blood pour out of her. It was pretty shocking even though the blood was super orangey.

Also, it's surprising how much more people were willing to accept violence at this point. The Vampire used the "let's have everything happen off screen through shadow" horror. The Return Of Dracula went for the gore. Maybe The Vampire didn't have the money for blood, but I think it was increasing lenience toward violence.

Dead Men Walk (1943)
Synopsis:
I don't really know what happened. Some dead guy shows up and disappears right when the (possible) main guy tries to shoot him. I guess he was a vampire because this was on in the middle of six other vampire movies. A young couple decides they are in love because it's an old horror movie and that always happens. That's all I remember from the first 25 minutes. It was so boring I turned it off.

Review:
This one sucked. Read synopsis

The Vampire Bat (1933)
Synopsis:
Local crazy person is a vampire...or is he? He isn't. It's the doctor.

Review:
It's a horror movie from 1933. Suprise! Fay Wray is in it because she played the sexy dame in every 1933 horror movie as far as I can tell. This is okay, but Fay Wray was in three other horror movies 1933 that were better than this.

The crazy person really looks like he's supposed to be a vampire. If you showed me a screen cap of Herman, I'd assume he was supposed to be playing Renfield in something. Of course, the audience is in on it the entire time, but you don't figure out why until the doctor reveals his Frankenstein style vampire.

My favorite part is the evil doctor has a bottle marked both Poison AND Sleeping Tablets. So which is it?

The Last Man On Earth (1964)
Synopsis:
Vincent Price is the last man on earth after a plague turns everyone into sort of vampires. Price spends every daylight hour killing vampires and preparing for night time. It's based on the book I Am Legend.

Review:
I lurved this movie because there isn't another vampire movie like it. EVERYONE is a vampire and it's not exciting. Vincent Price has turned killing vampires into a tedious job. It's the same thing day in and day out. Stock supplies and kill vampires at day. Get home before dark. Since he's the only person left, what else is there to do?

I don't want to spoil this for you, but he finds another person and it changes everything. Oh yeah, don't read that unless you want it spoiled. Seriously, everything changes after meeting the other person. It's not some lame love story, but it looks at everything differently.

The only problem I have is the vampires themselves. They are a cross between normal vampires and zombies. Modern zombies hadn't really been invented yet and normal vampires would have been too smart for Vincent Price. I can see why Matheson wrote it this way, but it makes the vampires really seem stupid.

It confirms that I need to make a post-apocalyptic miniseries. I'd definitely make one that was awesome, but most people wouldn't sit through it. The first few episodes would be ~~boring~~ a look at how life as the last person alive really would be. So, someone give me a lot of money to make it.

I've wanted to read this for a long time, but I NEVER see the book for sale. Now I want to read it even more. I can really see this being even cooler to read.

My Son The Vampire (1944)
I don't like horror comedy so I didn't watch this.

Return Of The Vampire (1944)
I was watching The Simpsons and missed the beginning. Someone named David is on Jeopardy! right now. Go David! By the way, he won.

Curse Of The Demon (1958)
Synopsis:
Dr. John Holden, the professional skeptic, goes to England. A cult leader gives him a parchment with some runes on it. The parchment calls a demon that will kill him on October 28 at 10:00pm. Skeptic doesn't believe it until everyone beats him over the head with the truth. Does he survive? DOES HE SURVIVE?

Review:
NOTE: This is apparently the US version which is 12 minutes shorter than the English version. I don't know why TCM did this, but whatever. I don't know what's in the longer "Night Of The Demon" version, but I suspect it might have helped. It would have allowed some breathing room most likely.

There are two types of good 50s horror movies. The actually good ones and the slightly campy fun ones. This is the former. It's suspenseful and completely packed with plot right up to the end (thanks to editing?).

You can see that this director knew how to make things suspensful without resorting to showing the monster for shock value. In fact, the biggest fault I have with this movie is the demon itself. So, why ruin the suspense? The producer put it in the film without the director's knowledge. Way to ruin it, jerkface.

The next three movies tonight are from the same director and I'm really excited about them now. I probably won't be watching the final one until tomorrow after work though.

Cat People (1942)
Synopsis:
Serbian girl thinks she might be a were-cat. Giving into her emotions will cause the change. How will she ever do the horizontal mambo with her husband? It doesn't matter. He leaves her.

Review:
This is technically horror, but it's kind of strange. It's almost all psychological for the main character; not the audience. The main character can't let her emotions get the best of her or she'll go all were-cat. This isn't easy to film and be interesting. This director was able to pull it off really well.

Honestly, I could have watched this without the horror elements. If the whole thing were the self-inflicted psychological torture, it would still have been interesting. Internal monologues don't translate well on film and this director knew how to do it right.

Fortunately, he was able to handle the horror just as well. He didn't rely on gore like ~~crappy~~ modern horror directors. Everything is lighting and shadow and editing and sound.

There's a pool scene where the girl becomes a were-cat. All you see is a woman in a pool and the reflection of the water on the wall getting dark and light. It's pretty good even if a little nonsensical because why didn't the woman see the were-cat? Why didn't she see the were-cat? It's still kind of scary, but it doesn't make sense.

The reason the were-cat thinks she might be one is some local Serbian legend about someone named Marmaduke ruling Serbia. When they kicked Marmaduke out, it allowed every to be free. I kept laughing because I think getting rid of Marmaduke from the newspaper would make everyone happy, too.

Finally, Simone Simon, the were-cat, is also cute as a button in this. I think she's supposed to be sexy, but she's really more cute than sexy (though she is in a 1940s way).

I Walked With A Zombie (1943)
Synopsis:
A nurse gets called to a tropical island. She is supposed to take care of a crazy person that went into a coma...or is the person a zombie?

Review:
This one is not nearly as good as Cat People. It's okay because it's a totally different setting than normal horror movies. That's kind of it's flaw, too. It's a bit too calypso for my tastes. Other than the end, this never really did anything for me. It's still well done, but it's never great.

Zombies are significantly different than the Romero style zombies from the 1960s. First of all, the titular zombie is really just in some kind of a coma except she can walk around. Except you're never 100% sure if she's a zombie. Some woman claims she is at the end, and everyone says that it's impossible.

The Leopard Man (1943)
Synopsis:
Man rents leopard for a publicity stunt. Leopard gets away and starts killing people...or is it a serial killer pretending to be a leopard?

Review:
This is another good one from Jaques Tourneur (fourth one in a row). It's pretty suspenseful and shows absolutely nothing. I think I liked it a little bit more than I Walked With A Zombie, but not nearly as much as Cat People.

One thing about this director is he doesn't let too much explanation get in the way. He sets the stage with a minimal amount of information regarding the magical elements and lets the plot/direction take it from there. In Cat People, he pretty much went with, "Let's assume that people can turn into cats because there's a local legend in Serbia" instead of explaining everything about the history.

That's it until next Friday (oh please let me get it off). So far I've loved this other than Dead Men Walk. Next week has some nice sci-fi/space movies that I want to see, or resee in some cases.

I might be done with The Office forever now.

2007-10-04T21:47:00.000-04:00

He drove into a fucking lake. Seriously? At what point did the writers stop laughing at how ridiculous that idea was and decide to go with it?