I always mean to update this thing but don't anymore.

That's a roundabout way of saying I'm still conceited enough to think complete strangers want to read the intimate details of my life; I'm not conceited enough to use Twitter though. If you one the kind of person hanging on by a thread waiting to live vicariously through my thoughts on breakfast cereal or whatever, who knows when I'll update again if ever. You should probably just come back every few months and maybe I will have updated hours of hilarious comments (y'all ever notice eating Golden Crisp makes yer pee smell like Golden Crisp? True story) or maybe I won't have written anything...because I'm dead and I can't update from beyond the graaaaaaaave. Either way, you may want to find someone else through which you can live vicariously because, well, I'm not especially interesting.

Remember that part where I said I mean to update this thing but don't really do it? Here are some things that I had considered writing about but didn't. Or maybe I started to and never finished. I was going to. I swear but then I realized I had something extremely important such as counting the number of times I fart in a day (record is probably 100+ but that is a story for another day).

That new g. i. joe movie came out. Couldn't bring myself to watch it. Don't get me wrong. I can still judge it harshly and do. It's not G. I. Joe to me and I knew it wouldn't be. Based on everything I've heard, I would have cried, written angry letters to everyone involved in its making, or just punched the first person I saw. Probably not the best idea to see it. Am I getting mature enough to realize I shouldn't waste my time with movies that I know are a waste of time? Maybe.

Guys should not wear a red or maroon shirt with black suits. If you are one of the guys doing it, please stop. I know you saw someone wear it and it looked classy matched with a black tie. Oh god, it was not classy. It was the tackiest look that I've actually seen a person wear. If you want to look like a low level mobster, even then don't do it. In fact, don't even buy a red/maroon dress shirt. You can get so much more mileage out of almost any other color.

Actually, scratch that. I would allow a maroon shirt if, and only if, you were upgrading from a black shirt/black suit combination. Oh my word what a terrible idea that is. I know that "everything goes with black" so "how can I lose?" seems to make sense. It so does not with suits. It makes the tie stick out too much unless you're wearing a black tie with the black shirt and suit and since Johnny Cash is dead, welp. So help me god if you wear a red tie with a black suit and shirt.

I am offically offering to pee in the face of anyone that works for a mortgage company because mortgage companies are the worst for real. US Bank employees are always guaranteed a spot in the front of the line because fuck a US Bank. Related note: parents are usually not terrible.

I Love You, Beth Cooper? More like I loathe you, Beth Cooper. I had an actually funny idea for this post format-wise that resulted in my legit "laughing out loud" as the kids say. I will never finish that post mostly due to not being remotely timely anymore.

A dudemeister supreme got married a few weeks back and I never commented on it. Probably the most fun I had in a while. Also, the hottest I have ever been in my life (both physical appearance and wedding was held on surface of sun [citation needed] which is extremely warm).

The Sega CD is awesome. Anyone claiming otherwise is dumb and probably never played one. This was going to be a really long post and I'm kind of lazy (AKA really lazy). Never got around to it (AKA too busy playing Sega CD, you sucker chumps).

There was a bunch of other stuff I was going to write about and mayhap I will someday. So, for now, take with you the things you just read. They will help you make it through the hard times. Remember when there was only one set of footprints? That's when my thoughts on maroon shirts were carrying you.