2009 Movies In Review

I didn't watch nearly the amount of movies this year as I normally do. I opted instead to watch movies I really wanted to see instead of wasting my time.

As usual, not listing movies I saw that were released outside of the USA in years previous only for us to finally get it this year (Sorry, Ponyo). Also as usual, some bad computer shit went down and I lost the list I made of all the movies I saw. Basically, I don't remember everything I saw

If you didn't see these movies, you wasted your life:

• Where The Wild Things Are - Number of movies that respect children instead of saying "Ehh, it's just a movie for kids" includes this and Up.
• Watchmen - mayhap my favorite movie of the year. Why is Best Buy always out of the Ultimate Cut blu ray
• District 9 - Probably the best performance of the year is whoever starred in this. Also, movie is great.
• Moon - We get maybe one hard science fiction movie a decade. This is it.
• The Road - Feel good movie of the year!

Movies you really should see:

• Up - I legit cried during this at the part where he's looking at the book again.
• Inglourious Basterds - Quentin Tarantino's best movie because it didn't feel like Quentin Tarantino Tarantinoizing every shitty Japanese movie he'd ever seen since into a giant mess.
• Crank: High Voltage - Only reason this is not the best movie of the year is because it could never live up to the movie in my head. In some ways, it is more ridiculous but in other ways, it is not.
• Funny People - Don't go into this movie thinking it's a comedy because it's not a comedy. That is the key to starting to appreciate this movie.
• A Serious Man - We get maybe zero serious look at religion movies a decade that aren't Kirk Cameron saying, "Have you considered a change in your life?" This is it.
• Mega Shark Vs. Giant Octopus - The average person will probably not enjoy this but it is awesome for genre fans like me. I'd say it's almost worth watching just to see the cut to an extreme close up of Lorenzo Lamas saying, "Whooaa! What the?"

These are good but don't go out of your way:

• The Hangover - Probably the funniest movie of the year but only because Crank: High Voltage could never live up to my expectations.
• Paranormal Activity - I respect this more than I liked it but it didn't scare me. Maybe it will scare you.
• Avatar - Last Samurai remade by the people that made Delgo.

I guess these are good:

• The Men Who Stare At Goats - Movie was okay but not up to the standard of the cast or true life story.
• The Girlfriend Experience - This is one of those Steven Soderbergh "experimental" movies. That's about all you need to know. Also, STARS PORN STAR YOU'VE NEVER HEARD OF BECAUSE HOW MANY PORN STARS CAN YOU NAME!!!!!!!!!!!!!
• Friday The 13th - Better than Friday the 13th: Jason Takes Manhattan and Jason Goes To Hell. Worse than every other Friday the 13th.

Don't waste your time:

• Hotel For Dogs - There was one part that made me laugh and I don't even remember what was said. So, best part of movie is forgettable.
• I Love You, Beth Cooper - I technically didn't even watch this whole thing because I was running projection and wanted a movie I could miss bits of without feeling I had missed anything. I probably saw 90% of the first hour and 20 minutes and maybe five minutes of the last 20. Aaaaanyywaaaay, key to making a movie about a likeable zhlub is making him likeable instead of the worst character in the film.
• Ink - This was recommended to me via Netflix as a movie I would love (though it predicted a rating of "really liked it." The correct rating is that I turned it off after 20 minutes which is pretty bad because I have sat through some real crap just to say I watched it.
• The International - It's not that this movie is necessarily bad, it just never gets to be good.
• Confessions Of A Shopaholic - "Women be shoppin' WOMEN BE SHOPPIN' YA'LL CAN'T STOP A WOMAN FROM SHOPPING!" There is seriously one great moment in this movie. A homeless woman sings a couple lines of You're Breaking My Heart by Harry Nilsson for no reason and that is legit one of the best things ever this year.

Steve Tyler quit Aerosmith

Does this mean there will have one band that sounds exactly like Aerosmith and one band that sounds exactly like Aerosmith with an unpopular replacement singer? Which band will be worse?

When the best possible outcome of a situation is an Aerosmith reunion, just ugh.

EDIT: Steven Tyler back in Aerosmith. Guh.

Heh

Seeing Noble Roman's listed first on Yahoo's Top 15 Franchise Failures pretty much makes my day.

Who would have thought that a company that hires multiple crack addicts for managers wouldn't make it? Welp...

Hear Ye! Hear Ye!

Daylight Saving Time proclaimed crappy by all.


I'm sort of--only sort of, not completely--over hating Daylight Saving Time. I still hate it but it's not a true hatred it. It's more like "Oh yeah, I still hate it but who has the energy" kind of hatred which isn't really the same thing. What I do still hate is the argument "We're getting more daylight...a DOY!!!!!!!!" as if we could actually do that somehow.


What Daylight Saving Time actually is is trick people into thinking they are not getting up an hour earlier. That's all it is. Can we please just acknowledge this? Please?


Also, I love that we have decided to move Daylight Saving Time to after Halloween. The idea that we are kowtowing to candy companies in our legislation makes me extremely happy. We're only on Daylight Saving Time more than we're on standard time now. So, what's the big deal?

No reason to live

There is no more Chocolate Soldier nee Choc-ola in the world (well, most likely not) and, honestly, why should I bother going on in life?

Since I discovered that my life was an empty shell and that a chocolate beverage held more sway over me than most everything, I had been saving one bottle of Chocolate Soldier. I guess having it was a comfort in this hateful world where people can't even bother buying enough Choc-ola to keep it in production. Part of me always hoped that wanting Choc-ola back enough would simply cause production to start again [Lord knows calling the company wasn't going to help (I called once to confirm it wasn't in production. I'm not that lame to keep calling.)].

I wanted to save it for a special occasion like going into space to make it that much more awesome or if I were so depressed that literally nothing but the wonderful taste of Choc-ola could bring me back from the brink of despair. I didn't do that though. It expired 10/09 which meant today 10-31-09 was the last day I could possibly have it without it being potentially spoiled (this would be treason against myself).

So, I basically the last pure thing on Earth is gone and I have nothing but memories and the bottle. I guess I could hope for the scant possibility of stupid Cadbury (as last I heard owns Choc-ola but I'm not sure after the demerger) will sense the great injustice in the universe and pore all their energy into Choc-ola instead of disgusting Cadbury eggs. What reason do I have for going on in this horrible world?

Simpsons air a Treehouse of Horror before Halloween?

It happened!

Also it was really good. Probably the best Halloween episode in years. I would legit pay money to watch the third act in performed as a play.

So, this movie Paranormal Activity has been extremely popular at work (making up over 40% attendance some days). I figure I should mention that it is not scary. Remember in Blair Witch when you spent forever waiting for stuff to get scary and it would only get scary for about a minute before returning to being wholly unscary for another 10 minutes? It's exactly like that except that the scares are extremely predictable.

The first time they set up the camera in the bedroom, I said "Oh, so essentially all of the scares are going to happen in the hallway on the left side of the screen. It's going to try to scare me by doing the following things..." I didn't predict each specific scare but you know where it's going a few minutes before hand because jeez it's always really obvious to anyone that has seen a haunted house movie before.

For example, there is a Ouija board scene and guess how it ends. If you said that the planchette doesn't move of it's own accord (potentially demonically moved), then you are incorrect. It's filled with moments like that. It's not to say these moments aren't well done which, despite some weak acting and a couple story points, everything is well done. It's too easy to see where everything is going for anyone that is familiar with horror movies for this too work.

Because you demanded it

Marmaduke is becoming a movie. I literally could have been reading the comics this morning and not have come up with an idea this stupid.

I personally can't wait for the scene where Marmaduke, while wearing a trench coat and fedora, is coming out of the butcher shop with a string of sausages in his mouth and the veteran butcher says to the new butcher "I told you that customer looked suspicious." I also can't wait for the DVD in hopes that Joe Mathlete gets to do a commentary track.

Prediction on the first 30-45 seconds of the trailer: It will begin as a parody of whichever superhero movie is going to be big next summer (Iron Man 2 or something). It will probably be a close up of what we, the audience, believe to be a logo or the suit of said superhero. The announcer will say something like, "This summer, get ready for the greatest name in comic history."

Three second pause.

"Maaaaaaaaaaarmaduuuuuuuuuuuke!" yelled from extreme close up of mouth as it zooms out to reveal whoever plays Phil Winslow, Marmaduke's owner (I've considered that it may cut to two or three people yelling "Marmaduke" to indicate that Marmaduke, as we all know, angers a lot of people because he is a big dog.). I'm going to stick to the person yelling being none other than Phil Winslow because I suspect the "plot" of Marmaduke: The Movie will be similar to Beethoven.

Cue the song Papa's Got A Brand New Bag, I Got You (I Feel Good), Super Bad or some other upbeat James Brown song that isn't It's A Man's Man's Man's World or Say It Loud. The song may actually begin with a record scratch.

Marmaduke's head will appear from one of three hilarious locations: a big pile of sausages, a big pile of suds (most likely from a washing machine being overloaded with soap when Dottie tries to wash him), or from a hole in the ground that Marmduke himself has been digging.

At this point, the trailer will show the "funny" bits of the movie which will essentially be nothing more than a recreation of several Marmaduke dailies.

In all seriousness, does anyone enjoy Marmaduke?

By the way, this is my 420th post. BLAZE UP HOMIES! BECAUSE 420 MEANS GETTIN' HIGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The worst part about washing your mobile phone is...

knowing you will never get that score on Tetris back again. The inconvenience of not having a phone does not compare to the loss I feel.

Unrelated note: this article on The Onion is probably the best.

In case you are the only one who hadn't heard

bird is the word. Also...

Literally anyone worth a toss has been looking forward to the big release of that dumb movie 9 that ain't no we don't have a midnight show of the Beatle remasters today. Being worth at least two tosses, I preordered the mono box. I am pretty happy with it even though the outer box arrived in less than perfect shape.

I've been wanting the catalogue remastered for years and was tired of stupid stupid remixes to go with remasters. I skipped The Yellow Submarine "song"track completely despite having Hey Bulldog on it. I skipped Beatles Love. I skipped 1. I wanted what The Beatles had done instead of some doofus 30 years later saying, "How about we boost the bass a bit for some extra punch?"

Side note: I bought Let It Be...Naked despite being new mixes because it was "what the Beatles intended." It was actually further from what was originally intended being full of edits among other things. Across The Universe was pretty great on it though.

Anyway, I've been avoiding this whole remastered Beatles thing until I'd finally get what I want. I finally got it and it's pretty great thus far. The first thing to which I listened was one second of Day Tripper while I skipped to Hey Bulldog. My initial thoughts were "Yeah, this is better but I'm not blown away as promised." So, I went to the beginning of the mono version of Past Masters. Day Tripper, though is obviously corrected because there is no guitar drop out (there go the claims of not being remixed which burns me because, though it's probably technically better, I want the originals), and We Can Work It Out sounded fine and all. I still wasn't remastered, rediscovered The Beatles at all. Then the harmonies on Paperback Writer came on and changed my mind. I realized that I won't be in constant awe but it's the little bits that come to me that will hit me.

So far, I've only listened to Revolver all the way through (not the mono Pepper for some reason even though I've spent big bux just to get a mono version on a crumby bootleg). It's really awesome hearing stuff now that I wasn't really all that aware of before. The best description, for those that haven't all ready bought the remasters, is like listening to Loveless the first time and the next few times: the album isn't any different but you still hear it differently and it's suddenly way better.

I have a major gripe with the mono box though. Why include stereo versions of Help! and Rubber Soul? I'm glad to have them but DO THAT FOR EVERY ALBUM ORIGINALLY MIXED IN STEREO! Why didn't you include them all and have one giant box set. Just call it the definitive Beatles box or something stupid. I'd have all the albums right now instead of deciding on buying the stereo box or just the CDs not included in the mono box.

I'll also need the stereo white album (the stereo Pepper for all its speed differences can whatever all over the place for all I care). I can live with the minor differences in mixing between the mono and stereo versions (different bird sounds on blackbird is blasphemy dude!!!!!!!!!!). I need to have the full length, inferior mix of Helter Skelter. Also, I can't imagine what it would be like owning the mono version for years then buying the CD and saying "What in the tarnation of hell is this extra stuff on my Helter Skelter? Blisters on his fingers?" Why couldn't they have included all this on the mono version in 1968 because the mono version sounds so much better but it's missing the ending? Also, buying the stereo version will make it the fourth copy of the white album (The Beatles) I've bought in my life. am i tommy lee jones from men in black or what?

Side note 2: I made sure to listen to I Will and Paul going doo doo doo to indicate the bass part is even more prominent after the start of the second verse. This alone almost makes the remasters worth it. Also, heh.

Anyway, this remaster thing on the whole is pretty freaking awesome. I'm loving how everything sounds and it's about damn time The Beatles start listening to what I've been saying for years. I like to think I know a little something about music.

EDIT: Mono box doesn't fit properly on my music shelves. beatles suk teh end

I always mean to update this thing but don't anymore.

That's a roundabout way of saying I'm still conceited enough to think complete strangers want to read the intimate details of my life; I'm not conceited enough to use Twitter though. If you one the kind of person hanging on by a thread waiting to live vicariously through my thoughts on breakfast cereal or whatever, who knows when I'll update again if ever. You should probably just come back every few months and maybe I will have updated hours of hilarious comments (y'all ever notice eating Golden Crisp makes yer pee smell like Golden Crisp? True story) or maybe I won't have written anything...because I'm dead and I can't update from beyond the graaaaaaaave. Either way, you may want to find someone else through which you can live vicariously because, well, I'm not especially interesting.

Remember that part where I said I mean to update this thing but don't really do it? Here are some things that I had considered writing about but didn't. Or maybe I started to and never finished. I was going to. I swear but then I realized I had something extremely important such as counting the number of times I fart in a day (record is probably 100+ but that is a story for another day).

That new g. i. joe movie came out. Couldn't bring myself to watch it. Don't get me wrong. I can still judge it harshly and do. It's not G. I. Joe to me and I knew it wouldn't be. Based on everything I've heard, I would have cried, written angry letters to everyone involved in its making, or just punched the first person I saw. Probably not the best idea to see it. Am I getting mature enough to realize I shouldn't waste my time with movies that I know are a waste of time? Maybe.

Guys should not wear a red or maroon shirt with black suits. If you are one of the guys doing it, please stop. I know you saw someone wear it and it looked classy matched with a black tie. Oh god, it was not classy. It was the tackiest look that I've actually seen a person wear. If you want to look like a low level mobster, even then don't do it. In fact, don't even buy a red/maroon dress shirt. You can get so much more mileage out of almost any other color.

Actually, scratch that. I would allow a maroon shirt if, and only if, you were upgrading from a black shirt/black suit combination. Oh my word what a terrible idea that is. I know that "everything goes with black" so "how can I lose?" seems to make sense. It so does not with suits. It makes the tie stick out too much unless you're wearing a black tie with the black shirt and suit and since Johnny Cash is dead, welp. So help me god if you wear a red tie with a black suit and shirt.

I am offically offering to pee in the face of anyone that works for a mortgage company because mortgage companies are the worst for real. US Bank employees are always guaranteed a spot in the front of the line because fuck a US Bank. Related note: parents are usually not terrible.

I Love You, Beth Cooper? More like I loathe you, Beth Cooper. I had an actually funny idea for this post format-wise that resulted in my legit "laughing out loud" as the kids say. I will never finish that post mostly due to not being remotely timely anymore.

A dudemeister supreme got married a few weeks back and I never commented on it. Probably the most fun I had in a while. Also, the hottest I have ever been in my life (both physical appearance and wedding was held on surface of sun [citation needed] which is extremely warm).

The Sega CD is awesome. Anyone claiming otherwise is dumb and probably never played one. This was going to be a really long post and I'm kind of lazy (AKA really lazy). Never got around to it (AKA too busy playing Sega CD, you sucker chumps).

There was a bunch of other stuff I was going to write about and mayhap I will someday. So, for now, take with you the things you just read. They will help you make it through the hard times. Remember when there was only one set of footprints? That's when my thoughts on maroon shirts were carrying you.

I had too much to dream (two nights ago)

Had a dream the other night that I legally changed my name to Greg Myers.

Not sure what this means.

Death of (someone everyone believes to be a) child molester (but was never proven) seen as tragedy

I'm not particularly concerned with the life of celebrities or the idea of celebrity. I take the death of a celebrity about as hard as I take the death of any complete stranger to me (ie - not at all). I can count on one hand the number of celebrity deaths that have bothered me: Kurt Cobain, Phil Hartman and George Harrison (I legit cried at the last one).

I was also bothered that Anna Nicole Smith's death was being covered as honest to Crom news by television "news" stations for days. Her death didn't affect me but the idea that it garnered more attention than mere mention at the bottom of the screen (WHY IS THIS NEWS?).

Anyway, Michael Jackson died. I feel like I should be kind of sad because Off The Wall and Thriller are both pretty great albums. I'm not sad. I must care a little bit though because I am writing this. The truth is I planned on writing something humourous about him dying but couldn't be bothered. Also, I realized that I can never beat the following two items covering Michael Jackson's death:

Item 1: from Shaquille O'Neal's Twitter page (the picture Shaq linked makes this post)

"This is the cavs new hot cheerleader,wow smokin. @THE_REAL_SHAQ http://twitpic.com/67l1u - new Cavaliers' Girl! Ain't she peerrty? Rip Mj"

Item 2: from some picture I found online
How do you top that? Honestly, how do you top that?

Movie questionnaire

So, basically a blog I happen to follow, the writer of which happens to worship the ground upon which I walk, is part of some ring of blogs or some such nonsense. The writer of that blog decided to answer a bunch of movie questions after one of his friends did.

Since I,

1. have the best taste in movies
2. have nothing better to do with my life
3. am incredibly good looking
4. did I mention my good looks?

It seems only logical that I also answer these questions. On with the questions.

What is the first film you ever saw?
I have no idea but I think E. T. was the first I saw in a theater. My parents watched a butt load of James Bond movies when I was a kid so it's likely that I saw one of those first.

What is your favorite film of all time?
Seven Samurai or The Goonies

Each one speaks to my soul in ways that nothing else does. Also, Seven Samurai has the subtitle Sheeyit (Clay Davis plays samurai).

What is your favorite line in a film?
I don't have one.

Single lines don't do it for me I guess. Just assume I picked some monologue Crocker-Harris said in The Browning Version.

What film made you realize that film was an art?
Seven Samurai.

My dad is maybe the least movie person I can imagine. I think he took a film course in college because he occasionally name drops Ingmar Bergman, Federico Fellini and Akira Kurosawa. His VHS collection--he has no movies on DVD--consists of movies I taped that I never bothered to take when I moved out, fishing instruction videos and commerical free, foreign movies he taped off Bravo when Bravo wasn't a non-stop marathon of rich bitches and their gay best friends.


So, one day I had watched all my own movies too many times. I'd heard Seven Samurai was one of the greatest films of all time. Despite my dad agreeing, I decided to watch it anyway and it literally changed my life forever. I transformed from guy that watches more movies than you to guy that watches more movies than you but is really snobby about it. Thanks to Seven Samurai I am the kind of person that considers bad taste in movies a character flaw.

What movie do you consider your guilty pleasure?
I have no guilty pleasures in film. I embrace the movies I love completely without shame.

BUT, I acknowledge that Mannequin should be a guilty pleasure only because people fail to recognize its genius. I don't freely mention Gilmore Girls but that's a television show.

Who is your favorite movie character of all time?
Atticus Finch.

The film version of Atticus Finch represents what all people should be. He spends a year of his life defending a person in a case he will not win and he knows it from the beginning. Why? Because it is the right thing to do. His closing argument makes me weep thinking about it. Atticus is the perfect person.

In the extreeeeeeeeeeeeemely unlikely event that I have a son, his middle name is likely to be Atticus. I'd make it his first name but I hate hate hate when people have first names that end with the same sound as the beginning of their last name. Where does one end and the other begin? Also, I don't want a bunch of dorks to make weird inferences based on his name.

What is your favorite movie snack food?
I don't have one.

I have probably eaten popcorn at movies more than anything else; I guess that wins by default but popcorn is a vile weed that should be banned from theaters.

Who is your favorite director of all time?
Akira Kurosawa.

Read that thing about Seven Samurai again. I own almost every existing Kurosawa movie on DVD.

Who is the most impressive filmmaker working today?
Assuming filmmaker means director, Terence Malick.

If one actually counts Yuri Norstein as working today, he might be number one though I prefer Days Of Heaven and The New World over anything Norstein has done.

What quality do the best directors share?
They are not Roland Emmerich.

Slightly more serious answer: not much of anything. My favorite directors are wildly different from each other in most ways. So, I'll say understanding good shot composition and be done with it.

Who is your favorite actor/actress of all time?
I honestly don't have one. I have no serious allegiance to any actor/actress.

I did go out of my way to meet Bruce Campbell and read one of his books. Even though I don't really care for most of his body of work, I guess he wins by default. I'd still rather meet Mr. T though.

Who is your favorite actor/actress working today?
Ryan Gosling.

I know I don't have a favorite actor but Half Nelson fucking floored me. Then I saw Lars And The Real Girl and I love it more every time I see it. Two years in a row, my favorite movies were my favorite movies because of one actor. Even when the movies he is in are dumb, I still like his performance. From this point on, I will probably see anything he is in until he starts Robert DeNiro-ing his career away in painfully unfunny comedies based on personality stereotypes.

Who would you cast in a film about your life?
I'd prefer there not be a film about my life but, if there must be one, I'd want it to be a documentary.

Finish these sentences:

If you could remake one movie...
I am not a film maker and couldn't improve on even the worst movie.

If I must choose I would say A Sound Of Thunder because literally everything is wrong with it. I don't know that I could make it worse if I tried.

I never wanna watch a movie with...
coprophagia.

The perfect movie is...
probably extremely entertaining.

A bird crapped on my car

within two hours of getting it washed. I was mildly annoyed at first but then became pretty stoked re: the bird poop. It confirmed that these things actually happen and don't exist only in the realm bad sitcoms like dogs eating your homework.

Just try and Stay Positive

Someone I pseudo-know, but not truly know, through the interweb (AP uses Internet) wrote this:

I'm just getting old, and starting to wish people would be more open and honest about things they liked and expressive about their joy, rather than hyperbolic and thorough about their disappointments.

This is kind of how I've felt for a while now. Technically, my thoughts on expressing joy are unchanged since I am not particularly joyful. I am tired of being "hyperbolic and thorough" regarding disappointment which should explain my lack of blogging since this is mostly my forum for complaining about ice cream or breakfast cereal or whatever the fuck.

In the spirit of staying positive on the interweb, here are some awesome things that have happened recently:

1. At the onramp from Main Street, Anytown, USA (Greenwood, IN) onto 65 north, there are two lane closure signs. Until recently, they illogically indicated that the left lane ended. So, motorists were instructed to merge right before merging left 200 yards later onto 65. Not only were they illogical, they were wrong. Neither lane ends before the other; both end about the same time, narrowing equally.

Recently, a construction crew has painted an arrow on the ground in the right lane indicating to merge left before ultimately merging left again onto the highway. They have also replaced the signs with signs indicating the right lane ends. Now people are instructed to merge left twice instead of merging right then left. It doesn't correct the issue of both lanes narrowing equally but I'm not wasting tax payer money on completely tearing up the onramp to make things better.

It was a joyous day seeing the construction crew because I hoped they were doing something about the signs. The next day, I saw that they had. looks like obama is got the job done in his frist hundo days!!!!!!!

2. Talked to two people named Sibley recently. One was a Julie Sibley that worked for IMAX. Likelihood of being related: unknown.

The second one was some girl with the unlikely first name Sibley. Her parents are obviously on the ball. "The ball" meaning "drugz." Sibley is the best name (a doy) but I don't know if it is the best first name for a girl. Had the girl not been approximately 10, I would have proposed marriage on the spot despite my strict no marrying policy. The idea of someone named Sibley Sibley is too fantastical to pass.

Note to self: remember girl; sell her sibley the best shirt.

Note to self: remember girl; marry her.

3. Pepsi is doing a limited time promotion of "Throwback" sodas which use real sugar instead of high fructose corn syrup. It tastes slightly different. Not better. Different. Since high fructose corn syrup is the devil to new age health nerds and causes dong cancer or something, this is probably great news for me. I'd prefer this to not be limited time. Everyone should buy some and tell Pepsi that this is what people want. Maybe Coke will follow and return to their "classic" formula we haven't had since New Coke became the running joke of the rest of time.

4. Had to go to the county auditor this week (lame) which is at the county court house in Franklin, IN (also lame). When I arrived, I saw some poh-lice moving some prisoners actually wearing black and white striped uniforms. I was under the impression that most prison uniforms were bright orange scrubs and that black and white stripes were limited almost entirely to bad halloween costumes. I was excited to see this and tried to get a picture of it on my mobile telephone.

5. Dylan's new album, Together Through Life, is not that great but it reminded me that there are a few Dylan albums I don't have which are typically really cheap at Best Buy. So, I bought Saved of all things. I'd been putting off getting it for a number of reasons 1) it is a Dylan from the 1980s that is not Oh Mercy 2) is from his Christian "trilogy" 3) it almost always gets the third worst reviews from both groups (his 1980s and Christian albums) 4) I wanted the original cover art instead of the whitewash album cover added later.

Anyway, I listened to it and found it quite enjoyable. Yes, it's gospel rock of all things. It's not Dylan's finest album by any stretch but I haven't been this pleasently surprised by a Dylan album maybe ever. Quite energetic for Bob Dylan.

6. Lost last night was pretty amazing. For the first time, the season ended with logical progression that made me anticipate the next season instead of crazy twist. This has easily been the best season of the series. Next season will probably blow my mind even though the story of Jacob will likely be nothing but a modern day biblical tale.

That's about it as far as awesome things. I guess it was only mildly positive but what do you want from me? Note to self: to offset this spike in positivity, next blog will be a suicide note.

...get everyone on the same page

...get everyone on the same page...get everyone on the same page...get everyone on the same page...get everyone on the same page...get everyone on the same page...get everyone on the same page...get everyone on the same page...get everyone on the same page...get everyone on the same page...get everyone on the same page...get everyone on the same page...get everyone on the same page...get everyone on the same page...get everyone on the same page...get everyone on the same page...get everyone on the same page...

Yes, let's all get everyone on the same page.

Talk to strangers

There is a new website called Omegle. The basic premise is that you chat with complete strangers. No one has a profile. No one can look up anything about it. It's complete anonymity which means it's a bunch of nerds hoping a female with a webcam is ready to partay. Also, Brazilian people.

There is something mildly interesting about communicating with complete strangers. If it's not interesting, you can just stop. So, here is an example of the conversation you could be having with a complete stranger (I am "you," stranger is "stranger"):

Connecting to server...
You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: hey
You: hello
Stranger: what's up?
You: it is the newest pixar movie
Stranger: mhm.
You: no, it really is
Stranger: have you ever seriously investigated the government's claims about 9/11?
You: i dont think that's what the movie up is about
Stranger: look, the latest pixar movie can wait
You: it has ed asner and his house has balloons on it
Stranger: George Bush LIED to us about 9/11
Stranger: the government is in a massive coverup because they were complicit
You: i'll have to wait for up
You: it doesn't come out until may
Stranger: and you're worried about pixar movies?
Stranger: get your fucking priorities straight.
You: but it's in 3D
You: have you ever seen a 3D movie
You: it's like you're right there
You: in the movie
Stranger: I've seen good friends die in vietnam.
Stranger: that'll teach you what being right there really means.
You: well, if his balloon house lands in vietnam
You: it's rated g
You: so there probably isn't a lot of killing
Stranger: heh. okay, I'm moving on. well played.
You: i think the movie will probably play on my emotions if that's what you mean
Stranger: later.
You: i cried at wall-e
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

EDIT: Someone claiming to be a woman attempted to have cyber sex with me. I figured this was worth preserving.

Stranger: hey sexy
You: you have me confused with someone else
You: i am mildly sexy at best
Stranger: im so horny
Stranger: wont you hel?
Stranger: *help?
You: i guess i can
Stranger: please do babes
You: what turns you on?
You: i will pretend that is my speciaty
You: *specialty

about two minutes pass
You: are you cumming yet?
You: I'm trying my best
Stranger: what would you do to me if i was on your bed?
You: that depends if you are male or female
You: i have two very different scenarios pictured
Stranger: female
You: i assume you are lying but i can pretend
You: i suppose i would probably attempt to woo you in some way
You: this normally results in me not getting any
You: so i should probably do the opposite of my natural inclinations
Stranger: dominate me
Stranger: do what you will
Stranger: i need something
Stranger: im acheing
You: are you all ready naked because that changes my opening move?
You: supposing you are all ready naked, i would probably take off my clothes as well
Stranger: im always naked
You: don't you get cold
You: oh wait, the sex
Stranger: not when i have you to heat me up
You: i get distracted easily
You: i guess I should probably mount you in some way
You: what are your favorite positions?
Stranger: im def a backwards cow girl
Stranger: but babe, you do as you like
You: backwards cowgirl is fine with me
You: it also has the benefit of me not needing to do much
You: so i guess i would lay down on the bed
You: wait, that should be lie down
You: even in sex, proper grammar
Stranger: def
Stranger: and i would straddle you
You: yes, that is generally how the position works
Stranger: pressing my breasts into your mouth
You: that is not backwards cowgirl
Stranger: i start this way
You: unless you are extremely flexible
Stranger: duh
You: oh, good then
You: because you were kind of creeping me out with how flexible you were
Stranger: now what?
You: i guess would be sucking on your breasts
You: seeing as they would be in my face and all
You: also, breasts are pretty great
You: probably playing with your nipples and so forth
You: i guess you could blow me or something
You: by the way, while you are blowing me, i am eating a sandwich
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

If I plan on keeping this up, I should probably start making a separate blog for every stupid conversation I have on this site.

He goes to sleep by falling down on his face

I kept passing out for no known reason last Thursday. I was pretty lucky because the first time I fainted I was all ready lying down. The second time, there was a filing cabinet nearby that kind of broke my fall when my face hit it on the way down.

So, here are some helpful tips when you are admitted to the hospital:

• Do not have a hairy chest. Removing leads for an ECG is not awesome if you do.
• Unless you like full screen presentations of last year's hit movies and day time television (ie - are lame), bring a book.
• The most attractive nurses apparently work in the ER. Nurses become progressively less attractive the longer you are in the hospital.
• Get plenty of sleep in advance because those jerks will wake you up as much as possible
• Do not get an IV in your dominant arm if you have the choice because it makes using that arm kind of not using it.
• The only way you're getting out of the hospital is by being an asshole. While you are agreeable, everyone leaves you alone. When you start saying that you're leaving whether they discharge you or not, they start getting a clue and speed things up.
• Don't trust bathroom scales. I thought I weighed a lot more than I did but the hospital says I weighed about 20 pounds less. Considering how much I weigh, 20 pounds is a big deal.

Who watched the Watchmen?

get it?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

I did on Friday night/Saturday morning but I haven't had time to comment until now (busy watching through The Wire).

I hate you Zack Snyder. Your version of Dawn Of The Dead was all right if only to hear Jim Davis (not that one) keep saying "zombie baby" every time that pregnant woman on screen. 300 was two hours of pure ugggggghhhh from start to finish.


I saw the trailer for Watchmen when I previewed The Dark Knight and knew, knew that Zack Snyder would mess it up some day, some way. It looked right but he would ruin it. If Terry Gilliam and Darren Aronofsky couldn't get it done, Zack Snyder certainly wasn't going to get it right.

The stuff on the internet about the Keane act, the Black Freighter trailer, the everything was so spot on. God, how was this movie going to suck when everything around it was so awesome? It was mindboggling.

Have you ever spent years waiting for a movie knowing it's going to suck (G. I. Joe) only to have your dick kicked in (figuratively) for being super wrong? That's Watchmen for ya.

Yes, Watchmen is completely awesome and, for that, I hate you Zack Snyder. I all ready relegated you into the group of directors failing upwards like Roland Emmerich or Michael Bay. Thanks to Watchmen, I have to risk watching your future crumby movies that I know are going to suck because of one great film like the Wachowski brothers did with Speed Racer.

why did you make me reevaluate my preconceived notions zack snyder when all my notions are and always will be right?!?!?!?!?!

Watchmen is, obviously, not perfect. Things are cut. Things are changed. The movie makes some choices I'd consider either bizarre or blasphemous if I didn't know in advance it was also commenting on the state of super hero movies. It is still the best adaptation possible for a 2 hour 43 minute movie (technically not true but damn close).

I can understand why most things were changed or left out which is the than I could dream of getting. I don't get Hollis Mason's death or Rorschach getting into the psychologist's head. I do get all the "hurm"s I could ask for and grease in a guy's face. It's a trade off and the great things outnumber the bad ones by a wide margin.

Because it's Zack Snyder though, the errors are mind blowingly glaring. It makes me wonder if he didn't have one more fan of Watchmen on the crew to say, "Uhhhhhh...you're going to fix that right? It's a really really stupid choice and you don't want to drop that ball 90% of the way through the movie do you?" So, I can take some solace in knowing that Snyder still has the ability to make several terrible decisions in one movie.

• Oh, god the music. I can not immediately think of someone making such amateurish decisions for music in a movie. It's like a first year film student bought a copy of Time Life's Sounds of the Sixties during post production. The pop songs used are too obvious. He uses Sounds Of Silence during the funeral for The Comedian. Hendrix's version of All Along The Watchtower plays while Rorschach's and Night Owl's trip to Antarctica which is from the comic but it doesn't seem to work as well as it did when I read it (partly because I imagined the Dylan version even though I prefer the Hendrix version). Why not play the opening to Wig Job by Johnny Niles where the chorus of girls scream WIG JOB! and the guitar goes wahwahwahwahwah every time blonde Malin Ackerman comes on screen as brunette Laurie Juspeczyk? Because it's comically stupid is why.
• Speaking of music ruining Watchmen, the sex scene between Dan and Laurie is fucking terrible. While the music isn't the only thing that ruined it, it certainly made it worse. Using the worst possible version of Hallelujah (the Leonard Cohen original) here took an overdone, over long scene of people doing the horizontal mambo...it's just awful and ranks up there with the pointing from Spider-Man 3.
• The aging make on Silk Spectre I is laughably bad. How do you have this level of detail but miss that Mrs. Doubtfire would make a better retired Silk Spectre? Zack Snyder: possible retard. Must investigate further.
• HAY GUYZ COMEDIAN IS LAURIE'S FATHER! DID YOU KNOW THAT COMEDIAN IS LAURIE'S FATHER BECAUSE COMEDIAN IS LAURIE'S FATHER! BETTER MAKE IT OBVIOUS!
• You know what would have been really awesome? Not framing Dr. Manhattan. I don't need the vagina squid and the island. I need the destruction to be aliens. It makes more sense. You can't hammer home that superman/god is American and is keeping Russia at bay then use him to destroy a few cities and expect the world to go to peace. That's why it needs to be aliens. The David Hayter script makes the idea work for the most part but it doesn't hold up to scrutiny. That's why the story should have stayed the same.

Despite these major screw ups (the Zack Snyder I know and hate), this is still going to be my favorite movie of the year (the Zack Snyder I never thought I'd see). I know most of it has nothing to do with the movie actually being good and has everything to do with someone faithfully recreating someone else's work in live action. To be honest, I'm not sure. I have time to think about it though because I ultimately won't judge the movie until the full length, uncut version hits blu ray. I can only hope Snyder fixes the problems (most of my suggestions are super easy fixes).

EDIT: I didn't think about it at the time but I doubt anyone but me knows the song Wig Job (y'all should like Nilsson more). You can find it here.

I don't use "lol" very often (maybe this is the first time) but LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL. This is perfect in its blasphemy. Remember the end of The Last Temptation Of Christ where Jesus comes down from the cross and has sex with Mary Magdalene except it doesn't have the part where it turns out that Jesus never came down from the cross and it was purely in his mind saying "IT IS FINISHED!" except animated.

Simpsons and G. I. Joe news (AKA, my childhood is still eerily relevant and mildly disappointing)

So, The Simpsons starts airing in HHHDDD starting this Sunday which is also the beginning of the production run for this season (LABF01). This means starting with season 20, I guess I'll have to buy blu-ray season sets.

I know the opening sequence is going to be revamped which is the first change to the credits (barring the premier episode a couple seasons ago after the movie) since season 2. It's not going to be a major change supposedly but we'll see; we'll see.

Beyond that, my only knowledge of the change is the aspect ratio will be different. I'm very curious how this affects the visual look of the show. I would like to see the directors work as using the full frame differently than they have for the 3:4 ratio. I don't want it to end up like the "high definition" broadcasts of Seinfeld where it's obvious they just cropped the top and bottom of the image like a bunch of sucka chumps.

Speaking of G. I. Joe...,

The new movie is going to suck butt hole. I saw the super bowl trailer on the world wide web (missed the super bowl because I was not interested/sleeping). It has included everything I did not want the G. I. Joe movie to have. It has removed everything I wanted to be included.

Snake Eyes is the closest thing to what I wanted but even he is not accurate. Here is the best way to describe it: Snake Eyes:Snake Eyes in G. I. Joe: The Rise Of Cobra::Snake in Metal Gear Solid:Snake in The Twin Snakes. They took something perfectly cool (in the Miles Davis sense: laid back but still able to be totally awesome) and bad ass. They made something that flips around like a moron because kids can't handle anything that isn't WHOAAAAAAAAAAH! You found a Cup of Lifenoodles EXTREEEEEEEEEEEEEEME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know this movie is directed by whoever directed The Mummy whose direction is, at best, not remotely enjoyable. So, I should have been expecting some kind of Jerry Bruckheimer-esque, Michael Bay garbage. I don't know why I'm so let down but I am.

Finally caught up on Lost

I didn't even know it had come back until after the season premier and then didn't watch Jughead until last night. A few things:

I bought a new antenna yesterday. This may be the best purchase all year. I can now not watch television but not watch it in 1080i! No longer shall ghosting images and static be on my list of reasons to dread watching The Simpsons.

I am so lost (hurrrr) as to what is going on. Every season, barring the first, has made me lose interest at some point only to gain interest for the last few episodes. So when season four started, I was ambivilant about it. Unfortunately, I wasn't paying attention until a bunch of super important crap happened I think. I normally pay attention when IMPORTANT TWIST OR REVEAL MUSIC starts playing. That only helped me so much. I've got the main stuff down but I know I'm missing all kinds of important things. Sometime after this season and before the start of season six, I want to netflix the DVDs and rewatch everything. It should give me insight into the old episodes and I'll try to pay attention to the non-Ana Lucia bullcrap.

How many times must I hear this conversation:

Where have you been?
Don't you mean when have I been?

hey guyz time travel am i rite?????????????

Today I am a man

As a child, I remember being very, very interested in Lucky Charms introducing a new, mystery marshmallow which turned out to be a purple horseshoe. I distinctly remember my first box of Lucky Charms with the purple horseshoe marshmallow (or "marbit" for the readers who work at General Mills). It's is very likely that, as a toddler, I was a complete nimrod because I clearly cared too much about marshmallows.

Lucky Charms eventually introduced some new marshmallows over the years and I was midly interested in these even though I no longer ate Lucky Charms. The most memorable was the series of commercials that revealed the red balloon in which Lucky had been riding to be the new marshallow. I was mildly disappointed with this new marshmallow and considered it a step down from the introduction of the purple horseshoe. It's possible that, as a child, I was a complete hipster because I clearly felt a marshmallow in a children's cereal couldn't live up to the standards of previous marshmallow introductions for a cereal I didn't even eat.

I was even aware that rainbows and leprechaun hats and pots of gold were added to the marshmallow line up of Lucky Charms. Iwasn't too interested but I knew the changes were happening. I didn't feel one way or the other about the new marshmallows although I still think the red balloon was kind of a dumb idea. It's possible that, as a young adult, I was growing up because I clearly had started putting cereal marshmallows into a logical place in my life (i. e. - not very high).

Now, there is a new marshmallow in Lucky Charms. I was not even aware it was coming until I saw a box in the grocery store today. I didn't know beforehand that this was going to happen beforehand. I had no idea that an hourglass was being added to the mix. It's possible that, as a 29 year old, I am a man because I clearly have put marshmallow related cereals pretty low on my list of things I need to know (I have not put them so low that I didn't write about it but, you know).

Had a Skor bar yesterday

I do not regret the decision as unusual as that may be (the decision itself and not regretting it).

Also of note: I am a nerd. I have, for no good reason, decided to teach myself the Dvorak keyboard which means it takes me forever to type anything.

How to get me to watch the Oscars

I am not an Academy Award person. On my list of things that do absolutely nothing for me, I place them adjacent to the cost of tea in...well, the cost of tea anywhere as I don't drink tea. I see no purpose for them or their awards; I could, and do, say the same for all award shows covering any type of entertainment. Win or lose, nominated or not, I like some movies and dislike some. No anonymous entity that thinks it has any real kind of authority over the matter is going to make me waver an inch.

I suppose I dislike the pageantry. Pageantry in any form usually warrants an ill feeling in me as it is completely unnecessary. Maybe this bumps the Academy Awards from the list of things that do absolutely nothing for me to the list of things that leave a mild distaste in my mouth.

That said, I anticipate a moment that shall never in a million years happen but would make me a life long "Oscar" person.

Heath Ledger will undoubtedly win an award because there has been no finer supporting performance this year. He won't accept his award for himself (natch). But who to accept it? Jack Nicholson.

My proposal for the people that work on the Academy Awards that may be reading this is simple.

Person giving award
"The winner is...Heath Ledger.
Accepting the award for Heath Ledger is...
The Joker."

Camera cuts to back of the auditorium. Jack Nicholson and a group of men recreate
the following scene as closely as possible including dialogue and music.

People in the audience replace the statues
and paintings as The Joker's goons paint
their faces. Most important is the recreation of this dance:

The group dances and paints faces all
the way down the aisle (possibly all
aisles of the auditorium). The dancing
continues on stage where Jack Nicholson nee Napier
takes the award. The music stops as he approaches the microphone.

Jack Nicholson
"I told him."

Jack Nicholson and company walk off stage.

Is there a way to get this idea to the people in charge of the Academy Awards? To whom do I write? This would be the finest moment in the history of award shows and maybe live television. I would buy the Academy Awards on DVD AND Blu-Ray if this happened. I would kick myself for not having seen it live but my unlimited home enjoyment would make up for most of it.

2008 Movies In Review

I meant to do this last year but I didn't have a computer for two weeks (thanks virus!). Since my hard drive had to be wiped clean (thanks virus!), I also lost the list of movies I had seen since I last backed up me hard drive which was sometime in May possibly. That means I have to go based purely on what I remember seeing. So, who knows what I forgot?

I also didn't see many movies this year. There weren't many movies I was really really interested in seeing. Key Cinemas closed which cut my art house viewing down to Landmark theaters. I hardly go to Landmark because 1. I was totally broke with da new house 2. I now live 20 minutes farther south than before making it about a 45 minute drive and 3. Landmark has consistently terrible presentation (probably going back on dis to see Slumdog Millionaire and The Rassler sometime soon).

Anyhoo, here is what I remember seeing this year (thanks weed!) and a general ranking (and, as always, I am not counting 2007 movies that opened wide in 2008 like El Orfanato and such).

If you didn't see this movie, you have wasted your life:

• The Dark Knight - It's not the best flim EV4R like many people want to claim but it is really good. Maybe my favorite of the year. Also, where were you all year? It's only the second highest grossing movie of all time.
• Iron Man - This was just a fun movie and they did everything I think they could with a first Iron Man movie.
• WALL-E - I am ostensibly not a Pixar person but this is maybe the best movie I saw this year.
• Clovenfield [sic] - This is better than I imagined an American daikaiju movie being after about 1960 something. NO SEQUEL NEEDED

Movies you really should see:

• Hellboy II: The Golden Army - I didn't like Hellboy much but this was a solid movie all around.
• Speed Racer - Never shall there be a better animated to live action adaptation. I don't care what people think or how badly this tanked.
• The Bank Job - A solid heist movie but based on a true story.
• Blindness - This is one of those movies that is good but I'll never watch again. The most uncomfortable I've been in a movie since The Woodsman.
• Synechdoche, New York - Charlie Kaufman went too Charlie Kaufman and I didn't like this much. Maybe I'll appreciate it more if I watch it again. I doubt it but I'll give Charlie Kaufman the benefit of the doubt.

Don't go out of your way:

• Kung Fu Panda - It works well enough to be a solid movie.
• Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa - I never saw the first but this was okay I suppose.
• Burn After Reading - I'm glad I saw this once but I'll never see it again. My favorite Brad Pitt performance.
• Forgetting Sarah Marshall - Once you get passed the reliance on coincidence, this is PENIS pretty enjoyable PENIS!
• Run, Fat Boy Run - I just sort of liked this for no particular reason. The ending was a bit too schmaltzy though.
• Flash Of Genius - What is the male version of WE or Oxygen or Lifetime? That is where this movie would fit. Predictable and maudlin but it works, you know?
• The Duchess - This didn't do anything wrong but it also didn't do anything to elevate it above all the similar movies.

Don't waste your time:

• Quantum Of Solace (AKA Quantum of Solstice)- This is not nearly so bad as people make it sound but this is not a Bond movie proper.
• Vantage Point - Remember how La Commare Secca was a big step down from Rashomon which is kind of overrated anyway? Well this is the same step down from La Commare Secca plus another step or two but with more nonsense and crazy camera work.
• Bedtime Stories - Bedtime stories come true produced by Disney? Why is this not a knock out of the park movie? Adam Sandler. I don't hate Adam Sandler but this movie was too Adam Sandler-y.
• Spiderwick Chronicles - This might have been good if I were seven.
• Transporter 3 - This is everything that was not laughably bad about Transporter 2 (just the bad) but with worse acting.
• The Day The Earth Stood Still - Every half hour, I thought, "Okay, this movie will finally take off and be good." Then the movie would fall flat again and keep sucking.
• U2 3D -This would have been a better movie if it didn't have all that U2 music ruining what appears to be a really solid looking stage show.
• Stop-Loss - MTV doesn't like war
• Doomsday - Watch Mad Max 2 (AKA The Road Warrior) and 28 Days/Weeks Later instead.

If you saw this, you wasted your time:

• Eagle Eye - HEYO
• 10,000 BC - Rolland Emmerich sucks butt hole.
• Indiana Jones and the kingdom of the crystal skull - I can not even capitalize this movie's full title. It...God...I can't even go into it without going into extreme detail of why it sucks.

Pretty crappy year overall. Not many great movies but the three I really liked, I really liked. I guess that's pretty good.

I don't think 2009 has much going for it that I know of either. Watchmen better be AWESOME AS HELL! Where The Wild Things Are and The Road are both books I enjoying to the maximus which means, like Watchmen, I am super worried about crummy adaptation. Arrested Development may come out this year. The Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus or whatev should be good because Gilliam is usually great. Ponyo On A Cliff is finally getting a US release and everyone should love everything by Hayao Miyazaki or y'all be dead to me.

Other than that, nothing too exciting in my opinion. I should be pretty stoked for Shutter Island and A Serious Man but 1) they are too far away for me to get worked up yet 2) Scorsese has been hit or miss with his last few (always interesting; so I be seeing this anywayz) 3) Coen Bros. comedy has never grabbed me like their dramatics (Lebowski the exception).

I don't care anymore

I almost wish The Simpsons would get worse again. Even in the dark seasons 10-13 (I still felt the show could pick itself up during season 9), I at least looked forward to watching The Simpsons in hope that maybe, just maybe, this week's episode would be good. I can't even muster the kind of hope anymore.

I dread sitting down at 8:00pm on Sundays not because I hate the episodes. I've gotten to the point that I can't even bother caring what happens. I now see it as a waste of my time. I now feel the weight of its burden while it was--when I had a social life--was an actual burden but weightless.

Why do I keep watching this show that has disappointed me for so long that I don't even feel disappointment? Why do I have loyalty to a show I have not enjoyed for over half of its run? Will I ever finally give in and stop watching?

Let me explain.

This season has aired seven episodes thus far. Two episodes have pivoted around the Simpson children receiving a technological instrument for free for no good reason by a celebrity. I thought it was lazy writing when Bart got a mobile telephone from Dennis Leary because...well, I suppose there was a reason of some sort but maybe it was cut for time. This time Lisa gets a MyPod from Krusty at the Mapple store and I don't even remember why beyond there wasn't a reason even though the episode ended an hour and a half ago. It's the exact same plot device and it's incredibly specific.

The less said about the entire Homer believes Muslims are terrorists but they aren't because tolerance the better. Why not throw in one of those Scooby Doo styled musical montages that have creeped in the last few years to further the who cares we can't write anymore sentiment?

Dear Fox or The Simpsons,

Please do not renew the contract after season 23.

Sincerely,

Anyone that still cares

PS - Work on scheduling episodes better. The Halloween episode airing in November is dumb but the airing of a post-Christmas episode in November is dumber. How do the two groups (Fox and The Simpsons) make this kind of decision? Move the Halloween episode up in production rotation; move the after Christmas episode back in rotation. This is not complicated.

EDIT: This week's episode had a special Christmas opening even though last week's episode took place after Christmas. Also, they used the plot genesis that Mr. Burns is unhappy that another billionaire is more popular than him. Isn't that kind of really really specific for a plot idea? Also, Lisa has a beard of bees which is stupid enough but Abe Simpson had a beard of bees in one episode which makes it a recycled joke as well.

I didn't think you'd be this busy today

I chose this career, to work at a movie theater. I, therefore, choose to work all major holidays. In fact, I have never requested to have one off work. Thanksgiving. Christmas. Independence Day. New Year's Eve. These are days on the calendar but they hold no real meaning for me personally. Working these days doesn't bother me. It doesn't ruin my day to be at work.

These days are busier, yes. I often prefer a slow day at work than a busy one. The busy days have their benefits though: they go faster and they pay for the slow days. The slow Wednesdays in March or September wouldn't exist if the jam packed holidays didn't also exist. As physically exhausting as running around for nine hours on a major holiday is, I don't mind the extra business all that much.

The thousands and thousands of customers that don't think about me as a person on major holidays don't bother me either. It's easier for both of us not to care. Neither one has to acknowledge the humanity of the other. You are of the mindless drove; I am the automaton created to serve you popcorn. Each in this symbiotic relationship fulfills the others' need.

There is that handful of customers spread throughout the major holidays though that do bother me. The ones that make me bitter by making themselves feel better. They filled with false empathy, hypocrisy. They are the ones that I hate.

"I bet it sucks working on Thanksgiving."

Uh...yeah, it does kind of suck, asshole. Have you considered that I wouldn't be here if you weren't here? Why don't you not show up for a couple years and then it won't suck; neither of us will be here on Thanksgiving.

"I didn't think you'd be open"

Yet you came here. Is this concept so outrageous that you had to see it with your own eyes? Like the image of Jesus will appear in the formation of popcorn you drop in the lobby. But seeing it wasn't enough for you. You had to verify this miracle by bringing your entire family and purchasing tickets for Transformer 3 [sic].

"It's nice that you guys work so the rest of us have a day off."

Fuck you, lady. Just fuck you.

People do it to make themselves feel better. I know this. Throwing a bit of pity my way absolves them of guilt. The subconscious thought of "I acknowledged that it must suck for him. He is glad that someone cares. I'm a bit of sunshine in his day I'd wager" runs concurrently with the spoken "Four for Quantum of the Soleless [sic]."

Again, it isn't everyone that bothers me.

For the people attending the movies with no one in their lives, this is not for you. Those of you with no friends or family, I want to be open for you. Another Thanksgiving alone with no company but the televised host of the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade is probably better spent watching shitty movies. I am glad to be here for you.

For those of you that can stand neither sight nor sound of your family for one full day (highest grossing movie by far today is about a couple that doesn't want to visit with family), for those of you that feel I am ruining your day by not putting enough ice in your soda, keep your false pity to yourself. All I ask is that you be humane enough to please, please don't pretend to care about me. I know you don't care because I hate to think of the kind of person that can look me right in the eye, truly empathize with my perceived holiday ruined and still buy that ticket.

Free Dr. Pepper for everyone in the USA day

It's here. It's finally here. Chinese Democracy actually physically exists in this world. No longer are unmixed sound files at which the incredulous can scoff the only available source. The album that no one ever thought would be is (even in LP form which makes me laugh). Whether or not one ever cared for Guns N' Roses, this is maybe the biggest music news this year.

CAN DUKE NUKEM FOREVER BE FAR BEHIND???????????????

Let's put this in perspective. Dr. Pepper actually promised that everyone in America can have a free Dr. Pepper if Chinese Democracy was released in 2008. Companies don't make promises like that when they expect a need to keep them.

I've heard the album a couple times now in its final state (online) and, to my amazement as much to anyone else's, I honestly enjoy most of this album. There are even a few honest to god great songs. It's not a life changing album and I don't think it will be remembered for its music more than its history. It's still a decent album that is actually listenable which puts it head and shoulders above what everyone expected.

More importantly is Dr. Pepper's website being down. I was promised, with everyone else in the USA, a free Dr. Pepper if Chinese Democracy was released in 2008. All I have to do is visit Dr. Pepper's website on the day of release (today) to get my coupon. If I can not log onto the website for my free Dr. Pepper, Dr. Pepper will NOT HEAR THE END OF IT UNTIL I GET MY FREE DR. PEPPER! This is a promise. As one of the people that actually bought Chinese Democracy, I feel I deserve it more than the average American.

EDIT: Got confirmation of my free Dr. Pepper. Havoc not cried; the dogs of war not slipped

The Fireman rushes in

New Paul McCartney album (technically the The Fireman but I don't feel like explaining so look it up yer own dang ol' self) comes out next week.

WILL THIS UPSTAGE CHINESE DEMOCRACY FOR THE BIGGEST MUSIC NEWS OF THE YEAR?????????????????

If you are curious how mediocre this will be, stream the entire album legally here. I have not listened to the entire album but I will attempt to review it, his last four albums and every future album right now. Here 't goes:

There are only two good songs and the rest is pretty meh. Why did I buy this?

EDIT: Listened to the entire album. Review pretty accurate. The two songs I remember thinking were slightly more enjoyable than the rest were Highway and maybe Nothing Too Much Just Out Of Sight (maybe). The hidden track was okay. Overall impression is that Paul should not do anything involving electronic music because there are people actually good at it.

The sad fact is that the part I enjoyed most was sadly a complete accident. I was looking at something on MySpace and a person's profile song was playing. It was quieter than whatever The Fireman song to which I was listening but I could hear the drums perfectly. They kind of worked together but then the vocals came in. I thought "What the hell is Paul thinking? It's like two different songs playing at once that don't quite fit. This is very very interesting...maybe the most interesting thing Paul has tried in years." After about 15 seconds, I realized what was going on and was really disappointed that Paul wasn't doing anything new. It was just another song that could have been on any of his last few albums.

I didn't create this, but...

I never ever want to forget that this exists.