Saturday, December 31, 2011

Movies of 2011

If you were the kind of person that actually followed this blog when it was still a thing, maybe you'll remember that I did this every year. The following collects my brief thoughts on the movies of this year.

I only count movies with release dates from 2011 according to imdb.com. I figure it is as reliable as any other website. Unfortunately, imdb goes by the original release which means foreign or very limited releases that only made it to the general public in 2011 don't qualify. It's maybe needlessly strict as it doesn't allow a lot of movies that a lot of people would count but what's the point of even ranking movies by year anyway? I might as well actually follow the releases if I'm going to bother at all.

Long story shortened, the following crappy movies don't qualify: Super, Don't Be Afraid Of The Dark, Insidious. The following good movies don't qualify: Sarah's Key, Trollhunter, Uncle Boonmee, Submarine, Tabloid, Meek's Cutoff, The Arbor, Everything Must Go, The Perfect Host


Also, if some local theatres would get A Separation, Martha May Marcy Marlene, Shame, I'd appreciate it.

NOTE: Blogger deleted most of the movies in the crappy movie section. I added most, if not all, of them back. It's possible I missed some, but they were apparently crap. So, maybe it doesn't matter.



If you didn't see these movies, you wasted your life:



  • Hugo - Man, 3D kids movies don't get better than this.


  • Drive -Everything in this movie is so offputting and somehow it works.


  • 50/50 - Gen Y needs its cancer movie too you know.


  • The Artist -If the trailer doesn't give you a film boner, you probably shouldn't see this. You should also get better taste in movies. Maybe the best movie of the year.



  • Movies you really should see:



  • The Muppets - Exactly what I wanted it to be.


  • Beats Rhymes & Life: The Travels Of A Tribe Called Quest - If you don't like A Tribe Called Quest, get out.


  • Winnie The Pooh - just charming


  • Warrior - Predictable, formulaic and yet still totally sucks me in.


  • The Thing - If I had never seen the original, I would have thought this was the best horror movie of the year


  • Pearl Jam Twenty - I can't believe Cameron Crowe made something that isn't terrible but I'll blame my Pearl Jam love for being able to overlook his involvement.


  • Take Shelter - Great performance that draws you into his plight


  • Another Earth -


  • Source Code - About as hard science fiction as a movie can be and have broad appeal.


  • The Guard - In Bruges 2011 or near enough


  • The Tree Of Life - I love love love the Texas sections of this. The opening and closing do nothing for me. Kind of a wash.


  • Super 8 - Close Encounters Of The Third Kind as directed by J. J. Abrams


  • Into The Abyss - disquieting to say the least


  • The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo - It retains a lot of stuff that sets up the sequels which the original didn't do. So, as a standalone film maybe not as good as the original but a much better adaptation with some planning for the inevitable sequels.


  • Weekend - A real look at relationships beginning. Probably going to be offputting for a lot of people.


  • Terri - "Cool Breeze Club: Members only" is the quote of the forever.



  • These are good, but don't go out of your way:



  • The Descendants - I couldn't buy the stupid kid going from being completely unaware that Alzheimer's exists to being some emotional idiot savant. It felt too much like an obvious adaptation where I kept thinking, "There has to be a book that explains this better."


  • Hanna - I wonder how much I would have liked this had it come out later in the year because I was so desperate to like a movie that I had to latch onto something.


  • Paul - This is a litmus test for how many movies you've seen about aliens


  • Scream 4 - second best Scream movie but Scream 2 and 3 were just awful.


  • My Week With Marilyn - great performance by Michelle Williams


  • X-Men: First Class - the best X-Men movie but just don't get too worried about following the comics closely (or at all).


  • Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes - so much better than a reboot/prequel of a not very good series should even think of being.


  • Rango - I think adults would appreciate this more than children because so much of this is meant for adults (not fart jokes like a Shrek movie but kids just won't get it).


  • Shark Night 3D - I will never not like a movie with sharks killing people


  • Contagion - About as realistic a look at all aspects of a pandemic as you can get while being fictional and in two hours.


  • Moneyball - This is a good enough story to carry the weaker aspects of the movie.


  • The Ides Of March - something you may not know about politics: they are corrupt


  • Midnight In Paris - I don't love the time period enough to love this but it's very well done overall.


  • Thor - Mute Kat Dennings character. She served no purpose and the movi would have been better served letting the comedy come from Thor's inability to understand Earth customs.


  • Win Win - Indie Movie: The Movie


  • A Better Life - nice little movie looking at how hard life is for illegal immigrants


  • Bobby Fischer Against The World - interesting but it's like reading the wikipedia article of someone and thinking you've truly learned something


  • The Adventures Of Tintin - a pretty solid adventure film but I think it drags a bit in the middle. I also never particularly cared for Captain Haddock as a character in the comics. The 3D is pretty good though.


  • Mission: Impossible: Ghost Protocol - the best, and arguably only, action movie of the year. The Dubai sequences really need to be seen in IMAX. Good on Brad Bird for making a quality live action movie.


  • One Day - I just couldn't really care about either character but this is fine I suppose. I also felt that they didn't age Anne Hathaway very well. Her accent didn't work for me either.


  • Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy - I felt like the book probably explained a lot of stuff that was not covered in the movie. Note to self: read the book. Superbly acted but it feels like stuff was missing.


  • Carnage - one of the better acted films of the year (except for Jodie Foster who sucked). Pretty good at slowly ratcheting up the tension comedicly.


  • Haywire - Steven Soderbergh does it again. Another movie that feels like a half formed idea where, somewhere along the line, he lost interest. A good enough, female version of The Limey.


  • I guess these are good:



  • J.Edgar - I didn't appreciate how the movie just moved around in time which I feel should work instead of forcing a linear story arc out of a person's life that was never there. It felt weird here though because it felt like it was attempting to cover up the fact that nothing was being said about Hoover's life just collecting a few notable events. Also, horrendous old age makeup.


  • Crazy, Stupid, Love - There's enough here to like but has any standard romantic comedy truly been better than "yeah, sure."


  • Bridesmaids - I like that a movie actually feels like it's written for women and actually works for me. But, you know, still not all that hilarious


  • The Rum Diary - a series of mildly interesting vignettes that are not as good when put together


  • The Adjustment Bureau - The most fine a movie could ever be


  • Horrible Bosses - Funny enough. I like that it actually feels like a bunch of regular guys that will never be able to kill someone actually trying it.


  • Real Steel - Rocky Sock'em Robots (this is the cleverest thing I've ever said and no one will ever read it and it's not even all that clever)


  • Cedar Rapids - This is the kind of movie that would be the best comedy ever if I were a huge fan of The Office (US).


  • 30 Minutes Or Less - decent enough performances by the lead actors and Nick Swarsdon is the least awful he's ever been


  • Melancholia - the entire planet is destroyed and it's still the least depressing thing I've seen from Lars Von Trier


  • The Devil's Double - Great lead performance but a story this interesting should have been more interesting.


  • Jane Eyre - this is technically fine and my understanding is that it's true to the novel. It's well acted and all that stuff but the world does not need another adaptation of Jane Eyre or any of the Bronte sisters' novels.


  • Margin Call - A bunch of under developed characters that are acted very well.


  • War Horse - too episodic and way too maudlin for my tastes


  • Lincoln Lawyer - better than it should have been. If John Grisham wrote novels about ambulance chasers, this is what it would probably be like.


  • Our Idiot Brother - not sure what it is about this but I enjoyed it despite everything except Paul Rudd sucking in this.



  • Don't waste your time



  • The Mechanic - not even bad enough to laugh at which makes it the worst Jason Statham movie there could ever be


  • Just Go With It - Utter garbage but probably not as bad as Jack And Jill is.


  • In Time - A bunch of good ideas poorly executed


  • Hobo With A Shotgun - Even worse than the name implies


  • Battle Of Los Angeles - NOT Battle: Los Angeles. The Asylum version which is worth watching with friends for a laugh but not amusing any other way


  • The Roommate - Have you ever heard of a movie? Then you know how this is going to go step by step


  • Columbiana - there is one good sequence in a police station. The rest is awful.


  • Straw Dogs - It's a scene by scene remake practically which means it serves no purpose unless you think relocating the movie from rural England to rural Louisiana means something.


  • The Hangover: Part 2 - the most like the original a sequel could possibly be


  • Limitless - Here's the thing. The brain doesn't work like the premise even suggests. Beyond that, just not good and putting DeNiro in anything is a sign it sucks


  • Sucker Punch - How does one ruin school girls fighting WWI zombies? Like this.


  • Drive Angry 3D - The 3D was pretty good. It had more depth than the characters - ZING!


  • Pirates Of The Caribbean: On Stranger Tides - just stop please.


  • Battle: Los Angeles - about as good as you think it is. If you think it's going to suck, you're right. If you think it's going to be awesome, you're right.


  • Fright Night - the first half is a good enough remake but the second half is just awful. A vampire neighbor terrorizing a kid is a solid premise for a legit horror movie.
  • Monday, December 27, 2010

    Movies of 2010

    Not listing the movies that came out in the USA in 2010 but came out previous to 2010. Sorry, Prophet and others.

    If you didn't see these movies, you wasted your life:
    • Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World - Considering my nerd boner for TRON: Legacy and how lame I thought the previews looked for Scott Pilgrim, I can't this is my #1 film of the year. It features the following lines, "Next time I'll be deadly serious next time" and "I don't think anything can get in the way of how I...SHIT!" and "I gotta pee on her." get this custom cover for it
    • TRON: Legacy - Loving this is probably karmic retaliation for thinking Avatar was loved too much even though it was middle school depth covered up with special effects.
    • Toy Story 3 - Better than Toy Story not as good as Toy Story 2. I shoot cried at the end.
    • The Social Network - probably the best overall movie of the year but it's no Scott Pilgrim or TRON: Legacy.
    • True Grit - Cobros, Jeff Bridges, western, why ain't you seen dis yet?
    s you should really see:
    • The American - George Clooney continues his string of movies for adults that are pretty good.
    • The Fighter - I apparently really like David O. Russell.
    • 127 Hours - The scene where Aron Ralston describes making choices leading to being alone with no hope of anyone finding him is insane and maybe better than the scene of him cutting off his own arm.
    • Greenberg - Ben Stiller finally impresses me. Noah Baumbach finally gives me a lukewarm impression.
    • Piranha 3D - A guy gets his penis bitten off (by piranha).
    • The Town -Ben Affleck directed and starred in a movie and it's not terrible. That moves it up a couple points just for that.
    • Iron Man 2 - good but nowhere near as good as the first. Necessary viewing because of how Marvel is going to tie all the movies together.
    • Exit Through The Gift Shop - What Is Art?: The Movie
    • Louis CK: Hilarious - Louis CK being hilarious
    • Inception - it uses practical effects which are super awesome but too much exposition to be truly great.
    • Buried - Just a great thriller with a great performance from Ryan Reynolds of all people.

    These are good, but don't go out of your way

    • Shutter Island - There isn't anything technically wrong with this but it's not that good
    • Black Swan - Aronofsky's constant need to remind you of the theme's killed this. Could have been great but was merely ok.
    • The Expendables - There are some movies you watch for subtle, nuanced performances. There are some you watch for testosterone and blood flying off the screen. This is somewhere in the middle.
    • Kick-Ass - worth seeing for Nicholas Cage's acting alone.
    • Predators - this would have been a better Predator 2 than Predator 2. Probably still not good enough to warrant being made.
    • Tangled - Kind of surprised that this was good.

    I guess these are good:

    • Salt - technically an all right movie.
    • Splice - predictable and creepy but not in the good, Black Christmas creepy way.
    • Machete - the extreme awesomeness of a guy using intestines as a rope is offset by the everything else that was kind of crappy.
    • Let Me In - This is better than this but just watch the original is so much better that I can't recommend it.
    • A Nightmare On Elm Street - not the worst in the series but the major update is that Freddy is a child molestor because apparently being a serial killer isn't bad enough.
    Don't waste your time
    • Book Of Eli - I didn't see anything good about this movie. heh
    • Alice In Wonderland - just a bland movie.
    • Resident Evil: Afterlife - laughably bad. Maybe I should have seen the first three, but that won't be happening.
    • Red- just google a picture of Helen Mirren holding a machine gun then watch a good movie for two hours
    • Standing Ovation - one of the worst movies I have ever seen ever.
    • Morning Glory - crap

    Saturday, August 21, 2010

    Finally! Choc-ola is back!

    So, as you probably guessed if this isn't your first visit here, this blog is pretty much dead. Sorry, but, you know, not having a life got in the way. Or maybe I'm just not quite as egotistical as I once was. Or maybe a bunch of other things. I guess if something totally mindblowing in my life happens, I can update and it just so happens that something totally mindblowing did happen.

    Now, I want to give you, the reader, a little bit of credit. So, guess what that mindblowing information is. Go back. Read the title again and maybe another time if necessary. If you still don't get it, read on.

    CHOC-OLA IS BACK!

    It is back under its real name. It isn't Chocolate Soldier. It's Choc-ola and oh my goodness this is the best, least anticipated news of my life. This is righting a social injustice of the highest degree.

    So, not only is it back. It is available in only one place (for now) and it happens to be Indianapolis. I would have gone wherever I needed to go to get Choc-ola and I only need to go about 25 minutes from home. Providence. Serendipity. Sheer good luck. I don't know what I did to earn this but there is no way I earned this.

    So, what happened? Right now, I don't know much. The gist is that a Choc-ola superfan bought the rights and formula to make Choc-ola. He's doing it because he is apparently the greatest person alive. So, I feel I owe it to the guy to get the word out as much as I can (this blog is part of it). He deserves to get paid for this and I want to keep Choc-ola alive. It's a win-win for everyone.

    So, how to you get it? The place to go is the Rock-Cola Café for either a glass or one gallon jug (the current website doesn't mention Choc-ola but this site ties the two together). A warning note: one gallon jugs ($8.99; $9.80 including tax) must apparently be ordered in advance. I don't know if a glass (size unknown as of this writing) needs to be ordered in advance. I assume the production volume is relatively low right now.

    So, how does it taste? Naturally, I drank just a bit as soon as I got to my car and it was 100% exactly how I remembered the final bottle of Chocolate Soldier. I've obviously had some since and it is slightly darker and richer in flavor like adding an extra scoop of NesQuik to a glass of milk. I've made sure to shake the jug every time. So, I'm not sure why it's darker later.

    I don't know if there is a variance in the batches. I'm not sure if the formula changed slightly over the years and this is based on a slightly different recipe I suspect the original formula didn't use high fructose corn syrup which modern Choc-ola and Chocolate Soldier used resulting in a drink exactly like the original but different than modern incarnations (like modern sodas are not the same meaning we have to resort to Throwback sodas).

    It's not a complaint but it is something that must be noted. The flavor is still the same but the one jug I have has has more flavor (and the aroma is stronger). So, take that however you want. Make sure to buy some though. Maybe my taste buds are wrong (not bloody likely).

    Make sure to buy some though. It's important.

    Thursday, January 28, 2010

    He died the way he lived. As a recluse.

    J. D. Salinger is dead. I suppose I'm bummed because Salinger is literally the only writer by whom I have read every single published word (do so yourself here because most of it is not in print). I am even more bummed because this means someone is seriously plotting to get the movie rights to The Catcher In The Rye and they are considering Shia LeBouf or Michael Cera for the role.

    I guess this is good news because all of the stuff he had been writing for the last forty years can finally get released to the public.

    Friday, January 08, 2010

    Domino's and morning news

    WZPL Domino's: We don't suck anymore.

    In case you hadn't had a Domino's pizza in a few years, you probably made a smart decision. As far as chain pizzerias go, it's the weakest. It's bad enough that even I haven't had it recently enough to remember when it was. Even worse, I can't even remember what Domino's tastes like.

    With this whole "pizza turnaround" thing at Domino's, I am almost interested in trying Domino's again. I'm still probably not going to any time soon because, let's face it, chain pizza is generally the most middling pizza in any community. Maybe not the worst but never anywhere near the best.

    Based on the video Domino's is using to promote their non-dog shit pizza, it's not a bad looking pizza. I don't care for the new buttery crust which will never displace Reggio's disappointing but famous butter crust.

    What also bothers me about this whole thing is CBS News covering the change. There is no way that CBS decided to cover Domino's new recipe the day after it was made public by coincidence. It's clearly Domino's buying advertising time on CBS and it being portrayed as news. I guess it's stupid to expect more than crap from morning news but come on.

    EDIT: Had it. It was pretty good but nothing spectacular.

    Thursday, December 31, 2009

    Best everything of the decade

    EDIT: I'm probably going to completely redo the whole moviefilm section o' this because I've gotten to rewatch a few movies and I plan on seeing a couple more I missed in the next few weeks. I realized that some stuff needs moved around after all that. Impetus being that I'm submitting a list of best films of the decade to The Spotless Minds and I want to do it right.

    Commence regular post.

    Decade isn't over but whatever. Decade is a man made term and we can make it mean whatever.

    Since blogs probably won't exist outside of professional "blogging" and on whatever has replaced Facebook/Twitter in ten years, I figure this is my only chance to get a best of the decade thing to you, the reader.

    I considered starting this earlier and actually spending some time on this thing. I then decided "Man, what a hassle; not gonna do it." Then I decided, as above, that I won't have the opportunity again. "Let's do it to it" as they say. In other words, there are major omissions I won't notice until whoops it's too late.

    There are a couple things you should know about the lists. They are ranked in general order of least most aweseom to most most awesome. So, it isn't set in stone and things would be in slightly different order depending on my mood. At the very least, this is a just a collection of things I think are pretty great.

    My biggest concern is not the order in which I ranked everything. I am more concerned that I picked stuff from the late 2000s because they are fresh. Or maybe I was intentionally leaving late 2000s things off their respective lists because I expect my love of them to be fleeting. I hope I was able to avoid all that nonsense but I doubt it.

    Video Games

    I am one of those "gamez can be art" people which means I'm the nerdiest of all video game players. Sorry sports and FPS games. Just push my chest, ask me what kind of faggot am I and go play something published by Electronic Arts. I'll be over here not dating the prom queen.

    10. Portal

    I miss puzzle games. Not Tetris "puzzle" games, but actual puzzle games which were pretty big in the NES era (Adventures of Lolo, Fire N Ice, Kickle Cubicle, etc.). It is most fortunate for me that something like Portal comes along and everyone gets a chance to see how fun they are. Well, fun and frustrating.

    Unlike classic puzzle games, there is a story better than "Save the thing from the thing." I'd probably rank this higher if nerd things like "The cake is a lie" wasn't basically the call of the wild nerd roaming the plains of the local Gen Con.

    9. Mega Man 9

    If you know me personally, you know I like the NES more than you. So, this is no real surprise. Mega Man has basically been a stale franchise since, oh, let's say Mega Man 3. It's built on formula. Why not just throw out the most un-new game possible that is still new? Stale franchise or not, I still played the hell out of this and consider it maybe the best in the series since Mega Man 2.

    8. The Legend Of Zelda: The Wind Waker

    The first Zelda game since The Legend Of Zelda where exploration is actually really important. Sure, A Link To The Past is my favorite Zelda but that sense of exploration just isn't there. Couple the exploration with completely awesome graphics and the game is just amazing. Also, it is a Zelda game which means it's all ready pretty great to begin with (which is why I preordered this before even owning a Gamecube).

    Part of me wants to put Ocarina Of Time: Master Quest on this list because it technically came out after 2000 and the sense of amazement I felt when I first saw Hyrule Field in the original Ocarina Of Time was that powerful. That would be cheating though.

    7. Silent Hill 2

    Why are things made this scary and why did I put myself through this half a dozen times? Trying to make sense of both questions probably involves trying to make sense of the game itself.

    6. Grand Theft Auto: Vice City

    Not the shock of GTA3 and not the polish of GTA4. More side games than GTA4 but not as bloated as San Andreas. Somewhere in the middle of these is Vice City. It's maybe the the most solid and most fun of the entire GTA series. If I were being honest with myself, I'd probably include Vice City and GTA4 on here. I guess I'm not. So, only Vice City made it.

    True story alert: I made up a dentist appointment so I could leave work and buy this game on release day.

    5. Ico

    A game so special that I literally couldn't even play it a second time for a few years after completing it. An example of minimalism story telling and beautiful graphics. There are maybe half a dozen plot advancing cut scenes throughout the game and it still affects you.

    4. Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater

    You know how Loveless essentially let everyone know that shoegazing existed and destroyed it simultaneously because no one could ever equal it. That is what the Metal Gear series did with stealth espionage games. MGS3 is the highlight of the series making it quite the gem indeed.

    Snake Eater wasn't just a step forward from MGS and a huge step forward from MGS2. It took every quibble from the first two Solid games and corrected them. Everything that you didn't even realize was a flaw was improved and it seems stunning in retrospect.

    And then you remember there is a man that can control bees for some reason and you just say, "uuuuughhhh."

    3. Shenmue II

    True story: The day a friend of mine got Shenmue for his Dreamcast, I literally almost called into work to watch him play. I didn't, but damn I was close. Number of times I have called into work for any reason since that day: three. So, Shenmue was pretty fucking awesome.

    I bought an XBox so that I could play Shenmue II because Microsoft's exclusivity rights in the US (this is why Shenmue II failed in my opinion) and because I'm not nerd enough to import games. Shenmue II was totally worth it. So, Shenmue II was pretty fucking awesome.

    WHERE IN THE HELL IS SHENMUE III?

    The last quarter of Shenmue is nothing but talking to a girl (video games giving video game dorks their first opportunity). So, it's not quite blockbuster material but did you see that ending? It's like Agent Cooper's doppleganger smashing a mirror with his face and Sledge Hammer blowing up California put together for twists.

    WHERE IN THE HELL IS SHENMUE III?

    Guess why I will not buy a Sega product for the rest of my life (no seriously)?

    2. Braid

    This is just, I mean, wow. So much thought put into this, I mean, the game play itself is a metaphor for the story. Man, it is just so amazing. When Soulja Boy says that there's no point to the game, I literally get angry. That's how awesome it is and it's only $15. GET IT NOW!

    Jonathan Blow could develop nothing but direct ports of E. T. for the rest of his life and I would probably get excited.

    Not about a bomb.

    1. Shadow Of The Colossus

    While Jonathan Blow gets a free pass for any game he makes in the future that sucks, Fumito Ueda (director of Shadow Of The Colossus AND Ico) could literally fart in my face and I'd be all right with it. You know why? Because he is the director of Shadow Of The Colossus AND Ico.

    Shadow Of The Colossus takes minimalism potentially further than even Ico which only has a handful of cutscenes throughout. Shadow essentially works this way

    "Fight this monster"
    "I fought the monster. Now what?"
    Repeat 15 more times

    Ready to buy it yet? Trust me on this. It's worth your time. Shadow Of The Colossus is basically the colossus and everything else is standing in its shadow (how's that for mature symoblism?).

    Television Shows

    10. Pushing Daisies

    If you can get beyond how twee Pushing Daisies is, and that is a massive hurdle, you'll find a wonderful show. Pushing Daisies about as saccharine as a sneezing baby panda and a tired kitten struggling to stay awake set on repeat for an hour. So, prepare yourself if "cutesy" isn't part of your lexicon.

    The show is basically a supernatural murder mystery of the week which doesn't sound all that sweet. But the gruesome murders are just set up for a love story, food porn, Kristen Chenoweth (and her breasts), knitting, pop up books, basically everything that anyone might possibly consider thinking about describing as "just darling."

    Push passed all that and it's such a fun show. It has so many quick, subtle and hilarious moments that even the average person would have to get swept up in it. Pushing Daisies made me laugh at a spit take (which was also adorable) and that's something. I'd sit through just about anything sugary if it can make something like a spit take work.

    9. Dancing With The Stars

    I just love the art of dance! Couple that with the thrills associate with all reality television and what a combo! It's more than that though as if that wasn't a big enough bang fer yer buck! You get some of your favorite celebrities in on the action. So, we're really upping the ante and this is just the idea stage. Seeing it in action is a whole 'nother level. And this is on free, over the air television?

    "I call that a bargain. The best I ever had!!!!!" - The Who.

    Just kidding. I don't watch this.

    9. Curb Your Enthusiasm

    Curb Your Enthusiasm makes a pretty strong case that society has, on one level, come to its senses. Simply by existing, Curb Your Enthusiasm proves that we, as a society, can finally admit what I have known all along: George Costanza is the best character on Seinfeld, not Kramer. I'm glad to know you finally caught up with me. Curb isn't quite The George Costanza Show, but it's the closest thing we've got.

    8. Gilmore Girls

    Just shut up. SHUT UP. There is nothing wrong with a man in his 20s loving Gilmore Girls is great. Well, maybe not the last season when Sherman-Palladino was pseudo forced out and the characters became annoying quirk fests that all the non-fans think the cast had been for all the previous seasons except, to make the new, lamer versions of the cast seem less annoying, they add Rory's two art school friends and oh my god how lame could it be.

    Of course, it's hard to argue that the losing Sherman-Palladino was the worst thing ever since her last season in control involved a lengthy plot regarding a long lost daughter. I swear it was well written. I promise. Gah. How can I defend this?

    Is it less emascualting if I say Lauren Graham was really hot as my defense (and skip using the word "heartwarming" which it totally was)?

    PS - Kelly Bishop and Edward Herrmann are perfectly cast.

    7. Futurama

    Futurama is exactly what The Simpsons is supposed to still be...except in space. It's not as funny as The Simpsons in its heyday, but I'd take it over what we've been getting since season nine.

    What Futurama has been able to do is not just be really, really funny is also be extremely heartbreaking. I like that, on occasion, Futurama throws you for a loop by not knowing what's coming. You want to laugh your ass off? How about crying because a blackhole just destroyed someone's chance at love?

    6. Lost

    Lost is proof that networks shouldn't be involved with television. Conjecture: ABC is responsible for almost every problem that affected Lost.

    Had Lost gotten the shorter run the creators wanted from the beginning, would we have suffered through the overly long second and third seasons? Would we have wasted time on the Jack/Sawyer/Kate love triangle (worst part of the show)? Maybe we would have and maybe not. I'm sure some Lost obsessives could answer better than I could.

    All I know is that Lost got way better when the creators said, "We want this end date and we're wrapping shit up." So, I'll just blame the suits on this one. Sure, hating on Lost is part of the appeal but I totally prefer liking things.

    5. It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia

    Hilarious and boring has a very thin line separating them when the line is shock value. Always Sunny sees the line and walks right up to it while rarely crossing it (unlike Family Guy which practically bought property on the wrong side). It's an amazing feat because you don't even notice how disgusting the characters are until later. "Was I just laughing at child molestation? Yeah, I guess I was."

    Better than the shock value is how the characters interact. If one character supports something wholeheartedly, another hates that thing wholeheartedly and that's where the true beauty rests. It's five characters serving themselves as much to prove their only friends wrong as much to prove themselves right. It's amazing seeing stubborn assholes argue snap decisions with such vitriol.

    4. Arrested Development

    Unpopular opinion: Fox cancelling Arrested Development is the best thing to happen to Arrested Development and its fans. Allow me to explain.

    It is not possible to keep that pace forever. It isn't. Even the third season had some minor faults. Beyond that, how long is something like "Her?" going to be funny? Would AD have stayed great for another few seasons? Maybe. Or maybe we'd be sitting here wondering why AD squandered all its good will like The Simpsons started doing in season 9. I'd rather have a really short, wonderful show than a longer show running on empty after a few years. And here's proof that I'm right:

    3. The Office (UK)

    Perfect. Not joking there isn't a single misstep in the series. Yes, the final five minutes of the Christmas special are a total tonal shift from the preceeding 445 minutes. The ending isn't even deserved by three of the four main protagonists but who the fuck cares. It's still perfect. You all ready got one perfect ending with the second series.

    PS - US Office is kind of a turd accept for that Michael/Holly relationship which was the best thing in the entire five years of US Office.

    2. Freaks And Geeks

    I have a soft spot for television shows that realistically portray nerds on television (psst - this is because I'm a nerd in real life). Not the nerds that Saved By The Bell had, but the real nerds that exist. Freaks And Geeks is the best portrayal of nerds in high school ever.


    More than geeks, Freaks and Geeks also--get this--has "freaks" in the stoner, non-sideshow way. As someone that made the Lindsey like transition from geek to freak, yeah, this show gets me pretty hard. Hard enough that only having half a season air this decade makes in #2 for me.


    Also, Bill Haverchuck is my favorite television character right after George Costanza. Back to the realism for a second. Bill Haverchuck is the most visibly obvious geek on the show and is even written as the biggest geek on the show. Despite that, he is definitely not the smartest character. In fact, he's probably closer to the bottom in intelligence which is just not going for the stereotype. But it isn't pushing him in the opposite direction for false character either. It's just being realistic which is probably what helped get it cancelled.


    PS - The moment in television history that made me wince the most is Sam Weir wanting to back out of Dungeons & Dragons. Then someone asks him if he'll play as Logan with them and I remember that I played Advanced Dungeons & Dragons as a kid as a character named Logan once.


    1. The Wire

    It's the best show ever. So, being the best of the decade is a given.

    Most television shows don't respect themselves, their characters or their audiences. It's why we have catchphrases and Steve Urkels. Go for the easy, familiar material. No sense in anyone being challenged.

    For the creators of The Wire and hopefully larger audiences in the future, this isn't the case. They don't make it easy on themselves or the viewers. They have respect for everyone, even the fictional characters, and everyone is challenged. Everyone is put through the ringer and everyone is explored unflinchingly. The writers, the characters and the audience.

    Just do yourself a favor and watch it. Give it two episodes (the first episode is too doofy, cop show stereotype to be representative because "CAN YOU HEAR MY DICK?!?!?!" and symbolism so thick and hamfisted that the credits should be a slo-mo shot of a guy literally pissing into the wind). The second episode should alleviate all fears even if it has some bad bits (McNulty sure is a drunken Irish cop!).

    Challenge: watch the first two episodes and then don't spend all your waking time waiting to watch the next 58 as soon as humanly possible.

    Albums

    For a music geek, I don't follow music news like I should. I don't read Pitchfork or Rolling Stone or NME or whatever the hip magazine is these days. I get into the trends well after the hip kids have moved onto whatever I currently think is weird and scary. The music I spent the most time enjoying in the past decade may not even be from this decade or even my lifetime. For every major album listed here, assume there were 20 albums from 20 years ago I was digging as much (typically).

    Where possible, I have included links to Lala.com where you can legally hear the album for free. I think you have to sign up but, other than a few emails a month, it is commitment free.

    I have also decided to list a song (or sometimes more than one) that is a pretty good starter for the album if you haven't heard it yet (I recommend listening to everything on all of them). I may not have picked the best or even my favorite song from the album, I typically picked something I felt was representative.

    20. Beck - Sea Change

    A great album but I prefer Beck in mildly humorous sample mode. If you just got dumped and want to mope around or something, this is the go to Beck album because Devil's Haircut doesn't quite work on that front.

    Track of choice: Guess I'm Doing Fine

    19. Pearl Jam - Pearl Jam

    Not Pearl Jam's best by a longshot. Maybe it doesn't deserve to be here because it's not truly "great." Maybe I should drop it and move the half dozen albums that nearly made this up a spot. All I know is I jammed the hell out of this for the first few months of release.

    The key to enjoyment is don't look at the cover and let a bunch of dudes in their 40s rock more than most dudes in their 40s are allowed to rock. Let Pearl Jam finally make an album that's not overwrought with their "oh, woe is me" lyrics and is, in fact, kind of positive in places. Then never listen to Backspacer because who the hell cares about Backspacer?

    Track of choice: Life Wasted

    18. Beck - Guero

    Legit probably my favorite Beck album. I know Odelay is a thing but, I don't know, beyond the singles it doesn't move me. Maybe I never got into Odelay soon enough but Guero is such a great album that I'll give it the nod. Depending on how down I am, this could switch places with Sea Change in a heartbeat.

    Track of choice: Hell Yes

    17. Tool - Lateralus (no link, sorry)

    Until 10,000 Days was released, every Tool album made all their preceding albums seem like parp in comparison. 10,000 Days comes out and I think, "I guess so." Maybe I lost my interest in Tool or maybe I was expecting too much. It was the first Tool album to not blow me away and, as such, Lateralus is the album to love. It's metal for people that aren't into Vikings. If you are looking for something heavy without being too wankery.

    Track of choice: Parabol/Parabola

    16. Burial - Untrue

    It's kind of hard for me to say something about instrumental electronic beyond, "Pretty great."

    "Pretty great."

    Track of choice: Etched Headplate

    15. The White Stripes - Get Behind Me Satan

    As great as White Blood Cells and Elephant are, both have some weak patches. Get Behind Me Satan doesn't. The highs aren't as high but those boring bluesy songs don't get in the way of a solid album. If I were doing more albums, White Blood Cells might make it. If Elephant had half the tracks, Elephant might make it.

    Track of choice: Blue Orchid I guess

    14. Interpol - Turn On The Bright Lights

    hay new york you know what will help you get over 911? a joy division cover band!

    Turn On The Bright Lights is an album of its time which just so happens to be post 9/11 New York. I don't know why but it puts me right in that time period and fills me with that weird feeling that permeated most of us until some time in 2002. It's cathartic feeling that way about September 11th again because most of us spent the next few years hating Bush and Giuliani for using September 11th as a reason to push for anti-abortion laws and tap our phones.

    Track of choice: NYC

    13. Kanye West - 808s And Heartbreak

    Kanye takes douchebaggery to the point of it actually being assholish but I listen to his music. As soon as he puts out a spoken word album, I'll give a shit about his dongish tendencies. Until then, the guy knows how to make music.

    The "educated" hipsters will say that The College Dropout is the better album and, were it Jesus Walks on repeat a dozen times, I'd be on board. 808s and Heartbreak is Kanye's Blood On The Tracks: stripped down to the raw post-break up nerves only a life in showbiz can produce. It's never going to get out from under the beats and ego of his preceding albums but who cares?

    It's interesting that, at his most open and emotional, Kanye West is still extremely misogynistic.

    Track of choice: Welcome To Heartbreak

    12. The Flaming Lips - Yoshimi Battles The Pink Robots

    Yeah, the album loses focus a couple times but the peaks are still pretty great. The highlights are certainly strong enough to raise the weak spots. Even if that's not a strong enough selling point, it's a concept album (or at least four songs) about fighting robots with karate. If that doesn't get you to listen, why do I even know you?

    Track of choice: Do You Realize?? (yes, the second question mark is part of the title)

    11. AFX - Chosen Lords (sowwy, no links)

    "Pretty great"

    Track of choice: Fenix Funk 5

    10. Radiohead - In Rainbows

    I have a weird fascination with non-pop groups put out their version of a pop album. You know, like when The Velvet Underground released Loaded despite being the 1960s version of noise rock? In Rainbows isn't some big statement like OK Computer or Kid A. It's just a bunch of really great songs.

    Track of choice: Videotape

    9. LCD Soundsystem - Sound Of Silver

    This just has a great energy and catchy songs that are surprisingly deep for catchy, energetic songs. It tricks you into thinking it's nothing but dance songs. Then it hits you that there is something there beyond dance music.

    Track of choice: All My Friends

    8. Wilco - Yankee Hotel Foxtrot

    What can be said about this that hasn't been said? Wilco strips rock to its roots or something. There is something strange about singing about Ashes of American flags immediately after September 11. It's bold and weird which is exactly what Yankee Hotel Foxtrot is.

    Track of choice: Jesus, etc.

    7. Portishead - Third

    When will we be far enough away from Dummy to admit that it isn't all that great? I enjoy it but Third was the first Portishead album I loved. The second half is so all over the place jumping from the extremely aggressive Machine Gun to the fragile Deep Water but it manages to stay in the same melancholy area.

    Track of choice: We Carry On

    6. Björk - Vespertine

    This is quite the intimate album. I don't mean intimate in the sexual sense even though the album is more deserving of the title "Songs About Fucking" than Big Black's "Songs About Fucking." It's intimate in that it is seeing someone at their most open. This album is the musical equivilant of sitting in a cabin wrapped in a heavy blanket next to a fireplace in the middle of a blizzard...or doing it.

    Track of choice: Hidden Place

    5. Of Montreal - Hissing Fauna, Are You The Destroyer?

    I can't even believe how much I listened to this album. It's not much like anything I've bothered to listen to more than a couple times. Despite its extremely poppy sound, it's dark as hell. Not many people willing to put their marriage falling apart into music make it this obvious. The specifics never make it to the final album because any number of reasons. Too scared to expose yourself, too personal to be popular to a big enough audience, too whatever to whatever. Hissing Fauna gets pretty personal and it's all the better for it.

    Track of choice: Heimdalsgate Like A Promethean Curse

    4. Sigur Rós - ()

    Naming and album () is maybe the most pretentious thing ever. It's even worse than leaving something untitled. Then it just made sense to me. The album is separated into two halves that are similar but completely opposed. Like a set of parentheses, each half of () is its mirror opposite pointing toward the other and completing itself.

    Track of choice: You really need to listen to the whole thing in one sitting to "get" it.

    3. Fleet Foxes - Fleet Foxes

    Mountain/folk music with perfect harmonies? It worked! It's also the most addicting listen of the last few years.

    Track of choice: Blue Ridge Mountains

    2. Arcade Fire - Funeral

    Even before I could pay attention to the lyrics, I was right there getting punched in the stomach by the maudlin arrangements of Funeral. Funeral easily sneaks into your head and pushes you into this weird place that is a mix of loss and hope.

    Track of choice: Rebellion (Lies)

    1. Radiohead - Kid A

    Stereotypical choice as all get out for best of the decade. It's like picking Sgt. Pepper for best of the 60s. Maybe in 30 years, Kid A will be seen as the Sgt. Pepper of the 2000s. The only difference is that Kid A is the fucking jam and Sgt. Pepper never deserved its reputation other than being extremely representative of a small time period.

    It doesn't move me like it did a few years ago but the mountains on the cover will call me again. I'll be there in that world of Kid A again. And I'll go, "yeah, still a better choice for best of the decade than Sgt. Pepper is for the 60s."

    Track of choice: Man, I don't even know. Just play the whole thing if you haven't heard it yet (AKA live on Mars).

    Movies

    For an emotionless loner, I have a lot of movies about love and relationships in my favorites of the decade. In my defense, I don't have any really schmaltzy romantic movies.

    This is the section where I'm most worried I left out the best stuff of the decade. I'll never see all the movies I need to see. List is mostly compiled of movies that struck me emotionally and left an impact.

    20. Lars And The Real Girl

    For the goofiest premise in a while, this is a serious look at a quiet, 27 year old living in a garage. How is the story of a man in love with a sex doll not creepy as hell? Every time where it could easily wander into being too weird to work, it stops and moves on.

    19. Moon

    Hard science fiction films don't come our way often. See them when we are lucky enough to get them. It's not 2001 but it's still an awesome film. It covers a lot of the standard science fiction ideas (nature of life, loneliness, etc.) but it covers them well.

    18. District 9

    This is probably one of those movies that doesn't make it to a best of the decade list if it came out a few years before the end of the decade. Yes, Sharlto Copley's performance is deserving of an Oscar. Yes, it's a science fiction movie with a larger message (like all good science fiction). Yes, it looks like a $60 million dollar movie on a $30 million dollar budget.


    Yeah, it probably deserves to be on a list of the top of the decade somewhere even if it's not placed this high.

    17. Clovenfield [sic]

    Do I need to say that I watched monster movies a ton as a kid or does including this make that point for me? My middle school years meant every Friday night would find me at home watching MonsterVision on TNT because it never occurred to me that there was something better to be doing with my life.

    For all my indifference toward J. J. Abrams, Clovenfield is one of the most fun movies of the decade. It's maybe not Snakes On A Plane level fun, but oh there is something about pretty New York hipsters getting trampled to death.

    16. Requiem For A Dream

    Movies don't get this intense very often. So intense that watching this again may never happen for me. It portrays addiction and the ensuing struggle so accurately that it's all too much for me.

    15. Synechdoche, New York

    I keep meaning to watch this again because it's streaming on Netflix. I had to see it in theaters based entirely on Charlie Kaufman's name on the script (you know, the guy that wrote the 1977 2000 episode of Get A Life). When I left, I wasn't sure how I felt and I still don't know for certain. It's definitely the movie Kaufman was been working toward for years. It's the most ambitious movie of the decade. For that, it deserves a spot in spite of it's minor flaws.

    14. Yi Yi

    Life is small moments. This is nearly three hours of small moments for one family in Taiwan and it is beautiful.

    13. Half Nelson

    This movie is a bit too after school special to be a considered great. It's not proper after school special material because no one gets better or gets help. I love Ryan Gosling in this. I don't know why this got me so hard but it was stunned silent after watching this.

    12. WALL·E

    WALL·E is the most sexist movie of the year in that furthers the stereotypes of our patriarchal, male dominated society for children. The male robot is a hunter gatherer. The female is the sole protector of life which she keeps in her belly. Once the woman becomes a literal incubator, her only goal in life is achieved and she can be functionally dead.

    Why is a story of two robots one of the most enjoyable love stories of the decade?

    11. Oldboy

    The average revenge flick puts you in the mind of the revenger of vengeance by simply showing you the bodies of his wife and kids killed for no good reason by local thugs. Oldboy lets you find out, with the protagonist, that things happen for a reason. A totally fucked up reason but a reason nonetheless.

    But what sets Oldboy apart from others in its genre is that it all seems purposeful. It touches on some pretty out there subjects. It gets pretty dark. It gets pretty violent. It never feels like it's trying to shock you even though a synopsis of the movie is shocking.

    10. The Royal Tennenbaums

    What resonates most with me in Wes Anderson movies is that no one is really dealing with the emotional things going on around them. Things happen and everyone is pretty distant the whole time. Emotions rarely get to the surface. The Royal Tennenbaums is probably the strongest example of this in Anderson's work.

    9. There Will Be Blood

    I can't defend this movie. So, don't ask me what it's all about. I can't tell you other than some vague stuff about a descent into obsession and losing your soul on the way down.

    I saw this in theaters and thought it was an okay movie with some pretty solid craft. I bought it on blu-ray because it was really cheap and I was struck dumb by it. Why is watching a complete asshole obsess over being the best, small time oil driller stunning? It just is.

    8. Lost In Translation

    Movie opens with a shot of Scarlett Johansson's butt.

    7. No Country For Old Men

    If you will permit me, I'd like to go back to the previous movie for a minute because, let's face it, Scarlett Johansson's butt is unspectacular when compared to literally everything else on Scarlett Johansson's body.

    I am a sucker for films where people are in the midst of vague existential crises and they find stability in each other. Most movies today are about how people are ultimately alone and will never find a like sole. So, just seeing those same types of people connect in any way is better than the bland landscape of crap where most movies exist.

    I am also a bit of a sucker for Bill Murray's effortless performances that dot his career. The ones where he appears to have stumbled into a movie set, the cameras kept rolling and Bill Murray plays himself or at least that image of Bill Murray that people have (GhostBusters, this, Stripes, Garfield: A Tale Of Two Kitties).

    I am a sucker for love stories that aren't romantic comedies or schmaltzy crap that only happens in movies with John Cusack.

    I am a sucker for anything with My Bloody Valentine anywhere near it.

    7. No Country For Old Men (for real this time)

    For all the buttholes that knock the ending, the movie is about Tommy Lee Jones. Watch it again. The Brand from Goonies/Tony "Ultimo Badass or sumpin" Sugar beef is just a for instance of things Tommy Lee Jones sees that make him realize there is no country for this old man. The opening narration sets it all up. The movie is better once you realize that.

    Also, Anton Chigurh is one of the best performances of the last few years. Its understated simplicity betrays being a remorseless, amoral murderer. It's much more striking than the typical evil killer that can't be stopped until he accomplishes his goal.

    6. Before Sunset

    The movie least likely to have or in least need of a sequel is Before Sunrise. The ambiguity of the ending what elevates it above the average will they or won't they movie. So the idea of a sequel is blasphemous. After a few minutes, any blasphemous thoughts are out the window. It's a natural progression and the characters are so believable that you are with them again in the moment. Somehow, Before Sunset is better than Before Sunrise which puts it on a short list of films that aren't worse than the original.

    5. Mulholland Dr.

    First, this was a television pilot. A fucking television pilot. Can you believe this was going to be a series? I mean, holy shit, this was meant for television. What in the world was ABC thinking with this one? They cancelled David Lynch's last television effort and he gained, to my knowledge, no critical or audience acclaim. How is this a thing to be mesmerized by and love when it never should have made it out of the meeting room?

    This came along when my love for David Lynch was at it's peak which helps cement it's place on the list. It couldn't have come at a better time for me. Lynch continues his exploration into the life of a disturbed, emotionally tortured woman and escapism fantasy. This time, it works better than ever.

    4. The New World

    First of all, Terrence Malick. That should be all you need to know. Secondly, maybe the most beautifully shot film of the decade which having Terence Malick attached should be a given. The exploration of new land as metaphor for love.

    3. In The Mood For Love

    Just schmaltzy enough to work as a romance film. Realistic enough to work for people without vaginas. It's as passionate a look at unrequited love as we're likely to see. There is something about seeing these two people follow the rules when they have every reason to break them.

    2. City Of God

    more like a city that needs more god if you ask me!

    1. Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind

    Eternal Sunshine is almost two hours of proving why people say, "If I had it to do all over again, I'd wouldn't change a thing." We wouldn't. People don't change. Even with the benefit of hindsight, we do the same things over again.

    This movie is filled with those little moments tucked away in everyone's memory that we don't need to discuss. That's what makes this such a powerful movie. It's keen look inside all of us.

    Also, Eternal Sunshine tricked me into thinking Jim Carrey wasn't a complete waste of time which is pretty notable.

    Well, that's it for everything. If you disagree, feel free to be wrong.

    Saturday, December 19, 2009

    2009 Movies In Review

    I didn't watch nearly the amount of movies this year as I normally do. I opted instead to watch movies I really wanted to see instead of wasting my time.

    As usual, not listing movies I saw that were released outside of the USA in years previous only for us to finally get it this year (Sorry, Ponyo). Also as usual, some bad computer shit went down and I lost the list I made of all the movies I saw. Basically, I don't remember everything I saw

    If you didn't see these movies, you wasted your life:

    • Where The Wild Things Are - Number of movies that respect children instead of saying "Ehh, it's just a movie for kids" includes this and Up.
    • Watchmen - mayhap my favorite movie of the year. Why is Best Buy always out of the Ultimate Cut blu ray
    • District 9 - Probably the best performance of the year is whoever starred in this. Also, movie is great.
    • Moon - We get maybe one hard science fiction movie a decade. This is it.
    • The Road - Feel good movie of the year!
    Movies you really should see:
    • Up - I legit cried during this at the part where he's looking at the book again.
    • Inglourious Basterds - Quentin Tarantino's best movie because it didn't feel like Quentin Tarantino Tarantinoizing every shitty Japanese movie he'd ever seen since into a giant mess.
    • Crank: High Voltage - Only reason this is not the best movie of the year is because it could never live up to the movie in my head. In some ways, it is more ridiculous but in other ways, it is not.
    • Funny People - Don't go into this movie thinking it's a comedy because it's not a comedy. That is the key to starting to appreciate this movie.
    • A Serious Man - We get maybe zero serious look at religion movies a decade that aren't Kirk Cameron saying, "Have you considered a change in your life?" This is it.
    • Mega Shark Vs. Giant Octopus - The average person will probably not enjoy this but it is awesome for genre fans like me. I'd say it's almost worth watching just to see the cut to an extreme close up of Lorenzo Lamas saying, "Whooaa! What the?"

    These are good but don't go out of your way:

    • The Hangover - Probably the funniest movie of the year but only because Crank: High Voltage could never live up to my expectations.
    • Paranormal Activity - I respect this more than I liked it but it didn't scare me. Maybe it will scare you.
    • Avatar - Last Samurai remade by the people that made Delgo.

    I guess these are good:

    • The Men Who Stare At Goats - Movie was okay but not up to the standard of the cast or true life story.
    • The Girlfriend Experience - This is one of those Steven Soderbergh "experimental" movies. That's about all you need to know. Also, STARS PORN STAR YOU'VE NEVER HEARD OF BECAUSE HOW MANY PORN STARS CAN YOU NAME!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    • Friday The 13th - Better than Friday the 13th: Jason Takes Manhattan and Jason Goes To Hell. Worse than every other Friday the 13th.
    Don't waste your time:

    • Hotel For Dogs - There was one part that made me laugh and I don't even remember what was said. So, best part of movie is forgettable.
    • I Love You, Beth Cooper - I technically didn't even watch this whole thing because I was running projection and wanted a movie I could miss bits of without feeling I had missed anything. I probably saw 90% of the first hour and 20 minutes and maybe five minutes of the last 20. Aaaaanyywaaaay, key to making a movie about a likeable zhlub is making him likeable instead of the worst character in the film.
    • Ink - This was recommended to me via Netflix as a movie I would love (though it predicted a rating of "really liked it." The correct rating is that I turned it off after 20 minutes which is pretty bad because I have sat through some real crap just to say I watched it.
    • The International - It's not that this movie is necessarily bad, it just never gets to be good.
    • Confessions Of A Shopaholic - "Women be shoppin' WOMEN BE SHOPPIN' YA'LL CAN'T STOP A WOMAN FROM SHOPPING!" There is seriously one great moment in this movie. A homeless woman sings a couple lines of You're Breaking My Heart by Harry Nilsson for no reason and that is legit one of the best things ever this year.

    Tuesday, November 10, 2009

    Steve Tyler quit Aerosmith

    Does this mean there will have one band that sounds exactly like Aerosmith and one band that sounds exactly like Aerosmith with an unpopular replacement singer? Which band will be worse?

    When the best possible outcome of a situation is an Aerosmith reunion, just ugh.

    EDIT: Steven Tyler back in Aerosmith. Guh.

    Monday, November 02, 2009

    Heh

    Seeing Noble Roman's listed first on Yahoo's Top 15 Franchise Failures pretty much makes my day.

    Who would have thought that a company that hires multiple crack addicts for managers wouldn't make it? Welp...

    Sunday, November 01, 2009

    Hear Ye! Hear Ye!

    Daylight Saving Time proclaimed crappy by all.


    I'm sort of--only sort of, not completely--over hating Daylight Saving Time. I still hate it but it's not a true hatred it. It's more like "Oh yeah, I still hate it but who has the energy" kind of hatred which isn't really the same thing. What I do still hate is the argument "We're getting more daylight...a DOY!!!!!!!!" as if we could actually do that somehow.


    What Daylight Saving Time actually is is trick people into thinking they are not getting up an hour earlier. That's all it is. Can we please just acknowledge this? Please?


    Also, I love that we have decided to move Daylight Saving Time to after Halloween. The idea that we are kowtowing to candy companies in our legislation makes me extremely happy. We're only on Daylight Saving Time more than we're on standard time now. So, what's the big deal?

    Saturday, October 31, 2009

    No reason to live

    There is no more Chocolate Soldier nee Choc-ola in the world (well, most likely not) and, honestly, why should I bother going on in life?

    Since I discovered that my life was an empty shell and that a chocolate beverage held more sway over me than most everything, I had been saving one bottle of Chocolate Soldier. I guess having it was a comfort in this hateful world where people can't even bother buying enough Choc-ola to keep it in production. Part of me always hoped that wanting Choc-ola back enough would simply cause production to start again [Lord knows calling the company wasn't going to help (I called once to confirm it wasn't in production. I'm not that lame to keep calling.)].

    I wanted to save it for a special occasion like going into space to make it that much more awesome or if I were so depressed that literally nothing but the wonderful taste of Choc-ola could bring me back from the brink of despair. I didn't do that though. It expired 10/09 which meant today 10-31-09 was the last day I could possibly have it without it being potentially spoiled (this would be treason against myself).

    So, I basically the last pure thing on Earth is gone and I have nothing but memories and the bottle. I guess I could hope for the scant possibility of stupid Cadbury (as last I heard owns Choc-ola but I'm not sure after the demerger) will sense the great injustice in the universe and pore all their energy into Choc-ola instead of disgusting Cadbury eggs. What reason do I have for going on in this horrible world?

    Monday, October 19, 2009

    Simpsons air a Treehouse of Horror before Halloween?

    It happened!

    Also it was really good. Probably the best Halloween episode in years. I would legit pay money to watch the third act in performed as a play.

    So, this movie Paranormal Activity has been extremely popular at work (making up over 40% attendance some days). I figure I should mention that it is not scary. Remember in Blair Witch when you spent forever waiting for stuff to get scary and it would only get scary for about a minute before returning to being wholly unscary for another 10 minutes? It's exactly like that except that the scares are extremely predictable.

    The first time they set up the camera in the bedroom, I said "Oh, so essentially all of the scares are going to happen in the hallway on the left side of the screen. It's going to try to scare me by doing the following things..." I didn't predict each specific scare but you know where it's going a few minutes before hand because jeez it's always really obvious to anyone that has seen a haunted house movie before.

    For example, there is a Ouija board scene and guess how it ends. If you said that the planchette doesn't move of it's own accord (potentially demonically moved), then you are incorrect. It's filled with moments like that. It's not to say these moments aren't well done which, despite some weak acting and a couple story points, everything is well done. It's too easy to see where everything is going for anyone that is familiar with horror movies for this too work.

    Tuesday, September 29, 2009

    Because you demanded it

    Marmaduke is becoming a movie. I literally could have been reading the comics this morning and not have come up with an idea this stupid.

    I personally can't wait for the scene where Marmaduke, while wearing a trench coat and fedora, is coming out of the butcher shop with a string of sausages in his mouth and the veteran butcher says to the new butcher "I told you that customer looked suspicious." I also can't wait for the DVD in hopes that Joe Mathlete gets to do a commentary track.

    Prediction on the first 30-45 seconds of the trailer: It will begin as a parody of whichever superhero movie is going to be big next summer (Iron Man 2 or something). It will probably be a close up of what we, the audience, believe to be a logo or the suit of said superhero. The announcer will say something like, "This summer, get ready for the greatest name in comic history."

    Three second pause.

    "Maaaaaaaaaaarmaduuuuuuuuuuuke!" yelled from extreme close up of mouth as it zooms out to reveal whoever plays Phil Winslow, Marmaduke's owner (I've considered that it may cut to two or three people yelling "Marmaduke" to indicate that Marmaduke, as we all know, angers a lot of people because he is a big dog.). I'm going to stick to the person yelling being none other than Phil Winslow because I suspect the "plot" of Marmaduke: The Movie will be similar to Beethoven.

    Cue the song Papa's Got A Brand New Bag, I Got You (I Feel Good), Super Bad or some other upbeat James Brown song that isn't It's A Man's Man's Man's World or Say It Loud. The song may actually begin with a record scratch.

    Marmaduke's head will appear from one of three hilarious locations: a big pile of sausages, a big pile of suds (most likely from a washing machine being overloaded with soap when Dottie tries to wash him), or from a hole in the ground that Marmduke himself has been digging.

    At this point, the trailer will show the "funny" bits of the movie which will essentially be nothing more than a recreation of several Marmaduke dailies.

    In all seriousness, does anyone enjoy Marmaduke?

    By the way, this is my 420th post. BLAZE UP HOMIES! BECAUSE 420 MEANS GETTIN' HIGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Monday, September 21, 2009

    The worst part about washing your mobile phone is...

    knowing you will never get that score on Tetris back again. The inconvenience of not having a phone does not compare to the loss I feel.

    Unrelated note: this article on The Onion is probably the best.

    Wednesday, September 09, 2009

    In case you are the only one who hadn't heard

    bird is the word. Also...

    Literally anyone worth a toss has been looking forward to the big release of that dumb movie 9 that ain't no we don't have a midnight show of the Beatle remasters today. Being worth at least two tosses, I preordered the mono box. I am pretty happy with it even though the outer box arrived in less than perfect shape.

    I've been wanting the catalogue remastered for years and was tired of stupid stupid remixes to go with remasters. I skipped The Yellow Submarine "song"track completely despite having Hey Bulldog on it. I skipped Beatles Love. I skipped 1. I wanted what The Beatles had done instead of some doofus 30 years later saying, "How about we boost the bass a bit for some extra punch?"

    Side note: I bought Let It Be...Naked despite being new mixes because it was "what the Beatles intended." It was actually further from what was originally intended being full of edits among other things. Across The Universe was pretty great on it though.

    Anyway, I've been avoiding this whole remastered Beatles thing until I'd finally get what I want. I finally got it and it's pretty great thus far. The first thing to which I listened was one second of Day Tripper while I skipped to Hey Bulldog. My initial thoughts were "Yeah, this is better but I'm not blown away as promised." So, I went to the beginning of the mono version of Past Masters. Day Tripper, though is obviously corrected because there is no guitar drop out (there go the claims of not being remixed which burns me because, though it's probably technically better, I want the originals), and We Can Work It Out sounded fine and all. I still wasn't remastered, rediscovered The Beatles at all. Then the harmonies on Paperback Writer came on and changed my mind. I realized that I won't be in constant awe but it's the little bits that come to me that will hit me.

    So far, I've only listened to Revolver all the way through (not the mono Pepper for some reason even though I've spent big bux just to get a mono version on a crumby bootleg). It's really awesome hearing stuff now that I wasn't really all that aware of before. The best description, for those that haven't all ready bought the remasters, is like listening to Loveless the first time and the next few times: the album isn't any different but you still hear it differently and it's suddenly way better.

    I have a major gripe with the mono box though. Why include stereo versions of Help! and Rubber Soul? I'm glad to have them but DO THAT FOR EVERY ALBUM ORIGINALLY MIXED IN STEREO! Why didn't you include them all and have one giant box set. Just call it the definitive Beatles box or something stupid. I'd have all the albums right now instead of deciding on buying the stereo box or just the CDs not included in the mono box.

    I'll also need the stereo white album (the stereo Pepper for all its speed differences can whatever all over the place for all I care). I can live with the minor differences in mixing between the mono and stereo versions (different bird sounds on blackbird is blasphemy dude!!!!!!!!!!). I need to have the full length, inferior mix of Helter Skelter. Also, I can't imagine what it would be like owning the mono version for years then buying the CD and saying "What in the tarnation of hell is this extra stuff on my Helter Skelter? Blisters on his fingers?" Why couldn't they have included all this on the mono version in 1968 because the mono version sounds so much better but it's missing the ending? Also, buying the stereo version will make it the fourth copy of the white album (The Beatles) I've bought in my life. am i tommy lee jones from men in black or what?

    Side note 2: I made sure to listen to I Will and Paul going doo doo doo to indicate the bass part is even more prominent after the start of the second verse. This alone almost makes the remasters worth it. Also, heh.

    Anyway, this remaster thing on the whole is pretty freaking awesome. I'm loving how everything sounds and it's about damn time The Beatles start listening to what I've been saying for years. I like to think I know a little something about music.

    EDIT: Mono box doesn't fit properly on my music shelves. beatles suk teh end

    Sunday, September 06, 2009

    I always mean to update this thing but don't anymore.

    That's a roundabout way of saying I'm still conceited enough to think complete strangers want to read the intimate details of my life; I'm not conceited enough to use Twitter though. If you one the kind of person hanging on by a thread waiting to live vicariously through my thoughts on breakfast cereal or whatever, who knows when I'll update again if ever. You should probably just come back every few months and maybe I will have updated hours of hilarious comments (y'all ever notice eating Golden Crisp makes yer pee smell like Golden Crisp? True story) or maybe I won't have written anything...because I'm dead and I can't update from beyond the graaaaaaaave. Either way, you may want to find someone else through which you can live vicariously because, well, I'm not especially interesting.

    Remember that part where I said I mean to update this thing but don't really do it? Here are some things that I had considered writing about but didn't. Or maybe I started to and never finished. I was going to. I swear but then I realized I had something extremely important such as counting the number of times I fart in a day (record is probably 100+ but that is a story for another day).

    That new g. i. joe movie came out. Couldn't bring myself to watch it. Don't get me wrong. I can still judge it harshly and do. It's not G. I. Joe to me and I knew it wouldn't be. Based on everything I've heard, I would have cried, written angry letters to everyone involved in its making, or just punched the first person I saw. Probably not the best idea to see it. Am I getting mature enough to realize I shouldn't waste my time with movies that I know are a waste of time? Maybe.

    Guys should not wear a red or maroon shirt with black suits. If you are one of the guys doing it, please stop. I know you saw someone wear it and it looked classy matched with a black tie. Oh god, it was not classy. It was the tackiest look that I've actually seen a person wear. If you want to look like a low level mobster, even then don't do it. In fact, don't even buy a red/maroon dress shirt. You can get so much more mileage out of almost any other color.

    Actually, scratch that. I would allow a maroon shirt if, and only if, you were upgrading from a black shirt/black suit combination. Oh my word what a terrible idea that is. I know that "everything goes with black" so "how can I lose?" seems to make sense. It so does not with suits. It makes the tie stick out too much unless you're wearing a black tie with the black shirt and suit and since Johnny Cash is dead, welp. So help me god if you wear a red tie with a black suit and shirt.

    I am offically offering to pee in the face of anyone that works for a mortgage company because mortgage companies are the worst for real. US Bank employees are always guaranteed a spot in the front of the line because fuck a US Bank. Related note: parents are usually not terrible.

    I Love You, Beth Cooper? More like I loathe you, Beth Cooper. I had an actually funny idea for this post format-wise that resulted in my legit "laughing out loud" as the kids say. I will never finish that post mostly due to not being remotely timely anymore.

    A dudemeister supreme got married a few weeks back and I never commented on it. Probably the most fun I had in a while. Also, the hottest I have ever been in my life (both physical appearance and wedding was held on surface of sun [citation needed] which is extremely warm).

    The Sega CD is awesome. Anyone claiming otherwise is dumb and probably never played one. This was going to be a really long post and I'm kind of lazy (AKA really lazy). Never got around to it (AKA too busy playing Sega CD, you sucker chumps).

    There was a bunch of other stuff I was going to write about and mayhap I will someday. So, for now, take with you the things you just read. They will help you make it through the hard times. Remember when there was only one set of footprints? That's when my thoughts on maroon shirts were carrying you.

    Friday, August 14, 2009

    I had too much to dream (two nights ago)

    Had a dream the other night that I legally changed my name to Greg Myers.

    Not sure what this means.

    Friday, June 26, 2009

    Death of (someone everyone believes to be a) child molester (but was never proven) seen as tragedy

    I'm not particularly concerned with the life of celebrities or the idea of celebrity. I take the death of a celebrity about as hard as I take the death of any complete stranger to me (ie - not at all). I can count on one hand the number of celebrity deaths that have bothered me: Kurt Cobain, Phil Hartman and George Harrison (I legit cried at the last one).

    I was also bothered that Anna Nicole Smith's death was being covered as honest to Crom news by television "news" stations for days. Her death didn't affect me but the idea that it garnered more attention than mere mention at the bottom of the screen (WHY IS THIS NEWS?).

    Anyway, Michael Jackson died. I feel like I should be kind of sad because Off The Wall and Thriller are both pretty great albums. I'm not sad. I must care a little bit though because I am writing this. The truth is I planned on writing something humourous about him dying but couldn't be bothered. Also, I realized that I can never beat the following two items covering Michael Jackson's death:

    Item 1: from Shaquille O'Neal's Twitter page (the picture Shaq linked makes this post)

    "This is the cavs new hot cheerleader,wow smokin. @THE_REAL_SHAQ http://twitpic.com/67l1u - new Cavaliers' Girl! Ain't she peerrty? Rip Mj"

    Item 2: from some picture I found online
    How do you top that? Honestly, how do you top that?

    Tuesday, June 02, 2009

    Movie questionnaire

    So, basically a blog I happen to follow, the writer of which happens to worship the ground upon which I walk, is part of some ring of blogs or some such nonsense. The writer of that blog decided to answer a bunch of movie questions after one of his friends did.

    Since I,

    1. have the best taste in movies
    2. have nothing better to do with my life
    3. am incredibly good looking
    4. did I mention my good looks?

    It seems only logical that I also answer these questions. On with the questions.

    What is the first film you ever saw?
    I have no idea but I think E. T. was the first I saw in a theater. My parents watched a butt load of James Bond movies when I was a kid so it's likely that I saw one of those first.

    What is your favorite film of all time?
    Seven Samurai or The Goonies

    Each one speaks to my soul in ways that nothing else does. Also, Seven Samurai has the subtitle Sheeyit (Clay Davis plays samurai).

    What is your favorite line in a film?
    I don't have one.

    Single lines don't do it for me I guess. Just assume I picked some monologue Crocker-Harris said in The Browning Version.

    What film made you realize that film was an art?
    Seven Samurai.

    My dad is maybe the least movie person I can imagine. I think he took a film course in college because he occasionally name drops Ingmar Bergman, Federico Fellini and Akira Kurosawa. His VHS collection--he has no movies on DVD--consists of movies I taped that I never bothered to take when I moved out, fishing instruction videos and commerical free, foreign movies he taped off Bravo when Bravo wasn't a non-stop marathon of rich bitches and their gay best friends.


    So, one day I had watched all my own movies too many times. I'd heard Seven Samurai was one of the greatest films of all time. Despite my dad agreeing, I decided to watch it anyway and it literally changed my life forever. I transformed from guy that watches more movies than you to guy that watches more movies than you but is really snobby about it. Thanks to Seven Samurai I am the kind of person that considers bad taste in movies a character flaw.

    What movie do you consider your guilty pleasure?
    I have no guilty pleasures in film. I embrace the movies I love completely without shame.

    BUT, I acknowledge that Mannequin should be a guilty pleasure only because people fail to recognize its genius. I don't freely mention Gilmore Girls but that's a television show.

    Who is your favorite movie character of all time?
    Atticus Finch.

    The film version of Atticus Finch represents what all people should be. He spends a year of his life defending a person in a case he will not win and he knows it from the beginning. Why? Because it is the right thing to do. His closing argument makes me weep thinking about it. Atticus is the perfect person.

    In the extreeeeeeeeeeeeemely unlikely event that I have a son, his middle name is likely to be Atticus. I'd make it his first name but I hate hate hate when people have first names that end with the same sound as the beginning of their last name. Where does one end and the other begin? Also, I don't want a bunch of dorks to make weird inferences based on his name.

    What is your favorite movie snack food?
    I don't have one.

    I have probably eaten popcorn at movies more than anything else; I guess that wins by default but popcorn is a vile weed that should be banned from theaters.

    Who is your favorite director of all time?
    Akira Kurosawa.

    Read that thing about Seven Samurai again. I own almost every existing Kurosawa movie on DVD.

    Who is the most impressive filmmaker working today?
    Assuming filmmaker means director, Terence Malick.

    If one actually counts Yuri Norstein as working today, he might be number one though I prefer Days Of Heaven and The New World over anything Norstein has done.

    What quality do the best directors share?
    They are not Roland Emmerich.

    Slightly more serious answer: not much of anything. My favorite directors are wildly different from each other in most ways. So, I'll say understanding good shot composition and be done with it.

    Who is your favorite actor/actress of all time?
    I honestly don't have one. I have no serious allegiance to any actor/actress.

    I did go out of my way to meet Bruce Campbell and read one of his books. Even though I don't really care for most of his body of work, I guess he wins by default. I'd still rather meet Mr. T though.

    Who is your favorite actor/actress working today?
    Ryan Gosling.

    I know I don't have a favorite actor but Half Nelson fucking floored me. Then I saw Lars And The Real Girl and I love it more every time I see it. Two years in a row, my favorite movies were my favorite movies because of one actor. Even when the movies he is in are dumb, I still like his performance. From this point on, I will probably see anything he is in until he starts Robert DeNiro-ing his career away in painfully unfunny comedies based on personality stereotypes.

    Who would you cast in a film about your life?
    I'd prefer there not be a film about my life but, if there must be one, I'd want it to be a documentary.

    Finish these sentences:

    If you could remake one movie...
    I am not a film maker and couldn't improve on even the worst movie.

    If I must choose I would say A Sound Of Thunder because literally everything is wrong with it. I don't know that I could make it worse if I tried.

    I never wanna watch a movie with...
    coprophagia.

    The perfect movie is...
    probably extremely entertaining.

    Wednesday, May 20, 2009

    A bird crapped on my car

    within two hours of getting it washed. I was mildly annoyed at first but then became pretty stoked re: the bird poop. It confirmed that these things actually happen and don't exist only in the realm bad sitcoms like dogs eating your homework.

    Thursday, May 14, 2009

    Just try and Stay Positive

    Someone I pseudo-know, but not truly know, through the interweb (AP uses Internet) wrote this:

    I'm just getting old, and starting to wish people would be more open and honest about things they liked and expressive about their joy, rather than hyperbolic and thorough about their disappointments.

    This is kind of how I've felt for a while now. Technically, my thoughts on expressing joy are unchanged since I am not particularly joyful. I am tired of being "hyperbolic and thorough" regarding disappointment which should explain my lack of blogging since this is mostly my forum for complaining about ice cream or breakfast cereal or whatever the fuck.

    In the spirit of staying positive on the interweb, here are some awesome things that have happened recently:

    1. At the onramp from Main Street, Anytown, USA (Greenwood, IN) onto 65 north, there are two lane closure signs. Until recently, they illogically indicated that the left lane ended. So, motorists were instructed to merge right before merging left 200 yards later onto 65. Not only were they illogical, they were wrong. Neither lane ends before the other; both end about the same time, narrowing equally.

    Recently, a construction crew has painted an arrow on the ground in the right lane indicating to merge left before ultimately merging left again onto the highway. They have also replaced the signs with signs indicating the right lane ends. Now people are instructed to merge left twice instead of merging right then left. It doesn't correct the issue of both lanes narrowing equally but I'm not wasting tax payer money on completely tearing up the onramp to make things better.

    It was a joyous day seeing the construction crew because I hoped they were doing something about the signs. The next day, I saw that they had. looks like obama is got the job done in his frist hundo days!!!!!!!

    2. Talked to two people named Sibley recently. One was a Julie Sibley that worked for IMAX. Likelihood of being related: unknown.

    The second one was some girl with the unlikely first name Sibley. Her parents are obviously on the ball. "The ball" meaning "drugz." Sibley is the best name (a doy) but I don't know if it is the best first name for a girl. Had the girl not been approximately 10, I would have proposed marriage on the spot despite my strict no marrying policy. The idea of someone named Sibley Sibley is too fantastical to pass.

    Note to self: remember girl; sell her sibley the best shirt.

    Note to self: remember girl; marry her.

    3. Pepsi is doing a limited time promotion of "Throwback" sodas which use real sugar instead of high fructose corn syrup. It tastes slightly different. Not better. Different. Since high fructose corn syrup is the devil to new age health nerds and causes dong cancer or something, this is probably great news for me. I'd prefer this to not be limited time. Everyone should buy some and tell Pepsi that this is what people want. Maybe Coke will follow and return to their "classic" formula we haven't had since New Coke became the running joke of the rest of time.

    4. Had to go to the county auditor this week (lame) which is at the county court house in Franklin, IN (also lame). When I arrived, I saw some poh-lice moving some prisoners actually wearing black and white striped uniforms. I was under the impression that most prison uniforms were bright orange scrubs and that black and white stripes were limited almost entirely to bad halloween costumes. I was excited to see this and tried to get a picture of it on my mobile telephone.

    5. Dylan's new album, Together Through Life, is not that great but it reminded me that there are a few Dylan albums I don't have which are typically really cheap at Best Buy. So, I bought Saved of all things. I'd been putting off getting it for a number of reasons 1) it is a Dylan from the 1980s that is not Oh Mercy 2) is from his Christian "trilogy" 3) it almost always gets the third worst reviews from both groups (his 1980s and Christian albums) 4) I wanted the original cover art instead of the whitewash album cover added later.

    Anyway, I listened to it and found it quite enjoyable. Yes, it's gospel rock of all things. It's not Dylan's finest album by any stretch but I haven't been this pleasently surprised by a Dylan album maybe ever. Quite energetic for Bob Dylan.

    6. Lost last night was pretty amazing. For the first time, the season ended with logical progression that made me anticipate the next season instead of crazy twist. This has easily been the best season of the series. Next season will probably blow my mind even though the story of Jacob will likely be nothing but a modern day biblical tale.

    That's about it as far as awesome things. I guess it was only mildly positive but what do you want from me? Note to self: to offset this spike in positivity, next blog will be a suicide note.